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I walked your path. So sorry to hear of your sibling quandary. Made of the same blood,yet not of the same values. I commend you for holding firm on being there for your Dad.
I sincerely hope you'll look into a support group. I go to one for my son as he was diagnosed with a mental health concern. This group has 'eased' the challenge and given tips to adjust .
How disappointing when values do not align to the circumstance.
Keep being a positive person . I can't defend your sister...I can only commend a family man who is holding up as best you can given these past few weeks of reality slaps.
You're making a lot of financial assumptions about her life. This isn't just about money. This is about her history with a man who treated terribly.
You're making the choices to take care of your dad. Those are your choices. You can't force your sister into your choices. She's also an adult. She has her own things to deal with regarding your dad. She may never get what it's like for you, but also made these choices. She's making hers. Yes, it hurts, but it also hurt her when your dad would say nasty things to her. Sorry, but he's not going to get a free pass from her. It sounds like he's had a way with driving people away.
I get it that you want and need a break, but that's something you're going to have to take care of. Maybe hire another nurse or just go out and do something with your immediate family for a day. Making your dad your entire life isn't good for you, your children, your wife, and your relationships with any of them. You still have to take care of yourself.
People who have high paying jobs and are up the corporate ladder, really are VERY busy at work. They can't just take off for a few weeks. My husband is pretty up there at his company and he is required to put vacation time in 3 months in advance for anything more than a day off. If he want a full week off, he must submit that request 3 months in advance. A 2 week vacation? Yeah that's a 6 month in advance request. The requests can be denied and they frequently are. It all depends on the project he's assigned to. It's definitely NOT easy to just take off work!
I own my own company and I cannot just leave for a few weeks. I have people I trust running numerous things while I'm away, but it's all planned out months in advance. I'm also working while I'm away. I still check on things constantly.
Your sister also has children. You don't know what is going on with them in school, sports, extra curricular activities, etc. You don't know if one has an illness. You don't know what's going on with your brother-in-law. You really don't know what's going on in their lives. It's VERY presumptuous to say she should drop everything and fly cross country to take care a dad who was very mean to her as a child and quite frankly sounds like a jerk. You don't say mean things to your children and expect them to be there for you later in life. She doesn't owe him a damn thing!
They haven't had a stable relationship most of her life so why are you demanding that she run to your beckon call to care for a person who doesn't sound like he even likes her? Just because he's a parent doesn't mean she owes him anything. It also doesn't mean that she has to drop her life to care for him. You are choosing to do that. That's 100% on you. You are going to have to accept that she is NOT going to come take care of him.
Look, I don't know how it works when one has a high paying job as nor me or my wife have one, but I'm sure that if urgent family matters come up, taking time off isn't that unattainable. She works a lot and I know that, but these are serious family emergencies that I'd appreciate her help with. It's not just a matter of appreciation, it's a need, more often than not I feel like I'm drowning.
I'm pretty sure her husband and kids are doing alright or she would have mentioned something on the phone. I'm not expecting her to "drop everything" and run into my dad's arms, but really need her help and her apathetic attitude is really bothering me. Again, yes he was mean to her, but this happened decades ago when we were kids and things have progressed since then. They're complicated and unstable, but they've progressed. I really don't think it's an excuse.
It's not just about her helping him, it's about her helping me. If the roles were reversed I would do it, if not for our dad, for her.
Well, I was answering the question as to why I don't care about my mom not helping but care about my sister not helping. With my mom it was a two way street and as far as my sister is concerned it's too complicated to get into, however, regardless of prior situations and regardless of anything, as his daughter and as my sister who supposedly cares about me (even though based on her attitude lately I'm willing to debate that) she should put the effort in and fly over, even if it's just for a few days. If not for our dad then for me, my wife and my kids.
Wow. I see where your daughter gets her self-centeredness from.
You've already established your dad was abusive and very callous to her, both in this thread and the other one. Sorry, but she has the right to draw the line and have nothing to do with her sperm donor, PERIOD.
You have a lot of nerve putting down your sister here and questioning whether she really cares about you. Especially when she came through for you and got your daughter the stupidly expensive phone and made you the Shining Knight in said daughter's eyes. At your wife's (and younger daughter's) expense as well.... that tension hasn't calmed a bit? That's why you're mad at your sister because she won't save the day again?
L, but really need her help and her apathetic attitude is really bothering me. Again, yes he was mean to her, but this happened decades ago when we were kids and things have progressed since then. They're complicated and unstable, but they've progressed. I really don't think it's an excuse.
