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Been down this path on both sides. Been the recipient at 13.
Then I myself culterized a family member. Neither were beneficial.
Would take half a life time to grow up enough to view the entire scope from each person's mindset. What an eye opener empathy can be..For each person! So if you so wish to maintain this ostracized choice...Then bare in mind...You are simply repeating history .
After I came to grips with my part and came to a new understanding..It gave a new opportunity to reconnect. Without a doctor's diagnosis ,it's an unknown about anyone's health status. Start from there...
Was pleased to hear of your sons' college ambition. May he continue to be your proudest accomplishment. You raised him well.
People do change,once we change our stance..
Are you the same person you were 20 years ago? Did your parents get frozen ,and are now thawed out ? Bottom line is...Ppl change despite how we last remember them.
Sorry about your parents and their decision to disown you! Horrible!!!
I had wonderful parents so can't speak with experience, but be careful what you do and say, only for yourself. If your father really does not have cancer, then your mother's contact with you indicates she's no better than she was when you were kicked out. If he does (it's still possible from what you've written).... Well, it's still bad but not quite AS bad. (If you wanted to find out for sure, you could ask for his doctor's name.)
I'd recommend you see a counselor about the whole mess. Just talk and get some input from a professional.
Personally, I think forgiveness is a wonderful thing when you can manage it. I've come to this conclusion late in life, and you may too in the years ahead. I had a partner who I thought a lot of at one time -- almost like a big brother. At the end of our partnership he basically ruined me financially (didn't break me but cost me $millions), and I hated him for it. A few years later he died in a car accident, and I was happy to hear about it. Now, after 30 years have passed, I feel a little guilty. I know what he did to me, and I know I wasn't the only one he screwed, but I don't know why he was like that. Something made him that way. And something made your parents the way they were/are.
I'd bet that your mother really is sorry for disowning you. How could she not be, unless she's a real sicko, and if she is, then why is she that way? You might wonder that someday when it's too late to find the answers.
Whatever you do, I hope it's what's best for you and that you never regret the decision.
I think you should ignore the communication, and delete, etc., as everyone has said.
But you should ALSO find out what church "Dad" goes to, now, dust-off your old 'White Trash Holyroller' accent (I assume you've moved up in the world, and speak differently, now), and talk to THE PREACHER.
Use a 'burner phone', so it's not traceable to you, and just start cryin' and sobbin' and askin' THE PREACHER to git the whole congregation to pray for poor, cancer-stricken "Dad", because you "...know that a whole church full of people prayin' is what it'll take." And ask what's the best way to make a sizeable donation to the church - to get The Preacher's Greed Glands stimulated, and spur him to follow-up on your request. (not that you have ANY intention of giving a cent...).
After that, things ought to get really interesting, for Mom and "Dad"...
Oh my. I thought about posting something similar to this. Can't help but have the word Karma come to mind.
you don't owe her a response. You owe her nothing. She may have given you life, but she chose to withdraw her love and support for 20 years. Clearly she knows nothing of the unconditional love of a parent.
Please don't respond. Block her completely. And have no guilt doing it.
Sorry about your parents and their decision to disown you! Horrible!!!
I had wonderful parents so can't speak with experience, but be careful what you do and say, only for yourself. If your father really does not have cancer, then your mother's contact with you indicates she's no better than she was when you were kicked out. If he does (it's still possible from what you've written).... Well, it's still bad but not quite AS bad. (If you wanted to find out for sure, you could ask for his doctor's name.)
I'd recommend you see a counselor about the whole mess. Just talk and get some input from a professional.
Personally, I think forgiveness is a wonderful thing when you can manage it. I've come to this conclusion late in life, and you may too in the years ahead. I had a partner who I thought a lot of at one time -- almost like a big brother. At the end of our partnership he basically ruined me financially (didn't break me but cost me $millions), and I hated him for it. A few years later he died in a car accident, and I was happy to hear about it. Now, after 30 years have passed, I feel a little guilty. I know what he did to me, and I know I wasn't the only one he screwed, but I don't know why he was like that. Something made him that way. And something made your parents the way they were/are.
I'd bet that your mother really is sorry for disowning you. How could she not be, unless she's a real sicko, and if she is, then why is she that way? You might wonder that someday when it's too late to find the answers.
Whatever you do, I hope it's what's best for you and that you never regret the decision.
Yes, she's so, so sorry that it took financial need to motivate her to contact her disowned daughter.
Easy for people to give advice...me included...when we have no dog in the race regarding someone else's family. Far harder for you to act on that advice, though, because the rules change with family...period end of story.
That's why these stories, when-true, are always so sticky.
My parents never pulled any fast ones. I didn't, either, as an adult. Related to money, anyway. My mom and dad passed in their own sweet time at least knowing that, and I have mostly good memories too. Lucky us.
My non-emotional reaction when someone calls to "ask for money" would be to write back as-follows:
"Hi, it's sure been a long time. We're fine, thank you for asking.
"Please put me in touch with your financial planner, family attorney, and/or accountant, with detailed insurance coverage information and expected gap after all other options are exhausted (savings, Medicare, insurance, etc.). My family and I will then decide if we can make a contribution to cover some of that gap. Assume that to be a one-time thing, if applicable, due to our own financial needs for the family.
"Forward this to those person(s), please, and on-reply I'll setup a conference call to review w/all within, say, several weeks of receipt. My family and I will take things from there, directly with your creditors. Thanks, and take care for now."
The above leaves very little wiggle for BS and room to dissemble. Keep it structured, work only with attorneys and accountants, bring someone along who is extremely financially literate, have a con call w/exhibits as the outcome. If the story has any legitimacy this is one way to help to the tune of (whatever you can afford), then you're done.
...But with family it's never really "done", now is it. Hmm. Save the yelling for some other time.
Sorry but I think that's terrible advice. It opens the door, wide. Of course we can be done with family. We can divorce our parents in our minds and have no further contact with them. Many people do that and don't look back. Funny thing, those are often the most mentally healthy and mature.
I kind of like "I'm sorry, but I closed that chapter on my life for good. Any further contact from you will be considered harassment and I will seek legal action."
This just served to heighten my anger. They are clearly looking for a handout and the fact they lied to me, saying my dad has cancer, is absolutely disgusting. I haven’t responded to the message. Part of me wants to respond to my mother, writing everything I feel in uncensored fashion. My husband says it’s best to just ignore the message – that answering it will only serve to hurt me farther. The logical part in me knows what he says is true, but the impulsive part wants to respond in scathing fashion.
Sorry this upsetting event has entered your life. But my advice would be, to not allow it. I agree with your husband. Don't just ignore the message, delete and block any of them on Facebook.
Being just blood relatives isn't enough. To be a member of a family, you have to be treated like family. They decided not to do that for whatever twisted reasons, and now are attempting to abuse that tie by asking for money for a fictitious illness. Again, ignore, delete and block them.
I agree with Ruth - tell her exactly how you feel about them, read it a few times and then throw it away.
Living well is the best revenge and I am so happy for you, your husband and son that you made it. You have a lot to be proud of and I would not invite these hypocrites back into your life. Block her, change your Facebook settings to private and enjoy the rest of your life with your own little family. :-)
Edited to add - I also agree with Convex - send a brief note through FB Messenger or whatever letting her know you received her message and you are not interested in establishing any relationship. That way she will know you did receive her first message.
This isn't about revenge. This is about having a happy life and living in peace without the unwelcome intrusion from these people.
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Save the yelling for some other time.
