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This just served to heighten my anger. They are clearly looking for a handout and the fact they lied to me, saying my dad has cancer, is absolutely disgusting. I haven’t responded to the message. Part of me wants to respond to my mother, writing everything I feel in uncensored fashion. My husband says it’s best to just ignore the message – that answering it will only serve to hurt me farther. The logical part in me knows what he says is true, but the impulsive part wants to respond in scathing fashion.
I agree with your husband big time.
If they didn't celebrate your son's birth and his graduations and milestones - as well as your work and dedication - they have proven themselves unworthy of ANY respect.
Religion? Well, I think they are showing you the true face of that fundamental religion they claim they belong to. It obviously doesn't include reality.
I'd block her on Facebook.
On the other hand, if other implicated family members somewhere - who didn't purposely hurt or disown you - reached out to be contacts again, I'd consider that. That is a different thing.
The reverse of this also happens often. I had a childhood friend that went "bad". His family were all successful, learned and great people...but he wasn't. My wife just noticed that the father (old) died and the obit talked at length about the family and children....with almost no mention of the "bad" guy. As it should be.
You are a lucky person to have escaped from that hell. Break the cycle.
Here is another short story. I know a great guy who is a hard worker - married and has one child who he dearly loves. His father, tho, had some kind of a history of domestic abuse. I don't know the details...but when the Father came over to see his new grand daughter my friend didn't let him even come in the driveway.
It wasn't so much the idea of hate. It was an attempt to break a cycle which probably went on for generations...by loving his family and keeping them away from the old influences.
Easy for people to give advice...me included...when we have no dog in the race regarding someone else's family. Far harder for you to act on that advice, though, because the rules change with family...period end of story.
That's why these stories, when-true, are always so sticky.
My parents never pulled any fast ones. I didn't, either, as an adult. Related to money, anyway. My mom and dad passed in their own sweet time at least knowing that, and I have mostly good memories too. Lucky us.
My non-emotional reaction when someone calls to "ask for money" would be to write back as-follows:
"Hi, it's sure been a long time. We're fine, thank you for asking.
"Please put me in touch with your financial planner, family attorney, and/or accountant, with detailed insurance coverage information and expected gap after all other options are exhausted (savings, Medicare, insurance, etc.). My family and I will then decide if we can make a contribution to cover some of that gap. Assume that to be a one-time thing, if applicable, due to our own financial needs for the family.
"Forward this to those person(s), please, and on-reply I'll setup a conference call to review w/all within, say, several weeks of receipt. My family and I will take things from there, directly with your creditors. Thanks, and take care for now."
The above leaves very little wiggle for BS and room to dissemble. Keep it structured, work only with attorneys and accountants, bring someone along who is extremely financially literate, have a con call w/exhibits as the outcome. If the story has any legitimacy this is one way to help to the tune of (whatever you can afford), then you're done.
...But with family it's never really "done", now is it. Hmm. Save the yelling for some other time.
I was disowned by my parents when I was 17 after becoming pregnant with my husband (was my boyfriend back then). He was also 17 at the time. We always used protection but a night of drunken, teenage lust saw us discard common sense. My parents are very religious and my pregnancy was unable to co-exist with their faith. Plus my husband is a mix of Black/Hispanic, and that didn’t sit too well with them.
The early years of my son’s life were among the hardest I have endured. I and my husband had no idea about being parents. We were kids ourselves. From barely scraping enough money to pay the rent to being shocked with the transition from being fun-loving teens to being responsible for a little human being 24/7. Things got better as our son grew and we gained experienced and became wiser, but it was still a struggle. Not just because of raising a child but also strains in our relationship. But we got through it.
Our son is now 19 and in college. I couldn’t be prouder of the young man he’s turned into.
When he was 26, my husband started a business with his twin brother. It started slow and modestly in the first few years, but boomed soon after. Financially, we’re now in a very good position. My parents must have heard about it.
Recently, I received a Facebook message from my mother. She claimed to be sorry for disowning me, saying she made a terrible mistake and how she wishes she could take back all the time lost. Then she claimed my father had cancer and they needed money for treatment. This is after 20 years of no contact with me.
I thought I’d put everything behind me but the anger I felt when I read that message proves that I haven’t. I called a cousin back home and asked about the cancer. She said knows nothing about it. It hasn’t been mentioned in the family. She said if my dad had cancer, they would’ve all known.
This just served to heighten my anger. They are clearly looking for a handout and the fact they lied to me, saying my dad has cancer, is absolutely disgusting. I haven’t responded to the message. Part of me wants to respond to my mother, writing everything I feel in uncensored fashion. My husband says it’s best to just ignore the message – that answering it will only serve to hurt me farther. The logical part in me knows what he says is true, but the impulsive part wants to respond in scathing fashion.
If your mother is a sociopath, and it sounds like it, telling her off will only "feed" her. It will actually benefit her, in her own mind. My mother would love that kind of drama. She cannot stand to be ignored as if she is nothing which is how i handled it. So got many letters telling me my down syndrome aunt had cancer, the same one she blocked me from seeing. Just to torture me. We were very close but as she aged, I stepped in because my mom was denying her proper medical care. She needed a BPAP machine. She got it as I had to file a report after a while and other medical issues she was ignoring.
I wouldn't give your Mother any attention whatsoever.
No response is the best avenue imho per your husband. She may attempt to milk him or your son for some $$ too. Good thinking to call that Cousin!
The Sociopath next door book really helped me alot.
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Last edited by NinaLovesCliff; 06-16-2017 at 12:59 PM..
You only have/should help people who looked after you.
You May not want to hear it, but cutting you loose was a blessing in disguise. You and your husband and your kids were able to live a life free of extended family drama, all the bs , most new families have, being so young, where everyone wants to comment and put their nose where it does not belong.
If mom wants to reconnect, and you do too, give it a shot, but if they mistreat you and your clan, put them in check. See if they really learned, by treating your husband well, and apologizing to him as well. He deserves it too.
You have no obligation with $$$, none. If they have a problem with it, its their problem.
If you want, write them a letter of how hard life was, with their religious shame. And let them have it. Have them respond to your pain. Start from there. It can go both ways.
What about your brothers and sisters? Social security, insurance,welfare? Maybe this is moms way to reach out to you. I am sure she must feel guilty for how things turned out. For parents to cut their kids off, because of public shame. A dumb mistake like that will have me tossing in my sleep for years.
Copy the OP to the spirituality forum, compare the responses, ask yourself which appear the more sane.
Lots of people have unreconciled parental conflicts and can't grow up because they're too busy trying to get even instead of looking ahead. You can already sense the inner conflict in the OP's mind.
A child seeks out the opinion of the wise,
but the wise seek out the experienced.
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Save the yelling for some other time.
