Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
OP, you're wasting valuable time and energy being angry about something that you have zero control over and cannot change.
It sucks. It really does. And it's unfair as hell. But that's just the way it is. You have to accept it and put your energy where it will better serve you. Anger and resentment is wasted emotion. It does nothing to the person you're angry at. It only serves to tear you down further.
I am sorry things are so difficult. It sounds to me as if you're focusing on your sister's lack of support rather than focusing on what's going on with your father right now.
If your father was that verbally abusive to your sister during her early years, it's not surprising that she has distanced herself from him. While your need for support and encouragement is valid, I'd urge you to look for that support elsewhere, perhaps in a support group for members of the "sandwich generation" or at your local NAMI group. Keep your sister posted about your father, but keep it completely free of emotion and blame. Forget the "if onlys" and "why doesn't she?s". Focus on each day, and as others have suggested, think of yourself as an only child.
I was an only child, and I cared for a severely disabled stroke survivor elderly parent, with 24/7 hired assitants. I also took family medical leave for several months, left my across-town home, and moved into my parent's house to coordinate care.
I could have used more help from my cousins and other relatives at time, but you know, when there were visits, some of them were in denial about the severity of my parent's condition, or didn't know how best to help.
One commented on the outdated condition of my parent's house (it was clean and tidy, just needed new rugs and interior paint).
One asked how he could help - I told him the front yard needed raking, but then he refused because he didn't want to get his clothes dirty.
Another wanted to travel (with me driving) to a town 35 miles away to check out a program for the elderly he'd learned about.
Yet another, who lived 500 + miles away, dropped in with about three hours notice - accompanied by his friend who'd never been here before and whom I'd only met briefly previously. They expected to stay in my parent's house.
A couple came and stayed in a motel, but wanted to hang out at my parent's house late into the evening, after my parent was in bed and when I needed to be in bed.
They all loved me and my parent and meant well, no question of that - but except for at the very beginning, when I urgently needed to make legal, financial, and care-related decisions and did not want to leave my parent alone in the hospital while I did the necessary tasks, it was often more stressful to have to deal with them as well as my parent's needs.
Several of them kept saying, 'I just don't know how you do it!" which sounded complimentary but really was a way of getting themselves off the hook - to themselves, at least.
So - while ideally your sister should help out, and I am sure you could use another pair of caring and compassionate hands - they're not likely to be hers. Get beyond the resentment if you can - it will just sap your energy, and make you less able to assist your father and take care of your ordinary activities. Move on. Minimize your contact with your sister and keep it very unemotional when you must communicate with her. Find what you need elsewhere - she cannot and will not provide it.
The thing is, why should I be the only one putting so much effort into helping our father when she's perfectly capable of flying over and helping out, even if it's just for a couple of days? Why does she just get off the hook for not helping while I emotionally exhaust myself on a daily basis trying to assist as much as I can? Her attitude is what bothers me the most, especially the way she handles what I tell her on the phone. It's just unacceptable.
You really don't know that she is capable of flying and helping out! You really have ZERO idea what her financial situation is. You don't really have any idea about her job. You don't have any idea what's going on in her own family. Trust me, she does NOT tell you everything going on in her life.
You are choosing to emotionally exhaust yourself with all of this effort you're putting into your father. The truth is your father needs to get professional help to help him overcome why he tried to commit suicide. Only HE can do that. You can't force him to do anything.
What would you do if you were an only child? You wouldn't have a sibling to run to. Your sister lives on the other side of the country. It's NOT easy traveling that distance. I know because i do it for work twice a year and it's a nightmare! It's VERY expensive. It is literally an all day adventure to fly from coast to coast. I took 3 flights from NY to AZ a few weeks ago....14 hours to get there! Talk about an absolutely exhausting day. Then I had to be at work at 7am...Not any fun. Spending all that time traveling really isn't worth a trip for a couple of days.
You and your wife need to come up with a plan that works for you. You can't force your sister to do anything. You don't really know what her relationship is with your dad. She has a very different relationship with him than you do.
I believe anyone who was "really mean" to a child deserves absolutely nothing from that child. Period.
Keep in mind, this happened over 38-45 years ago back when we were young kids. Our dad was never really like that with me but I saw how he treated my sister firsthand, and yes, I get it's traumatic and I understand, which is why I haven't pushed her for other things, HOWEVER, this is different. Her and our dad have come a long way since then and she needs to be here after a suicide attempt due to severe clinical depression. Again, if not for our dad, for me. Her behavior is beyond selfish, and she has no reason to be rude to me on the phone and criticize my job and lifestyle when all I try to do is have a civil conversation. It's just not okay.
My sister flying over here for a few days and helping out would probably delight my dad as he really doesn't see much of her, ever since his depression got really bad they've barely had any contact. I mean, he hardly even knows my nieces, I think the last time they saw him was when one of them was 7 and the other was 4.
