How do I deal with a highly uncooperative, apathetic sister who refuses to help out? (business, mother)
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I don’t - but like you, I am wondering who’s paying the bill for the live-in nurse/aid. That’s costly. And I remember the OP mentioning in the iPhone thread that one of the reasons he didn’t have the money to keep his promise to his daughter was that an unanticipated family medical event had happened and had prevented him from saving anything. I’m wondering whether this just might be what he was referring to.
I never said they were. I only said that IF they were in fact in a position to do so, that they might choose to offer financial assistance as a way of helping from a distance.
Yep. He guilted his sister out of $1,000 for an iPhone for his daughter. Great relationship dynamics here.
His sister moved 2,500 miles to get as much separation as possible from an abusive parent. What part of “hell no” does the OP fail to understand? If I were being emotionally manipulated by my sibling like that, I’d flush them, too. Who needs that kind of toxic stuff in their life?
Good Morning everybody, I hope everyone is healthy, happy and well.
I'm having some pressing issues with my sister right now and I thought I'd turn to the CD community for some advice, since a lot of folks on here were really helpful the last time I was going through certain difficulties.
Long story short, our dad is struggling with really severe, clinical depression, and it got so bad over these past few months he tried killing himself a couple of weeks ago. I've hired a live-in nurse for him who specializes in mental health because there is no way I'm letting him live alone in that house anymore, however, that doesn't mean I still don't have to put a lot of personal effort into taking care of him. My wife and me have been visiting him often to make sure he's alright and not feeling lonely, and we also bring our daughters over so they can spend some time with their grandpa (they usually tend to cheer him up which is really sweet to see and also beneficial to my dad's health, so we try bringing them over as much as we can).
I don't mind spending time with my dad and I'm happy to help as much as I can, but sometimes everything can get really overwhelming and unbearable; just too much for me to handle. I mean having my father try to kill himself was/is not easy for me to digest, and neither is seeing him struggle with this illness on a daily basis, it's really hard on me emotionally and it feels like I'm getting no support whatsoever, which is starting to really get to me. I understand my mom not helping out since her and my dad have been badly divorced for over 27 years and hate each other, but my sister should definitely be contributing.
She lives in NYC and we live in Northern CA, so I understand why it might be more inconvenient for her to help out, but the complete lack of consideration and empathy is what bothers me. She should not be using the fact she's "busy with work and family" as an excuse to not contribute to our family issues. It's not like I sit around all day in my bathrobe watching Oprah, I have a job along with a wife and kids I need to spend time with as well, but when it comes to my family, I'm going to do the best I possibly can to assist. When I called her and let her know our dad tried to kill himself, not only did she not fly over to help me out with everything, she had this incredibly apathetic attitude and frankly just didn't seem to give a damn (ok, am I allowed to actually curse on this thing? Just for future reference).
She's his kid too, and it's not fair that I have to go through all of this alone. It's not just helping with day-to-day errands, I also really need her for some emotional support as seeing my dad like this is not easy, and it isn't really something I can lean on my wife for because she doesn't know him the way me and my sister do. And actually, speaking of my wife, this whole thing is also causing some drama (on top of the already-existing constant tension) between her and me, as she keeps on hounding me about getting my sister over here to contribute.
Every time I call and try to make her understand why I'm upset, she dismisses me and starts shouting and then also starts degrading my job and saying it "doesn't matter if [i] don't go" because "it barely pays anything anyway", and then the whole conversation ends up morphing into a massive argument where I get so frustrated I just hang up. My wife has offered to call my sister up and try talking to her but I keep on trying to dodge that as I know it would just lead to more family drama, and I think we have more than enough of that already.
I know my sister and I know she can get like this when she's stressed out so I try particularly hard to just ignore all the hurtful things she says, but she needs to understand that I genuinely need her help, I can't keep on dealing with this alone because it's starting to affect my mental state.
Thanks for any advice, it's greatly appreciated
Warm Regards
-Ken
I'm not sure WHAT you want your sister to do from across the country from your Dad. She may have had a totally different relationship with him than you did, hence her not wanting to come deal with him.
Also, I learned one thing from Dr. Phil McGraw>>>the use of the word BUT negates ALL that was said before it. Take good care of your Dad. I understand the aging process and all that it brings to a table (Maslow's hierarchy of needs). I am not suicidal but I sure would be if I got the Alzheimers diagnosis.
I really don't understand what her visit is supposed to accomplish. He doesn't need someone to change his diapers or spoon-feed him, right? He's suffering from depression. I don't mean to minimize that, but he already has a live-in nurse that he is paying for. What more does he need?
If I'm the sister on the other side of the country with my own family and career and the family member that treated me horribly is dealing with this, my reaction would probably be the same.
