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When my last child left for college, I had a really hard time adjusting to the empty nest. I had spent 20 some years getting my kids ready for adult hood. I cried off and on for about thee months.......then........DH and I discovered the freedom of not having to worry about the kids schedule, laundry, cooking and all that raising kids entails and it was like when we first got married and didn't have kids. I guess you could say we reconnected. OP's parents might enjoy that if it ever happens.
Maybe if the parents had done what my parents did for me.
We had options when we turned 18.
1. Option one was to continue going to school and we could stay all we want. After graduating from high school I took a few classes but mostly wanted to work.
2. Option 2 was if we were not in school we would work and pay rent. Back in the early 80's we paid $100 a month in rent. Since I worked after High School I paid the rent.
3. Option 3 was since we were members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we could serve a mission for the church and our parents would take care of that. I chose that option when I was 20.
That is it for us.
My oldest brother joined the Army when he was 18 and has been on his own ever since. He is 54 now, has been playing the Gitt fiddle for over 40 years now, writes music, has a couple albums out, plays music in places all over the nation.
I worked a number of jobs. Left when I was 19 for the Oil Fields of Taft California for a year. Moved back and went on a mission for my church for two years. When I came back I lived at home for a couple years then got married. Always paid rent.
My younger brother started his own business and moved out when he was 20. He is 50 now and has a multi million dollar business.
After that three sisters that worked and then got married. All are living the dream. The youngest two are now in there early 30's and doing well. My youngest sister and her husband have done very well for themselves.
My wife and I have done the same for our kids. My 26 year old son left for school out of high school and when he was on break he would work somewhere in the world. He is doing the adult thing now. Two other sons are going to school working on their degrees. One still lives with us the other went away to school and only visits from time to time.
The other three kids are still in school.
Oh and the deal we gave our kids:
1. Stay in school and no rent.
2. Don't go to school and $500 a month rent.
3. Go on a mission for the church and we will pay for it.
It might make the most economical sense for all involved. If it works for them, why is it weird?
The only thing concerning is the sister without an education or employment. Is she in need of medical care for depression? I would encourage her to get into an adult education program to obtain a GED and then a job.
Well it's certainly not a conventional life style, but I've seen it many times in the hospital. The adult children of a terminally ill mother try desperately to have their mother live when we already know what the outcome is going to be. They can't manage life without mommy. Somehow they became emotionally crippled. I have another friend with two worthless adult daughters that he raised, and one finally got a job. The other one in her 20's never worked a day in her life. How does this happen? My mother did it to my brother and he was living off of her until she died.
It's a wonderful thing to have a close loving family, it really is. The flip side is that treating adults as children makes them weak and needy.
lol yeah, I'm baffled by some of the reactions here.
Living in multigenerational homes was always the norm everywhere in the world for thousand years, except in the US due to capitalistic society which encourage individualistic or nuclear households; and now we even give psychiatric labels over it.
I don't live with my parents (father dead anyway) but when I did, there was not much of a difference in my everyday life.
The issue isn't entirely that the family is living together, the problem is that there are grown adults living in the home who are not "adulting". Lying around all day and neither working nor contributing to the household is not being a functional member of society or the home. That's is what is dysfunctional and codependent.
It might make the most economical sense for all involved. If it works for them, why is it weird?
The only thing concerning is the sister without an education or employment. Is she in need of medical care for depression? I would encourage her to get into an adult education program to obtain a GED and then a job.
You don't find anything weird about the couple raising a child together but living separately, each with their own parents? I could see them living with one set of parents or the other...but separately?
OP said this couple could afford to live together as a family of 3, but they prefer to each stay home with their parents.
I pity the parents of all children who refuse to leave the nest. Even a baby bird has to test its wings -- fly or die.
If the children are EQUALLY SHARING all expenses then it becomes more of a roommate agreement with the parents. That's more acceptable to me than letting the kids live off mom and dad for several years. If the kids expect mommy and daddy to keep the nest clean and comfortable for them I'd kick them out at 20 years and tell them to "Start flapping!".
I still can't wrap my head around the adult couple who are in a relationship and are raising a child together, but each still lives with their respective parents.<bleep> Is this a religious cult of some kind?
I agree.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
You don't find anything weird about the couple raising a child together but living separately, each with their own parents? I could see them living with one set of parents or the other...but separately?
OP said this couple could afford to live together as a family of 3, but they prefer to each stay home with their parents.
yes its strange
your lazy 33 year old sister who is unemployed has a boyfriend? who is he? i bet he is also a lazy bum.
run far away because it seems like you will be the one supporting everyone
your parents failed as parents. their job is too make sure their kids are independent and self sufficient. this is not the case.
they should kick all the kids out who don't work and don't contribute anything to the family.
Just curious... but why?? what if everyone is happy with the arrangement? this kind of thinking makes no sense to me.
Probably because i've never heard of a good reason to break up a loving family who enjoys each other enough to want to be together.
They won't be together forever, no doubt most people date then get married. Usually move out and start their own family not that they need to move out to do that. Especially if the house is large enough.
We had friends in high school, my boyfriends best friend. He married at 19 and moved his 18 year old wife in. About 6 years later, they began having a family. His Mother and Grandmother lived there, his father passed away in high school. When I drive by the house, I see their toys- 4wd trucks and stuff. Same Modular home but built on rooms. A vege garden. He went to College for a year but overall, has a great job at the Water Agency where he moved up. So it's not about $$. His wife was very very happy living there as was he. No one wanted them to move out, that's for sure. I'd never seen anything like it before.
Now their kids are in their mid twenties but I have no clue what the living arrangement is or anything about their kids
If they're all happy with the arrangement then they aren't going to want to change that then they're not going to change that. It's kind of whatever they want to do. It's not like I'm stopping them.
To me it seems by living at home a lot of adults would get kind of blindsided for when they do end up in the real world for some reason. At home I guess there is that safety net of if you lose your job, it isn't the end of the world because you still have a place to stay and will probably be able to have any rent payment forgiven until you get a new job (of course it wouldn't work this way if you were on your own). Rent may be less expensive if not existent at all and that makes life easier, especially with marriage and kids. I can imagine if the adult children don't have any actual goals set for themselves to working towards living outside of the house independently that they rely on this safety net too long and may have a distorted idea of what life is like when they are thrown out into the world and have to get their own place, pay all of their own bills, and may feel that they are struggling to keep their job, and realizing that most of their paycheck probably goes to bills instead of what they would like. If they don't have goals for their future, I would think this may make some people feel depressed, or wonder, "Where am I going in life? What am I doing with my life?" This could largely depend on the parenting model at home as well as what is expected from adult family members - are they charging rent? Do the adult children earn their keep through cooking, cleaning, and helping out? Are the adult children sitting around and mooching/being lazy rather than applying for jobs? Are they going to school or working a job? This can become a financial burden on some parents to have children living at home if they aren't paying some sort of rent, there will probably be higher utility costs, larger grocery bills, etc.
I would think that many adults, especially after marriage and even more so if they have children have a lot of their own goals like owning their own home and having their own space. Living on your own comes with a lot of tough decisions that some may not ever have to worry about while living at home, but I know I'm learning from mistakes with each passing year and how to improve for the future. I only wonder how adults that live with their parents are constantly learning from mistakes to improve for their futures.
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