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Omg, I got the 23&me test during Amazon prime day and it's the worst $99 I ever spent. I found out that my dad isn't my dad and I'm reeling.
Quick background
1- my "dad" is on my birth certificate and always knew he had a daughter in Indiana. He and my mom had a short fling when she was on vacation in MD while he was in the military.
2- we didn't meet until I was an adult, my mom never mentioned him, got married to a middle eastern psycho, tried to gaslight me into believing he was my dad (until they got divorced)
3- once I found my dad, it's been pretty great. I did question my mom again to be sure bc he's done a lot of stuff for me from day 1 and I didn't want him to if he wasn't my dad. She mentioned the guy who I now know is my father but insisted it was impossible by the dates. I didn't tell my dad about the guy but did suggest a DNA test but he declined saying I look like his sister and act like his mother. I never thought about it again bc all my relatives saw resemblances and quickly accepted me and had basically been waiting decades for me to appear.
So wtf do I do? The real father is dead since 1989, his obituary doesn't mention children, my grandparents on that side are also dead. I checked the fb profiles of the relatives that 23&me pinged & tbh, they are a pretty much not my speed. They are super religious, country, into guns/hunting, rednecky, Trump lovers so I don't think I'd get anything out of knowing them. No offense to the people who fit the description above but I fit in with my "dad" more.
I just don't know what to do regarding my "dad". He would be devastated by this and tbh, I don't think I could handle him rejecting me. I've been through so much **** this past year with my gma dying and my mom and brother stealing my house and my dad is literally the only good thing I have, family wise. Otoh, he does a lot for me and I'm going to feel terrible about it and I feel guilty for being all "why did you abandon me?" crap I gave him in the beginning and now I find out he's not even my dad.
I know my gma would tell me to keep my mouth shut and be happy that he wants me to be his daughter. Logically, I agree bc we both need each other but I've only known for a day and I'm about to have a heart attack, I don't know how I can keep quiet for 25 years. Does it get easier once you make a decision to keep the secret? There's people who carry secrets to the grave so there must be a way to put it in the back of your mind.
There are sperm donors & there are Dads, sounds like you have a good Dad, he loves you & you love him, a relationship is much more than just blood, so keep on loving him. Why do you look like his family, if you are not related? Hugs.
Don't keep this secret from this man who welcomed you into his family. It doesn't mean that you can't still have a (adopted) family relationship, but that will be up to him.
There are sperm donors & there are Dads, sounds like you have a good Dad, he loves you & you love him, a relationship is much more than just blood, so keep on loving him. Why do you look like his family, if you are not related? Hugs.
I know. I look more like them then the other people. But the fact that a dozen people with the same last name as the guy my mom mentioned and that my DNA shows I'm 95% lily white European and he's Puerto Rican means that the other guy is 100% my bio dad. My "dad" and his siblings are very fair skinned Puerto Rican and you would never guess that they are Puerto Rican so I guess that's why I didn't question it.
I'm confused of the timeline--if you didn't meet until you were an adult, wouldn't he know that he's not your biological father?
No, if you read my OP, he had a fling with my mom, he's from NY, she's from Indiana and they were in touch and he knew she was pregnant and he was the "father". He paid support for the first 2 years, then my mom took up with my brothers' psycho dad and told my "dad" to go away so she could move on since the distance meant that he'd not be in my life and she had a new man.
He always believed that I was his daughter even though he wasn't in my life.
Don't keep this secret from this man who welcomed you into his family. It doesn't mean that you can't still have a (adopted) family relationship, but that will be up to him.
I don't know what benefit that would have for either of us. We are both victims of my heinous mother and right now, I feel like it would cause a lot of pain. I'm his only kid and he's all I have, too.
I do feel like telling him but it's more complicated than that. Telling him means that he doesn't have a kid, I don't have a dad. There's no real upside that I'm seeing except for this idea of morality but I'm questioning whether it applies here. I know him and he's so sensitive and he'd be devastated.
I don't know. Maybe I'll feel different tomorrow.
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