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Not everyone has been polite. I've listened. I was given advice on both sides of the argument, not just yours.
He rarely came down with one kid or before kids.
There's only one person who can answer your questions and it's not the posters on this forum.
We are just trying to tell you that once you have tiny kids, moving around even by yourself can be a giant hassle and giant chore. Then throw money into the mix...tough.
Not everyone has been polite. I've listened. I was given advice on both sides of the argument, not just yours.
He rarely came down with one kid or before kids.
Then why are you expecting it now? He's already shown you what he is willing and able to do. A wife, kids, and 3x the distance makes it a lot harder. I know what advice you've received. I've read it all, and all of your defensive responses. You asked a question. People answered. Now you are arguing. We can't make your brother visit you.
Then why are you expecting it now? He's already shown you what he is willing and able to do. A wife, kids, and 3x the distance makes it a lot harder. I know what advice you've received. I've read it all, and all of your defensive responses. You asked a question. People answered. Now you are arguing. We can't make your brother visit you.
My original post was to see if it was normal, not me saying I was expecting him to visit based on his history. My "defensive responses" are opinion on your part. I see them as corrective responses. And I guess it's okay for you to "argue" and not me??
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 10 days ago)
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Reputation: 50671
Berteau, it was kind of hard to drag this out of you, but here's the dynamic. For some reason, your brother and his wife are connected to her family and not connected to yours. They had a short notice destination wedding, and none of your family made it a priority to scramble and make it there but hers was able to attend. They see her family regularly, but not yours.
It may be wholly or in part because you see your brother's wife and kids as impediments to your relationship with your brother.
You mention your friends making time for you without their wives and kids, and yes, that's what friends do.
That's not what family does. Family gets together with family. Adult married siblings see their family WITH their families, not alone. Unless it's a rare thing, or a very dysfunctional family where the adults imagine they're still kids again.
My original post was to see if it was normal, not me saying I was expecting him to visit based on his history. My "defensive responses" are opinion on your part. I see them as corrective responses. And I guess it's okay for you to "argue" and not me??
Where did I argue? I answered your question to the best of my ability, based on the info you gave, and my own experiences. You are the one arguing with everyone who said it's hard to travel when you have small kids.
Everything quoted below is defensive and rude.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau
I understand, but is an overnight stay and trip asking too much? Is a 4 hour time period too much? Like I said, I have friends with kids and we still at least hang out outside of their home while the wife watches with the kids for a short time. We will meet up or they will visit my area without the family.
And like I said, when I have kids his would mean we would never see each other.
If he lives 3 hours away, that's 6 hours of just driving. Where are you getting 4 hours?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau
I do and did go see him as I said in my post! That doesn't change my question.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau
So for the third time, what happens after both siblings have kids and marriage and live 3 hours apart?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau
Well the problem is that when we were an hour apart he still only came down 2 or 3 times in about 3 years. One time he was already in the city for work so it doesn't really count. Again, I'm just talking a day trip.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau
I seems like many of you are being biased and taking a side and making assumptions against me. I probably visited him once every 6-8 weeks on average. So quite a few.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau
Really? So this is how it normally is? You basically lose your relationship outside occasional phone and text? Like I said. I have friends with kids and we do things all the time without the wife and kids involved. How can they make it work and not my brother and wife? I'm thinking some of the female posters on here are like my SIL, a little controlling and don't want their men doing things without them, so they are obviously being unreasonable and taking sides.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau
How many off topic things can we really discuss? It's hard enough keeping this thread on track as it is. I see my nephews when I visit them. And my brother does not need to brining the kids and wife to visit me. Have you been reading this thread at all?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau
You do realize the poster was referencing my brother making "some effort" right?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau
Okay. You are clearly blindly defending his wife/them. they live in the same city as her family! I think they've visited them at least 300 times by now. I don't think they have to visit her family who lives 15 minutes away the exact day we have a family reunion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau
"I should be HAPPY if they include me in.....". I don't know what kind of family you come from, but things like this are standard to being welcome to, not something "I should be happy" about or feel they are doing me a favor. In fact, they invite me to all these things and are disappointed if I can't make it. And ACCEPT my visits. They ask me to visit. I don't ask and they accept. Especially since I'm 3 hours away now.
None of us knows why your brother doesn't visit. Not everyone is close to their siblings. You yourself said that you might not even miss them if they died, and they just "fill your time." If that's that case, why are you making a big deal out of this, and trying to force the issue? Every family is different. There is no standard and no single answer.
You mention your friends making time for you without their wives and kids, and yes, that's what friends do.
That's not what family does. Family gets together with family. Adult married siblings see their family WITH their families, not alone. Unless it's a rare thing, or a very dysfunctional family where the adults imagine they're still kids again.
Berteau, it was kind of hard to drag this out of you, but here's the dynamic. For some reason, your brother and his wife are connected to her family and not connected to yours. They had a short notice destination wedding, and none of your family made it a priority to scramble and make it there but hers was able to attend. They see her family regularly, but not yours.
It may be wholly or in part because you see your brother's wife and kids as impediments to your relationship with your brother.
You mention your friends making time for you without their wives and kids, and yes, that's what friends do.
That's not what family does. Family gets together with family. Adult married siblings see their family WITH their families, not alone. Unless it's a rare thing, or a very dysfunctional family where the adults imagine they're still kids again.
And that could very well be the wife's doing. Perhaps the groom's family didn't make it to the destination wedding and hers did was because her side had plenty of advance notice. Kind of odd that her family could make it, and you can't exactly book most places for weddings at destination location with short notice. She could be one of these women who want nothing to do with the husband's family without a valid reason, and "family" is her family.
There are siblings who are also friends.
Maybe the OP is expecting too much, but her family is 15 minutes away. Why can't her mother come for a weekend while the husband goes visit the OP? People keep saying how hard it is to travel with toddlers and it would be, but the brother could go on his own. The wife can have someone help her. It's for one weekend, 3 hours away by car isn't the other side of the country.
Where did I argue? I answered your question to the best of my ability, based on the info you gave, and my own experiences. You are the one arguing with everyone who said it's hard to travel when you have small kids.
Everything quoted below is defensive and rude.
If he lives 3 hours away, that's 6 hours of just driving. Where are you getting 4 hours?
None of us knows why your brother doesn't visit. Not everyone is close to their siblings. You yourself said that you might not even miss them if they died, and they just "fill your time." If that's that case, why are you making a big deal out of this, and trying to force the issue? Every family is different. There is no standard and no single answer.
was getting 4 hours from when I lived 1 hour away and it would only take 4 hours to do something.
Is it normal? NO! My husband was close to his brother before we were married and still is (been married now years). We have kids, but his brother does not. Yet his brother came over to see his brother and his nieces at least once a month when we lived over an hour away. Now that we are minutes away we see him and my SIL more. They are expecting a baby in January and I still don't see anything changing.
OP, I would have a conversation about this with your brother. Life gets busy and it's hard to get together, but tell him you miss him and want to see him! Offer several dates that work for you and see what he says!
Are you this defensive, demanding and needy when you visit him? That could explain quite a lot.
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