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Have to re-post, as I just read that little tidbit about you spending (and borrowing????!!!! from your sister) $1000 on an iPhone for your child that you cannot afford.
Now I question your judgment even more.
And demanding that your sister come to visit her abuser, who potentially now feels remorseful.... and calling your sister selfish.... well.
The thing is, why should I be the only one putting so much effort into helping our father when she's perfectly capable of flying over and helping out, even if it's just for a couple of days? Why does she just get off the hook for not helping while I emotionally exhaust myself on a daily basis trying to assist as much as I can? Her attitude is what bothers me the most, especially the way she handles what I tell her on the phone. It's just unacceptable.
Actually, I think your attitude is bothersome too. Your sister is under no obligation to donate her money and time to a geographically distant parent she has no affinity for. You being a martyr and "emotionally exhausting" yourself is not one half of a "fairness equation." You have made your choice and she has made hers. Now leave her alone. And stop blaming her for your already dysfunctional marriage.
I for one can't imagine why you are enabling your father to live alone when he is already lonely and suicidal. Why not try and get him into a more social senior living situation?
A need on your part does not create an obligation on her part. You just have to forget what you think you need from her. Whatever you would do if she didn't exist is what you have to do.
I think that you should get some counseling, for yourself and your wife.
You don't say his age, or if his depression has been resent onset or life long struggle. These become important when looking for resources to help your dad.
We can't really afford counseling right now, and also my wife doesn't believe in counseling so I highly doubt she'd be willing to go.
He's 77, and it's been a resent offset. He only developed it about 8 years ago and it's been gradually getting worse ever since.
Thanks for your input.
-Ken
Call 211 for free counseling. Go w/o your wife if she won't go. Your sister literally cannot support you emotionally. In order to do so, she'd need to see the situation the same way you do and she doesn't, but then you will say she SHOULD, but she doesn't.
You do a lot of living in the land of what you think should be, rather than in the land of what is. Everything about this situation will get better for you when you get into the land of what is, and proceed accordingly.
When I had to decide whether to take my mother off life support, I had to do it alone. Her only living blood was her sister. Who decided days before she was 'already dead' and there was no decision to be made. That was clearly not true, and I 'needed' her to see it my way and help me with this, but she could. not. She had to cope in HER WAY (which was to think positive thoughts that her spirit was already gone, which was a cop out if you ask me, but it was what it was).
I did not want to do it alone, but I HAD TO DO IT ALONE. I had no choice but to stay in the land of what is. It was painful AF, and I had no idea if what I was doing was right, and the consequences of being wrong couldn't have been higher, but I had to do what I had to do.
You seem unwilling to accept situations that you cannot make into what you 'need' them to be. God only knows what would be happening in your family if you didn't get bailed out of a CELL PHONE 'situation'. Go to therapy on your own, and seek the skills to deal with life as it IS.
Get emotional support from a pro. Your sister cannot do it and no amount of wishing or pushing or arguing is going to change that. You're just creating a new family drama.
Call 211 for free counseling. Go w/o your wife if she won't go. Your sister literally cannot support you emotionally. In order to do so, she'd need to see the situation the same way you do and she doesn't, but then you will say she SHOULD, but she doesn't.
You do a lot of living in the land of what you think should be, rather than in the land of what is. Everything about this situation will get better for you when you get into the land of what is, and proceed accordingly.
When I had to decide whether to take my mother off life support, I had to do it alone. Her only living blood was her sister. Who decided days before she was 'already dead' and there was no decision to be made. That was clearly not true, and I 'needed' her to see it my way and help me with this, but she could. not. She had to cope in HER WAY (which was to think positive thoughts that her spirit was already gone, which was a cop out if you ask me, but it was what it was).
I did not want to do it alone, but I HAD TO DO IT ALONE. I had no choice but to stay in the land of what is. It was painful AF, and I had no idea if what I was doing was right, and the consequences of being wrong couldn't have been higher, but I had to do what I had to do.
You seem unwilling to accept situations that you cannot make into what you 'need' them to be. God only knows what would be happening in your family if you didn't get bailed out of a CELL PHONE 'situation'. Go to therapy on your own, and seek the skills to deal with life as it IS.
Get emotional support from a pro. Your sister cannot do it and no amount of wishing or pushing or arguing is going to change that. You're just creating a new family drama.
Did you ever have a conversation with your sister about what would happen when your parents need help? Or did you just assume?
My parents were abusive. I cut them both out of my life 2 years ago, while my brother has very limited contact with them. I've made it clear to my brother that I will not be of any physical help when it comes time to care for my parents. If he chooses to, he is welcome to, but I will have nothing to do with them. I will only offer financial help if it would be of absolutely no impact to my savings, retirement, children's college savings, or vacation savings. Chances are, that will never be the case.
If my brother suddenly expected for me to drop everything to help an abusive parent, I would not be nearly so kind as your sister has been, OP. I'd tell him to pound sand.
You noted that your father hasn't even seen your nieces in many years. That is because your sister is PROTECTING them from an abusive old man. The writing has been on the wall long before this instance.
Not to mention, mental health issues can be hereditary. That's even more compounded by a woman who faced the PROFOUND trauma of emotional and physical abuse at the hand of a parent. She may find handling his mental health issues triggering to her own, and further needs to protect herself.
What exactly do you expect her to accomplish and help with in the few days that she would visit? What happens after she goes flies back home?
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