Bad Terms with Mom..Should I just let it go? (brother, mother)

[Spuggy]

Originally Posted by Lieneke

It's rare that someone raised in a verbally and physically abusive home is not verbally and physically abusive in adult live.

I haven't seen any statistics to support that Got any data to support your opinion and do you have stats that show differences between male vs female victims of abuse.
are you suggesting the op is verbally and physically abusive?

"Studies also now indicate that about one-third of people who are abused in childhood will become abusers themselves. This is a lower percentage than many experts had expected" and "One of the crucial differences between those abused children who go on to become abusers and those who do not, he said, is whether they have the insight that their parents were wrong to abuse them" Dr. Hunt article by DANIEL GOLEMAN
and this
"contrary to conventional wisdom, adults who were physically abused as children were no more likely to abuse their own children than were other adults their age."
https://www.nichd.nih.gov/news/relea...ild-abuse.aspx

I'd say the op is one step ahead .

[charolastra00]

Originally Posted by Lieneke

Did mom pay for any part of your education, did you ever live at home as a student, did she do anything to support your current life, or did you leave home immediately after high school and do everything on your own such that you are now struggling under insurmountable loan debt?

I'm trying to figure out whether you are an ungrateful child, whether your mom put so much of her life into you that her own social life suffered, or whether your mom is completely anti-social and you truly succeeded in spite of a childhood of abuse.

Did you miss the initial post and all the subsequent posts about physical abuse?

This kind of response from others is what kept me in contact with my severely emotionally abusive parents for years. They said I was ungrateful, others said I was ungrateful or otherwise wrong because "they're your PARENTS", so I must be ungrateful to speak out against the abuse, right?

Spoiler alert: plenty of us managed to do it all on our own, even without "unsurmountable loan debt." I finish my master's degree next month with absolutely zero student loan debt, despite both an undergrad and graduate degree from private schools and developing stage IV cancer that disqualified me from the career I had initially trained for plus all of the related and ongoing medical bills. My parents' only contribution past 18 was flying me home once a year in college and kicking in an occasional $20 - about $1000 all said and done, even when I was going through chemo right out of college and that's what the cost of a week's worth of meds after insurance was. No need for the false dichotomy - most of us figure it out.

[xPlorer48]

Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat

You're actually advocating that the OP continue to try to establish a connection to the physically-abusive mother who is currently playing a cruel game with her by not returning phone calls. Got it.

OP, ignore this person. Anyone who thinks that a CHILD plays an equal role and shares equal responsibility her abuse by a parent isn't thinking clearly. It is never OK to abuse a child, no matter what that child does.

Amen! While my mother never abused me (threw a glass of water at me and hairbrush across the face) but she did not stop the physical abuse that my stepfather meted out to me alone (never to 2 half-sibs and 2 step-sibs). My mom said I deserved it because I was “mouthy”. I wasn’t that way when I was little but grew to despise him and then I had words for him because I tried to defend myself.

I am sorry about the OPs mom. She sounds very manipulative and condescending. It is best to be cordial if you maintain contact but if she won’t return your calls, the ball is in her court.

[LookinForMayberry]

Originally Posted by thedelight21

I've had a love/hate relationship with my mom for my life so far. ... I feel at peace not to hear all the negativity, honestly. Should I just move on or try to make amends?

You are not alone. It sounds like she has problems, but they are not you. For what do you have to make amends? If there is something, apologize -- and THEN move on, but regardless, move on.

Ask yourself this heart-breaking question: If she died, would you be relieved? I don't mean to be harsh -- and God NO I am not suggesting anything bad should happen to her, but if she's in reasonably good physical condition, she could live a long time. How long do you want to be feeling this way?

If you need to assuage your guilt for vacating her life, send her a really nice gift every year for her birthday telling her how grateful you are to her for giving you life, and loving you enough to let you go live it. Do the same at Christmas, unless she was born in December, then do it on Mother's Day.