It's not just about her helping him, it's about her helping me. If the roles were reversed I would do it, if not for our dad, for her.
I think it is very clear that she wants nothing to do with her father. You do.
Proceed accordingly. It's not for you to decide that she should be over whatever occurred.
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Keep in mind, this happened over 38-45 years ago back when we were young kids. Our dad was never really like that with me but I saw how he treated my sister firsthand, and yes, I get it's traumatic and I understand, which is why I haven't pushed her for other things
Except for buying a new iPhone X for your spoiled older daughter. Remember that? It was just a few weeks ago.
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HOWEVER, this is different.
It always is when someone is trying to rationalize their behavior.
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Her and our dad have come a long way since then and she needs to be here after a suicide attempt due to severe clinical depression.
I can quote what you said in another thread about how badly your father treated her. Physical abuse (hitting), verbal abuse. You weren't the target of that. I have to wonder if he sexually abused her as well, since he singled her out to batter and intimidate while leaving you alone.
You said that to her, it's just like it happened yesterday. Yes, that is EXACTLY what it is like to victims of abuse. Your sister needs help, not condemnation.
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Again, if not for our dad, for me. Her behavior is beyond selfish
It's self-defense. You're trying to guilt her back into an abusive situation. That's wrong.
The thing is, why should I be the only one putting so much effort into helping our father when she's perfectly capable of flying over and helping out, even if it's just for a couple of days? Why does she just get off the hook for not helping while I emotionally exhaust myself on a daily basis trying to assist as much as I can? Her attitude is what bothers me the most, especially the way she handles what I tell her on the phone. It's just unacceptable.
Stop and think about your sister's relationship with your dad. Have they been close before this current situation? If the answer is no, then you are expecting something from your sister that she wasn't already doing. And, seriously....to expect her to be there for you when she lives across the U.S. is expecting an awful lot.
I think that you should get some counseling, for yourself and your wife. While it is commendable, You obviously are overdoing your care giving role for your Dad.
You don't say his age, or if his depression has been resent onset or life long struggle. These become important when looking for resources to help your dad.
You might look for professionals that can assess your dad's ability to live alone, and determine based on his medical/mental health whether he should be in a different environment.
Call 211 from your Dad's area code and ask for an agency that could help you coordinate your dad's care. The volunteers that answer 24/7 are trained to help us lay folks folks figure out who, what and where regarding everything from emergency situations to issues such as yours. 2-1-1.org
Also, if your dad does have a disability, depression...perhaps contact APS (Adult Protective Services) so that they can do an in home assessment to help address your dad's needs.
I hope that you get the support that you need for yourself and your dad.
Care giver support online links: Look for support, tips and helpful ideas from other care givers. There were many, this is just a few.
Except for buying a new iPhone X for your spoiled older daughter. Remember that? It was just a few weeks ago.
It always is when someone is trying to rationalize their behavior.
I can quote what you said in another thread about how badly your father treated her. Physical abuse (hitting), verbal abuse. You weren't the target of that. I have to wonder if he sexually abused her as well, since he singled her out to batter and intimidate while leaving you alone.
You said that to her, it's just like it happened yesterday. Yes, that is EXACTLY what it is like to victims of abuse. Your sister needs help, not condemnation.
That iPhone was financial help that was a huge favor she did for me. It has absolutely nothing to do with our dad and her contributing to our family issues.
Like I said, the way he treated her is not okay in the slightest and I've never been okay with it, which is why I tried and still try to do my very best as a parent and take a gentler, kinder approach. But when it comes to a literal life and death situation, it's important to me that she flies over and helps me out because I really need the support. Especially emotionally. Throwing money at me once is not true support, it's just a temporary aide. And while I appreciate her buying that phone for my daughter, I would much rather have her support than her money. Also, it's a matter of me and my wife putting a lot of time and energy into making sure my dad is well taken care of. I can't just leave him hanging. And my sister shouldn't either just because they have a history. I find myself feeling very overwhelmed by this whole situation and it feels like I'm flying blind here, so if she doesn't want to do it for our dad, she could at least do it for me.
The fact that my wife, who isn't even related to my dad, cares more about him and does way more for him than my sister is definitely telling.
[quote=JanND;50964233]
I think that you should get some counseling, for yourself and your wife.
You don't say his age, or if his depression has been resent onset or life long struggle. These become important when looking for resources to help your dad.
We can't really afford counseling right now, and also my wife doesn't believe in counseling so I highly doubt she'd be willing to go.
He's 77, and it's been a resent offset. He only developed it about 8 years ago and it's been gradually getting worse ever since.
Thanks for your input.
-Ken
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