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This is going to sound incredibly sappy but I feel like she doesn't love me. This horrible attitude of hers isn't how you should treat an older brother who's been there for you whenever you've needed it. She's been so horrible on the phone lately and has said some pretty mean things.
When you are talking to her on the phone, do you keep bringing up the subject of your father? She may resent what she sees as your determined attempt to drag her back into a relationship she has chosen to end. Or (in light of the iPhone incident earlier) she may feel as though you view her as an endless font of money.
Try talking to her frankly, but without attempting to pressure her into helping out with your father, and you may find her more supportive.
Once again, a poster comes on attempting to elicit sympathy and finds a problem with every comment made that does not support his position. People here are doing something the OP cannot, looking at the situation from the outside, objectively. Rather than the same arguments with all the posters here perhaps the OP should use that energy to attempt to step back from his opinion and understand what everyone is suggesting and why.
My sister flying over here for a few days and helping out would probably delight my dad as he really doesn't see much of her, ever since his depression got really bad they've barely had any contact. I mean, he hardly even knows my nieces, I think the last time they saw him was when one of them was 7 and the other was 4.
He doesn't talk about it but I know it really upset him that she didn't come visit him a couple of weeks ago. They have a history, yes, and I know she has her reasons and what those reasons are, but I still don't think that serves as an excuse to not visit a parent after such an incident. Or to only call a parent during Christmas and Easter.
I'm accepting the fact my mom won't come because I know that her coming would greatly distress both her and my dad. They just don't care about each other at all and haven't for a long time, the only feeling left is mutual hate and I've accepted that, so my mom is in no position to help anyway. She has no duty or obligation to help my dad whatsoever, they've been divorced for decades, but my sister does. An ex-wife and a daughter are completely different.
I could be your sister. My dad and I were never close, and he pretty much ignored me my whole life. After moving away at 17, he never initiated contact, and after realizing that, I stopped contacting him as well. The icing on the cake was him going on vacation a few hours away from where I was living at the time and never contacting me (we lived on different coasts as well), and finding out that he helped his sister-in-law abduct her son during a custody battle, and he and his new wife (it was her sister) supported them while they were on the run (can't make this stuff up). Knowing that, I was done.
Almost 30 years passed, and he was diagnosed with cancer. My 2 brothers were extremely close to him, and told him I was going to be in the area for a short visit. My dad asked to see me, and I agreed. We had a nice cookout, hung out for a few hours, then I flew home.
A year later he died, and I never even considered flying home for his funeral. He couldn't spare more than a few hours in 30 years for me, so I felt no obligation to do the same. Being his blood didn't change that at all. I had NO duty or obligation to help him out in any way. I owed him nothing. I didn't hate him, I just didn't care at all. I found him a despicable human being for aiding his SIL in keeping her child's father from seeing him for almost 5 years. He was a horrible father to me, alternating between belittling me, ignoring me, and lashing out at me. No amount of health issues, suicide attempts or guilt trips would change any of that.
Stop trying to rule your sister's life. If YOU want to help your dad, do it. But if she doesn't, you have no right to demand that she does.
You also know nothing about caregiving, even when you hire "professionals" you still have to monitor the situation. It's close to impossible to find people who are both reliable and caring. They might not show up or cancel at the last minute. You have to worry about theft, and especially if their are some prescription drugs around. It can be a chore just to get and keep someone you can trust.
And somehow I think if something happened to the father and he passed, the sister would have her rear end on a plane from NY to CA in a hot minute, looking for her "cut". These types always do, can't lift a finger to help but the minute the parent is gone, now they amazingly have time to be on scene.
Or you could be like me. When my father died, I never even considered flying out for his funeral, and have no idea what the "cut" anyone got from him was. I didn't get anything, didn't expect anything, and would have refused it if it had been offered to me. You need to stop acting like you know how every family dynamic plays out. Being related doesn't require a lifelong obligation to care for a horrible parent.
Look, I don't know how it works when one has a high paying job as nor me or my wife have one, but I'm sure that if urgent family matters come up, taking time off isn't that unattainable. She works a lot and I know that, but these are serious family emergencies that I'd appreciate her help with. It's not just a matter of appreciation, it's a need, more often than not I feel like I'm drowning.
