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Good Morning everybody, I hope everyone is healthy, happy and well.
I'm having some pressing issues with my sister right now and I thought I'd turn to the CD community for some advice, since a lot of folks on here were really helpful the last time I was going through certain difficulties.
Long story short, our dad is struggling with really severe, clinical depression, and it got so bad over these past few months he tried killing himself a couple of weeks ago. I've hired a live-in nurse for him who specializes in mental health because there is no way I'm letting him live alone in that house anymore, however, that doesn't mean I still don't have to put a lot of personal effort into taking care of him. My wife and me have been visiting him often to make sure he's alright and not feeling lonely, and we also bring our daughters over so they can spend some time with their grandpa (they usually tend to cheer him up which is really sweet to see and also beneficial to my dad's health, so we try bringing them over as much as we can).
I don't mind spending time with my dad and I'm happy to help as much as I can, but sometimes everything can get really overwhelming and unbearable; just too much for me to handle. I mean having my father try to kill himself was/is not easy for me to digest, and neither is seeing him struggle with this illness on a daily basis, it's really hard on me emotionally and it feels like I'm getting no support whatsoever, which is starting to really get to me. I understand my mom not helping out since her and my dad have been badly divorced for over 27 years and hate each other, but my sister should definitely be contributing.
She lives in NYC and we live in Northern CA, so I understand why it might be more inconvenient for her to help out, but the complete lack of consideration and empathy is what bothers me. She should not be using the fact she's "busy with work and family" as an excuse to not contribute to our family issues. It's not like I sit around all day in my bathrobe watching Oprah, I have a job along with a wife and kids I need to spend time with as well, but when it comes to my family, I'm going to do the best I possibly can to assist. When I called her and let her know our dad tried to kill himself, not only did she not fly over to help me out with everything, she had this incredibly apathetic attitude and frankly just didn't seem to give a damn (ok, am I allowed to actually curse on this thing? Just for future reference).
She's his kid too, and it's not fair that I have to go through all of this alone. It's not just helping with day-to-day errands, I also really need her for some emotional support as seeing my dad like this is not easy, and it isn't really something I can lean on my wife for because she doesn't know him the way me and my sister do. And actually, speaking of my wife, this whole thing is also causing some drama (on top of the already-existing constant tension) between her and me, as she keeps on hounding me about getting my sister over here to contribute.
Every time I call and try to make her understand why I'm upset, she dismisses me and starts shouting and then also starts degrading my job and saying it "doesn't matter if [i] don't go" because "it barely pays anything anyway", and then the whole conversation ends up morphing into a massive argument where I get so frustrated I just hang up. My wife has offered to call my sister up and try talking to her but I keep on trying to dodge that as I know it would just lead to more family drama, and I think we have more than enough of that already.
I know my sister and I know she can get like this when she's stressed out so I try particularly hard to just ignore all the hurtful things she says, but she needs to understand that I genuinely need her help, I can't keep on dealing with this alone because it's starting to affect my mental state.
Thanks for any advice, it's greatly appreciated
Warm Regards
-Ken
You can't change your sister and make her want to help out more. The only thing you can do is accept that you don't/won't have her support. It's unfair, but that's the way it is. Focus on finding local resources and support to help your need to cope.
It can be done. Imagine those people who don't have siblings. For all intents and purposes, you're going to have to consider yourself an only child in this situation.
Last edited by hertfordshire; 02-08-2018 at 08:46 AM..
You can't control your sister and force her to travel cross country. The sooner you realize that, the less stressed you'll be. Don't blame her for the difficult choices she is making in this situation.
Is your dad under a doctor's care and on medication? The live-in nurse sounds good.
Sounds like you could also benefit from seeing a therapist or going to some sort of support group where you can vent about all these pressures. Please don't let your dad's illness hurt your marriage or your relationship with your sister.
You say you don't expect help from your mother because her and your dad hate each other. You seem to accept that!
Why can you accept that your sister wants nothing to do with him too?
It's your choice to do what you're doing for him...just don't let it interfere with your own family and life...
.You and your wife should quit directing your anger towards your sister...I'm sure she has her own good reasons (as does your mom) for not wanting to be involved in your dads life, and him trying to kill himself isn't gonna change whatever hurt they're obviously feeling.