You don't get to pick your family, but you don't have to let them take you down, either. Don't be unkind to her, but don't let her be unkind to you either.

[KaraZetterberg153]

Lots of good advice here, and you are definitely not alone. Some people have kind, loving and supportive mothers, and others of us don't. Mine was narcissistic, cruel, a religious bigot, a racist and constantly put me down. It was always about her, and what the neighbors thought. I guess it could have been worse; it is for a lot of children.

Congrats on the education. I did the same thing (master's degree), own a business and have four books published. Pretty happy generally. I basically left home at 17 (moved into a dorm) and ignored her, though I kept in touch via phone and letters for my father's sake. When she was dying she refused to acknowledge my existence. And she made sure to turn my brother against me with all her religious nonsense.

I am heartened to read through the thread and see how others folks had, unfortunately, the same issue. Sometimes you do have to let go.

[runswithscissors]

In your thirties, you'll usually be able to let go of that and realize she's just another person on the planet.

It's your choice if you just keep some basic superficial contact with her but that's not my style.

And what do you mean "amends"?? Was that just a poor choice of words (guilty words?).

Make sure YOUR head is on straight and you don't spend all your adult life making choices based on not realizing the psychology of trying to "fix" your childhood.

Like women who keep choosing bad (wrong) men because their fathers were bad.

Or women who spend their entire adult lives arguing with their mothers. A completely pointless exercise but they can't see they're the ones who can most easily just STOP.

[bande1102]

OP: I suggest reading Mother's Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide For Daughters. This book was very helpful to me.

I cut off contact with my mother 15 years ago. Best thing I ever did in my entire life. She should be in jail for the things she did to me/allowed me to suffer at the hands of others.

My mother still lives; but when my father died (he was also abusive and we had not had contact since I escaped his abuse when I was 18), I mourned the father I WISH I had, but not the man in the casket. I felt relief. I suspect that's how I'll feel when my mother passes.

I think it's very important to be very careful with whom you share your story. You know the truth. Don't allow others to lay guilt trips on you (she's your MOTHER). Most people will not understand, even, I'd argue therapists. This point is made in the above referenced book.

[ukiyo-e]

I will never understand mothers like that. Mine was no picnic for a variety of reasons, and I hate to admit it, but when she died when I was 24 from alcoholism, smoking, lack of exercise, and frankly, just a very negative outlook on life and everyone in it, I was relieved to be rid of her constant criticism. I was always an excellent student but if I got a 99 on a test, she wanted to know why I didn't get 100. One of the greatest unexpected gifts I ever received was reading my son's master's thesis and seeing him thank me for all my support over the years in the acknowledgments. What else are moms supposed to do? Unless my child was a lazy bum or a criminal, I could never try to make him feel bad about himself. I would suggest distancing yourself, letting her stew in her silent treatment, and being polite, but emotionally detached, if and when she contacts you again.

[KaraZetterberg153]

Originally Posted by bande1102

OP: I suggest reading Mother's Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide For Daughters. This book was very helpful to me.

I cut off contact with my mother 15 years ago. Best thing I ever did in my entire life. She should be in jail for the things she did to me/allowed me to suffer at the hands of others.

My mother still lives; but when my father died (he was also abusive and we had not had contact since I escaped his abuse when I was 18), I mourned the father I WISH I had, but not the man in the casket. I felt relief. I suspect that's how I'll feel when my mother passes.

I think it's very important to be very careful with whom you share your story. You know the truth. Don't allow others to lay guilt trips on you (she's your MOTHER). Most people will not understand, even, I'd argue therapists. This point is made in the above referenced book.

Thanks for mentioning this book. Got it on Kindle. Very helpful!!

[bande1102]

Originally Posted by KaraZetterberg153

Thanks for mentioning this book. Got it on Kindle. Very helpful!!

Glad you find it helpful. It really helped me, too.