I'm pretty sure her husband and kids are doing alright or she would have mentioned something on the phone. I'm not expecting her to "drop everything" and run into my dad's arms, but really need her help and her apathetic attitude is really bothering me. Again, yes he was mean to her, but this happened decades ago when we were kids and things have progressed since then. They're complicated and unstable, but they've progressed. I really don't think it's an excuse.
It's not just about her helping him, it's about her helping me. If the roles were reversed I would do it, if not for our dad, for her.
You need to be honest with yourself. You're exhausted, and feel like you're the only one pulling your weight. Stop pretending that your sister should do this for your dad, and admit that it's you that wants the help.
It probably won't change anything, but stop calling her selfish for thinking of herself, when you're doing the same thing.
The thing is, why should I be the only one putting so much effort into helping our father when she's perfectly capable of flying over and helping out, even if it's just for a couple of days? Why does she just get off the hook for not helping while I emotionally exhaust myself on a daily basis trying to assist as much as I can? Her attitude is what bothers me the most, especially the way she handles what I tell her on the phone. It's just unacceptable.
You and your sister are on opposite coasts. What exactly IS IT, that you expect her to be able to do? How long do YOU expect her to stay, if she came?
How OFTEN do you REALLY expect her to come to the other coast to help with dad? What would be good enough for you?
Cause coast to coast flights are expensive. A lot of families could only afford to do that 1x or 2x a year. Who will sister stay with? Dad? You? Hotel?
I'm sorry...but I think it's pretty impractical for you to expect your sister to be much help. She does indeed have a family and a job where she is, thousands of miles away...so she could only come for a visit for a few days, once or twice a year.
It IS a huge strain on you all though. Maybe your dad should be in an assisted living facility.
My sister flying over here for a few days and helping out would probably delight my dad as he really doesn't see much of her, ever since his depression got really bad they've barely had any contact. I mean, he hardly even knows my nieces, I think the last time they saw him was when one of them was 7 and the other was 4.
He doesn't talk about it but I know it really upset him that she didn't come visit him a couple of weeks ago. They have a history, yes, and I know she has her reasons and what those reasons are, but I still don't think that serves as an excuse to not visit a parent after such an incident. Or to only call a parent during Christmas and Easter.
I'm accepting the fact my mom won't come because I know that her coming would greatly distress both her and my dad. They just don't care about each other at all and haven't for a long time, the only feeling left is mutual hate and I've accepted that, so my mom is in no position to help anyway. She has no duty or obligation to help my dad whatsoever, they've been divorced for decades, but my sister does. An ex-wife and a daughter are completely different.
You are projecting anger and resentment onto your sister. Yout sister does not have a duty or obligation anymore than you do, but you are nearby, and have a closer relationship and want to help. Your sister has obligations on the other side of the country.
What was the incident? And what right do you have to determine whether that history should be judged and bypassed at the expense of your sister and are you willing to alienate your sister over this.
I think that's rather harsh, don't you? We're human above everything.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hertfordshire
Easy for the person who didn't suffer the abuse to say.
Exactly.
OP, you admit you can understand why your mother hates him and doesn't want anything to do with him. Well, it seems that the same thing applies to your sister. It's clear your experiences with your father were very different than hers, and she's entitled to make her own choices even when they are different from yours, and not what you want her to do.
I get that you feel like she should do this for YOU, but the reality is that it's still for HIM.
Someone suggested seeing if she can contribute financially and maybe that would help you out a bit.
But the reality is that you and your wife are getting worked up over something you have no control over. Your sister has made her choice to not help your father, and you and your wife have made your own choice. Your sister isn't telling her that you can't help him, right? Well, that's exactly what you are doing - trying to demand that she follow YOUR choice rather than her own.
Time to let it go. Do what you are able to do, and know that your father made his own bed here. I hope he's grateful for the help you are giving but that doesn't mean he's entitled to help from anyone who doesn't choose to give that help.
This is going to sound incredibly sappy but I feel like she doesn't love me. This horrible attitude of hers isn't how you should treat an older brother who's been there for you whenever you've needed it. She's been so horrible on the phone lately and has said some pretty mean things.
Because you're trying to guilt her into doing something that she has no desire or obligation to do. That's not how you treat a younger sister who's been through abuse. I'd be getting pretty mean too, to be honest.
so your father was emotionally abusive to your sister as she was growing up wow, and you want her to do WHAT! You are trying to dictate to her what she should do for this man, and trying to guilt her, NO WONDER she is keeping away.
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