You can't change your sister and make her want to help out more. The only thing you can do is accept that you don't/won't have her support. It's unfair, but that's the way it is. Focus on finding local resources and support to help you need to cope.
It can be done. Imagine those people who don't have siblings. For all intents and purposes, you're going to have to consider yourself an only child in this situation.
The thing is, why should I be the only one putting so much effort into helping our father when she's perfectly capable of flying over and helping out, even if it's just for a couple of days? Why does she just get off the hook for not helping while I emotionally exhaust myself on a daily basis trying to assist as much as I can? Her attitude is what bothers me the most, especially the way she handles what I tell her on the phone. It's just unacceptable.
Is your dad under a doctor's care and on medication? The live-in nurse sounds good.
Good luck and take care.
Yeah, especially after the suicide attempt, he's under constant supervision and under a lot of medication. That's actually one of the main reasons why I hired the nurse in the first place, to make sure she watches over my dad on a daily basis because I obviously can't always be there.
The thing is, why should I be the only one putting so much effort into helping our father when she's perfectly capable of flying over and helping out, even if it's just for a couple of days? Why does she just get off the hook for not helping while I emotionally exhaust myself on a daily basis trying to assist as much as I can? Her attitude is what bothers me the most, especially the way she handles what I tell her on the phone. It's just unacceptable.
You shouldn't be the only one putting in the effort. But you are. And there's nothing you can do to change that. Dwelling on that isn't helping you in any way.
You say you don't expect help from your mother because her and your dad hate each other. You seem to accept that!
Why can you accept that your sister wants nothing to do with him too?
It's your choice to do what you're doing for him...just don't let it interfere with your own family and life...
.You and your wife should quit directing your anger towards your sister...I'm sure she has her own good reasons (as does your mom) for not wanting to be involved in your dads life, and him trying to kill himself isn't gonna change whatever hurt they're obviously feeling.
My sister flying over here for a few days and helping out would probably delight my dad as he really doesn't see much of her, ever since his depression got really bad they've barely had any contact. I mean, he hardly even knows my nieces, I think the last time they saw him was when one of them was 7 and the other was 4.
He doesn't talk about it but I know it really upset him that she didn't come visit him a couple of weeks ago. They have a history, yes, and I know she has her reasons and what those reasons are, but I still don't think that serves as an excuse to not visit a parent after such an incident. Or to only call a parent during Christmas and Easter.
I'm accepting the fact my mom won't come because I know that her coming would greatly distress both her and my dad. They just don't care about each other at all and haven't for a long time, the only feeling left is mutual hate and I've accepted that, so my mom is in no position to help anyway. She has no duty or obligation to help my dad whatsoever, they've been divorced for decades, but my sister does. An ex-wife and a daughter are completely different.
My sister flying over here for a few days and helping out would probably delight my dad as he really doesn't see much of her, ever since his depression got really bad they've barely had any contact. I mean, he hardly even knows my nieces, I think the last time they saw him was when one of them was 7 and the other was 4.
He doesn't talk about it but I know it really upset him that she didn't come visit him a couple of weeks ago. They have a history, yes, and I know she has her reasons and what those reasons are, but I still don't think that serves as an excuse to not visit a parent after such an incident. Or to only call a parent during Christmas and Easter.
I'm accepting the fact my mom won't come because I know that her coming would greatly distress both her and my dad. They just don't care about each other at all and haven't for a long time, the only feeling left is mutual hate and I've accepted that, so my mom is in no position to help anyway. She has no duty or obligation to help my dad whatsoever, they've been divorced for decades, but my sister does. An ex-wife and a daughter are completely different.
Why do you even bring up your mother? Of course she would not get involved.
If your sister and father have a "history", she may not ever come. For her own mental safety.
You may have to accept that you're the last person your dad has left, that he's burned all his bridges and hurt people that loved him at one time. I don't know. Sounds like there's more to the story. You may not know how bad things were.
She has no duty or obligation to help my dad whatsoever, they've been divorced for decades, but my sister does.
Actually, no, your sister doesn't. I have no obligation to take care of my mother and trust me, I never will.
As hard as it is, learn to accept the fact that you can't dictate to others. I expect you and your wife are working up quite the grudge. I've seen it in action firsthand. Nothing good comes of it.
You always have the choice to step back, as well, and leave the caregiving to professionals.
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