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Here's the thing. You are not responsible for your father in the sense that you are obligated to keep him from killing himself. He owns his life, and while you can help him in the sense of making sure that he has access to medication and therapy, you can't fix him.
Be prepared that your father will probably, at some point, be successful in his efforts to self-harm -- and it will NOT be your fault. You can't make another person "happy".
How do you know the father is struggling financially or unable to pay for his own care? And depressed people normally do not have a full-time live-in nurse!
I don’t - but like you, I am wondering who’s paying the bill for the live-in nurse/aid. That’s costly. And I remember the OP mentioning in the iPhone thread that one of the reasons he didn’t have the money to keep his promise to his daughter was that an unanticipated family medical event had happened and had prevented him from saving anything. I’m wondering whether this just might be what he was referring to.
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And all siblings are not in a position to pay for such an extravagant thing! not by a long shot.
I never said they were. I only said that IF they were in fact in a position to do so, that they might choose to offer financial assistance as a way of helping from a distance.
I think it's harsh for YOU because you're stuck in your own ideals and don't want to accept the cold, hard, HUMAN possibility that your sister no longer gives a damn about your dad, ...... and that now she is also losing patience with you. That's in spite of the fact that she's been letting you know in no uncertain terms that she isn't going to get involved and is not giving in to your demands. What does she have to do to get the message across to you? Hit you over the head with a concrete brick with rebar stuck in it? I think she's already done that metaphorically and you're refusing to acknowledge it.
You aren't being realistic or practical about this. Just because you're a sentimental old softie for your dysfunctional, suicidal dad doesn't mean that your sister is capable of looking at and sympathizing with you and your dad's situation the same way you do. If you want to shoulder some responsibilities for your dad you need to face facts and come up with some other alternatives for dealing with the situation. You will need to do that without expecting your sister to completely uproot her life and discard all her important family and work responsibilities because you say she should.
Here's a tip for you. Pretend that all of your friends and family members (except for your dad) are dead and no longer available to you. You have nobody else to fall back on except yourself and the community resources that are close to you where you live. Now - come up with some other practical plans for how to get more support for your dad that does not include family or friends.
Ask for helpful, practical suggestions instead of complaining about the past and the things that you can't change.
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I repeat, I cannot just "pretend" my entire family is dead because they are not. I'm not expecting her to give up anything, I literally just need her over here for a couple of days so we can discuss what's going to happen and now to handle everything. I have said this multiple times, but their relationship has progressed since childhood and she's his kid too, not just me. Why is an act of selfishness justified just because of events that took place over 3 and a half decades ago?
Since the OP borrowed $1000 from his sister to pay for a $1000 iPhone for his 16 year old daughter at Christmas, how in the world can he pay for a full-time live-in nurse for his depressed father?
It's funny, when I questioned the scenario presented by the OP pertaining to the $1000 Christmas iPhone, I got reprimanded, as if the veracity of everything on CD can never ever be questioned.
My dad is paying for that nurse himself, not me. I think if I was I'd be even more upset.
I don’t - but like you, I am wondering who’s paying the bill for the live-in nurse/aid. That’s costly. And I remember the OP mentioning in the iPhone thread that one of the reasons he didn’t have the money to keep his promise to his daughter was that an unanticipated family medical event had happened and had prevented him from saving anything. I’m wondering whether this just might be what he was referring to.
I never said they were. I only said that IF they were in fact in a position to do so, that they might choose to offer financial assistance as a way of helping from a distance.
My father is paying for the live-in nurse himself out of his own pocket. His pension pays well since he had a pretty high-paying job before he retired and since he lives alone with nobody to take care of I assume he's also saved up quite a bit of money.
Also, before you ask, I didn't consider the possibility of asking my dad to pay for that iPhone because I knew it'd be futile. He highly dislikes Apple as a company and would never give me $1000 dollars for a cell phone. It isn't how he raised us at all so I knew it would just be a waste of time.
And the two events are completely unrelated, what took place during Christmas break was an unexpected emergency that occurred with one of my cousins on my mom's side.
I literally just need her over here for a couple of days so we can discuss what's going to happen and now to handle everything.
She’s apparently choosing to leave all that up to you. And if that were really all you wanted from her, that could be accomplished over the phone.
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Originally Posted by kenneth.24
I have said this multiple times, but their relationship has progressed since childhood and she's his kid too, not just me. Why is an act of selfishness justified just because of events that took place over 3 and a half decades ago?
You do not get to impose a statute of limitations. It’s not your pain.
Nothing! That's what he'd do. Maybe send a check if possible. Demand someone fly cross country and give up their life for a few weeks is just unrealistic...or worse a few days!
What are you talking about? People do this everyday.
Here's how it works.
1) You tell your boss you need to take FMLA for a week or two due to a family illness.
2) You contact an airline either online or on the phone and get a flight.
3) You go to the airport.
Totally realistic.
You act like it's the 1800s and you have to go by wagon train to get out west.
He says he just wants to talk with his sister. He can do that by phone.
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How did the relationship progress? The fact you are down playing the abuse and its potential long term effects makes me question your take on their relationship.
As the child of an abusive parent who made the choice to become caretaker when my parent fell ill, I felt no resentment towards those who were unable/unwilling to visit or at minimum pick up a phone. Sure those kids still spoke to my parent, but there were still a lot of issues stemming from the abuse suffered. I am sure the fact they still spoke would make it appear that the relationship was OK, but it was not.
The fact is even if her relationship with him has been better, it is her choice. You cannot force her to do what she is not comfortable with. You claim you need support, but do you really need her to give that to you; especially in person? You claim she is being selfish, but the same could be said of you. You want her to do what you want without considering her feelings and the effect on her life in all of this. This is a stressful situation. Directing your anger at your sister will only make it worse. I would suggest focusing on things you can control and finding ways to deal with this situation without involving or pestering your sister any further.
Last edited by miasth; 02-08-2018 at 11:15 PM..
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