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I'm coming up on 60, and, since about age 5, have always definitely not wanted to be a father. No regrets.
Long story short, no desire for children, don't really enjoy them till they are about 10 to 12 provided they are advanced for their age, then teen age angst and hormones spoil them till about 20. As Willie put it: "The lows are always lower than the highs". In my family there are a few high-IQ high earners amongst my cousins, but no observable pattern, and there are more toothless crack heads than winners. I don't want to sire a toothless crackhead. The expense. The time. The "anchor effect". No thank you.
As to what mundanes, particularly bible-beating religious mundanes think, I could hardly care less.
I never wanted children, never had the desire to spend time raising a child.
Now I'm beyond the having children age, I never regret my decision. Taking care of a child, raising one, doing all the many arduous tasks involved, spending lots of time at it, being interested in things involving a child, being able to financially provide for a child, having an environment for a child never interested me.
I'm 49, single, male, socially acceptable, date with whatever regularity I can emotionally muster, good career, and do whatever the hell I want (outside of work):
Get a vasectomy, immediately. Smartest thing you'll ever do, I should throw a 20 year party for mine this year. As I watch buddies have "babies" with women who I wouldn't trust as far as I can throw a Steinway, this year in-particular. Each child is quarter mil to four hundred K to raise through c. age 18, at least around here in an upper middle class lifestyle. That is an unimaginable burden on my retirement plans, not sure about yours.
You sound like me at 35, in fact that was the year I turned some of my fastest lap times ever on my racebike (motorcycle), took a trip to Alaska, and bought a pickup on the installment plan. None of that would have happened with children and some hag wife hanging around, I watched a buddy try it and his shrew wife did everything possible to throw a blanket on our party when'd she'd show up to the track or at the party. They didn't last many years beyond that, saddling him with child support.
Don't be that guy, that screw up with thousand(s) per month in child support payments. Good pal of mine paid $2,800/month for thirteen years in child support, just concluded. $436K or so, not counting opportunity cost which puts it over a million dollars wasted on absolute, complete BS by kids who loathe and despise him, per reports. He's 53 and will probably need to work until he's dead from exhaustion, though at least he's smart enough to make big money as a software dev.
The above was not your question, but rather counsel. I'm 49 and hang around with whoever I want, whenever I want to. Women come and go, there's always another one out there who think's she's smarter than me...and fails to hook and hold me for marriage. Holidays and such can be rough, gotta say, but I stay close to the married couples and their parties at that time and often as not find a "girlfriend for the holidays."
Or keep wearing protection, and hope it keeps working. I can't and wouldn't live with that Sword of Damocles over my head, but others....
Good luck with all that. Oh, at last: I really don't care what anyone thinks about that, or any other, decision I've made in my personal life. Why do you care if they think you're "selfish?"
My puberty took forever, I needed my 30s to find myself and for the past two years I finally had some thoughts about having children. I look at parents of teenagers and think it would be nice to have some.
I am 40 now, unmarried and doesn't look like it is happening. I am fine either way. My purpose in life isn't to reproduce. I lived a full life with lots of partying and crazy stuff, wouldn't wanna miss it and bringing a child into this would have been irresponsible.
And yes, I agree, nobody gives a crap about anyones bloodline.
Mick Jagger became a father again, recently, at 73. His grandchildren are older than his daughter
Well done Mick Jagger. Its very good to make sure your blood line flourish even after you have gone, and giving birth for Men has no age limit, If my grand child is even taking my son or daughter to school it make a great family cooperation.
I know there's people who are sure they don't want kids. But is there anybody who is older and still hasn't decided yet.
Ok, I'm a good amount older than 35 actually. But I am a guy.
So, what do you do if you're still not sure?
I guess you could say I live the life of a much younger person. I still like going to the bar and drinking beers, watching movies I've watched before, and I have a variety of hobbies and interests that are still pretty strong. I love my goofing off time.
My social network is thin, but dating/relationship has provided me with entertainment and adventures recently.
There's just never been a strong urge for me to have kids. I mean, I think I could be a good father. But I also think it would 'get in the way' of me enjoying life if that makes sense. Plus, I really don't like my career that much, so the idea of working my arse off and coming home and having no time to unwind is a bit scary.
People have told me I'm selfish for these reasons. I think that's rubbish. But I digress.
What do you do if you're still not sure at this age? Let's just say I should probably decide soon. Or at least strongly lean one way.
Any others in this boat or have been? Any experiences, and ideas?
You're not selfish, but you sure are dithering.
To be clear, most men are ambivalent about being fathers. I sure wasn't all about it. But at 54, I wouldn't trade mine for the world.
However, there is such a thing as starting too late in life. My brother is Exhibit A. When he was young, he lived the classic unfettered life. As a screenwriter in LA, one that actually earned his living that way as opposed to parking cars or tending bar, he was always going and doing interesting things. Playing golf at St. Andrews. Speaking on a two-week cruise. Going on location. Meanwhile, my wife and I were going about the business of raising kids.
About twelve years ago, we have our monthly call. He's cruising down the freeway with the top down on his Audi, heading to Palm Springs.
"So what are you doing this weekend?"
"We're going car shopping."
"Oh, cool. What are you going to get?"
"A minivan."
There was a long pause.
"Well, that's cool."
"Thanks for saying that, but there's nothing cool about buying a minivan."
Fast forward almost a decade. At the age of 52, he and his wife adopt a newborn. Fast forward to last Thanksgiving. He and his wife and his amazing four year old come to our house for dinner. It's the typical chaos, with his son running amok through the house. We don't even think about it because, hey, we had our three kids.
Finally, my brother looks at me and says, "How did you do this with three kids? I'm just tired all the time."
The moral of the story? Don't wait too late. Because my brother is going to have an 18-year-old when he is seventy freaking years old. I would just absolutely shoot myself.
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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I may have missed this, but are you married?
My brother is in his early 40s and doesn't have kids and doesn't plan to have them. I don't think he really cared either way, but his wife (they've been married for over 10 years) was very upfront about never wanting to have kids. That was pretty much how he decided. He loves her more than any other hypothetical kid.
I have a friend who is 35. He just married. He's leaving it up to his wife. He says that he's okay either way. She, on the other hand, has lots of conversations with me about it. Again, he's more in love with his wife than hypothetical children.
I'm unsure and I'm going to be 30 this year. It's a little different for me because i'm a woman. consider yourself lucky that you have a lot of time to decide. This is something that causes me stress pretty much on a daily basis so i can understand the difficulty of being unsure, but like i said, it's a lot harder as a woman.
Either way, it sounds like you are very content with your life. If you wanted to have kids maybe you would feel like you are missing out on something and you would have had them already. sounds like you are pretty fulfilled which is awesome!
30??!! Lol. Where I live females don't even start having kids until this decade.
Relax. You have like 10- 15 years left to decide.
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Or at least strongly lean one way.
Re
so i can understand the difficulty of being unsure, but like i said, it's a lot harder as a woman.