It seems to me that the OP's wife is getting him all whipped up on this quest to get the sister to visit, but neither one of them has really thought about what that will accomplish.
Focus on what is within your control OP. Hint: your sister isn't. And honestly, your father's mental state isn't either.
I repeat, I cannot just "pretend" my entire family is dead because they are not. I'm not expecting her to give up anything, I literally just need her over here for a couple of days so we can discuss what's going to happen and now to handle everything. I have said this multiple times, but their relationship has progressed since childhood and she's his kid too, not just me. Why is an act of selfishness justified just because of events that took place over 3 and a half decades ago?
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO AND YOU CAN'T MAKE HER!!! She's made that clear. You can do anything you want to. She isn't going to "help." You can't make her "care." Send her a release that she acknowledges that she is giving up any and all rights to participate in decision-making concerning her father, and then just do what you think is best. Whatever it was, it was 35 years ago and your sister still can't put it behind her -- just like you can't put her apathy behind you now -- and will be blaming her for it for the rest of your life, that you had to do it alone.
You've got this fantasy of a big happy family pulling together to fix your dad and caring for him indefinitely, taking on the responsibility for making his golden years warm and happy, while your daughter happily yammers with her friends with her $1,000 iPhone 10 that your sister bought for her. Your sister obviously has family feeling for you and your family. But you are asking too much when it comes to your dad. Accept it and stop insisting on something that she cannot/will not do. It's like trying to teach a cat to sing -- it only frustrates you and annoys the cat.
OP, you have a lot of nerve. Your father abused your sister. Not just once, but repeatedly. Then you have the nerve to say you were there for her growing up? You want her gratitude because you stopped him? because you prevented it from happening again? Hell no you weren't. You should be glad your sister still considers you family. As for your father, how dare you expect her to care? If you were aware of some of the abuse, you can bet your bippy there was a lot more you didn't see or know about.
Stop blaming your sister for your choices and behavior. She is NOT going to support your need to take care of your father. That is your need and your choice. When you stop blaming your sister for doing well in her life (good job, has money), maybe you can forge a relationship with her as siblings, but don't bet on it until YOU get some counselling.
Know this: you were not truly there for her growing up or she would be more attentive to you.
Stop holding yourself out as the great protector, carer, and responsible one.
What are you talking about? People do this everyday.
Here's how it works.
1) You tell your boss you need to take FMLA for a week or two due to a family illness.
2) You contact an airline either online or on the phone and get a flight.
3) You go to the airport.
Totally realistic.
You act like it's the 1800s and you have to go by wagon train to get out west.
FMLA is NOT available to every person at every company in every job. There's also a HUGE issue with FMLA....you do NOT get paid! Many people can't afford not to collect a paycheck. There's also the issue of your career. I know people whose careers have been hindered by taking FMLA. Sure a job is kept for you, however, it may not be the job you had and it can impact your advancement later on. It's not supposed to, but that's not how life works.
If you think it's so easy to give up your life, family, and career for a couple of weeks, why don't you volunteer to take care of the dad? And why are you insisting that someone who was PHYSICALLY abused go take care of this person? That's so sick and twisted!
Oh and flying isn't free either. Then where does the sister stay? If you think she's staying with her abuser, you're nuts. The OP may or may not have room at his house. There's already tension between the siblings so that probably won't work. So is she stuck footing the bill for a hotel? This is getting expensive rather quickly!
He says he just wants to talk with his sister. He can do that by phone.
He's had numerous phone calls with her. She's not telling him what he wants to hear. He refuses to accept that. She's not going to do what he wants. He needs to get over it and accept it for what it is.
I'm not really sure what the OP's problem is. The dad is paying for his own nurse so what expenses does the OP have for this? Sure he can visit and spend time with dad, but I don't see what the sister needs to be there for. I'm wondering if there's other medical issues aside from the depression.
He's had numerous phone calls with her. She's not telling him what he wants to hear. He refuses to accept that. She's not going to do what he wants. He needs to get over it and accept it for what it is.
I'm not really sure what the OP's problem is. The dad is paying for his own nurse so what expenses does the OP have for this? Sure he can visit and spend time with dad, but I don't see what the sister needs to be there for. I'm wondering if there's other medical issues aside from the depression.
I totally agree.
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I agree with everyone here. If you have calmly and rationally relayed to your sister that you really need her help and she is unwilling to help, then your only option is to accept that she will not be involved and try to move forward from there. I would not continue to contact her to persuade her to see your side of things. You cannot pressure or force her to do anything she is obviously unwilling to do.
If you are indeed fortunate enough to be able to engage professionals for your father's care, you are ahead of the game. Be the best son you can be to him during his remaining time on earth. There are caretaker organizations with resources to help you overcome this challenge.
God, grant me serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
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