He doesn't talk about it but I know it really upset him that she didn't come visit him a couple of weeks ago. They have a history, yes, and I know she has her reasons and what those reasons are, but I still don't think that serves as an excuse to not visit a parent after such an incident. Or to only call a parent during Christmas and Easter.
I'm accepting the fact my mom won't come because I know that her coming would greatly distress both her and my dad. They just don't care about each other at all and haven't for a long time, the only feeling left is mutual hate and I've accepted that, so my mom is in no position to help anyway. She has no duty or obligation to help my dad whatsoever, they've been divorced for decades, but my sister does. An ex-wife and a daughter are completely different.
You're just going to have to accept life is the way it is. You know your dad and sister have a history of issues. So why would you demand or expect her to drop everything in her life and fly across country? You're being unreasonable.
Why on earth you brought your mom into this, I just don't understand. They've been divorced for 27 YEARS! That's probably far longer than they were married! Why you'd even mention someone who's divorced is just silly.
Look, I get it that this is all a lot to handle, but you need to take care of yourself and your family. Your dad will be gone someday. Your children will grow up and leave you. You don't want to be left all alone. It sounds like you have a very strained relationship with your wife. Take the time to spend with your family. Your dad is an adult and he's ultimately the one who is responsible for his actions and behavior.
You really don't know that she is capable of flying and helping out! You really have ZERO idea what her financial situation is. You don't really have any idea about her job. You don't have any idea what's going on in her own family. Trust me, she does NOT tell you everything going on in her life.
You are choosing to emotionally exhaust yourself with all of this effort you're putting into your father. The truth is your father needs to get professional help to help him overcome why he tried to commit suicide. Only HE can do that. You can't force him to do anything.
What would you do if you were an only child? You wouldn't have a sibling to run to. Your sister lives on the other side of the country. It's NOT easy traveling that distance. I know because i do it for work twice a year and it's a nightmare! It's VERY expensive. It is literally an all day adventure to fly from coast to coast. I took 3 flights from NY to AZ a few weeks ago....14 hours to get there! Talk about an absolutely exhausting day. Then I had to be at work at 7am...Not any fun. Spending all that time traveling really isn't worth a trip for a couple of days.
You and your wife need to come up with a plan that works for you. You can't force your sister to do anything. You don't really know what her relationship is with your dad. She has a very different relationship with him than you do.
Stop with the travel nonsense, in this case you get to JFK and fly into SFO, one plane non-stop. People do it everyday.
If it took you 14 hours to get from AZ to NY you must have gone on Southwest for a cheap fare, that's on you if you took 3 flights.
The OP isn't an only child, that's where the "rub" comes in, in fact in cases like this you're better off being an only child. A sibling turning their back on you in time of need is worse than a spouse or a friend.
Under FMLA, an employer has to give you time off to deal with illness in the family, that includes parents, children, and spouses. She could go for a week, she lives in NYC and has a big paying job and is married (so two incomes), so let's not cry "poor mouth".
I am sure if dad died, she would be on a plane very concerned about his house in Northern CA and getting it on the market and getting her cut.
They have a history. When we were growing up he was really mean to her and would lose his temper with her a lot and say and do some harsh things, and then as time went by they disagreed on a lot of things and had complications and overall, their relationship is just very unstable. Its had its ups too though.
Also my sister has a high-paying job and is one of those people who have a lot of corporate power, she is more than capable of flying over here and helping out. In fact financially, she is doing heaps better than I am. I don't really know what's going on with my Brother in Law and my nieces, but she hasn't mentioned anything so I've assumed everything is running smoothly.
I've tried to be clear with her about my reasons, but there's only so much expression I can put into a phone call and I feel like she understands why I want her to fly over for a couple of days.
People who have high paying jobs and are up the corporate ladder, really are VERY busy at work. They can't just take off for a few weeks. My husband is pretty up there at his company and he is required to put vacation time in 3 months in advance for anything more than a day off. If he want a full week off, he must submit that request 3 months in advance. A 2 week vacation? Yeah that's a 6 month in advance request. The requests can be denied and they frequently are. It all depends on the project he's assigned to. It's definitely NOT easy to just take off work!
I own my own company and I cannot just leave for a few weeks. I have people I trust running numerous things while I'm away, but it's all planned out months in advance. I'm also working while I'm away. I still check on things constantly.
Your sister also has children. You don't know what is going on with them in school, sports, extra curricular activities, etc. You don't know if one has an illness. You don't know what's going on with your brother-in-law. You really don't know what's going on in their lives. It's VERY presumptuous to say she should drop everything and fly cross country to take care a dad who was very mean to her as a child and quite frankly sounds like a jerk. You don't say mean things to your children and expect them to be there for you later in life. She doesn't owe him a damn thing!
They haven't had a stable relationship most of her life so why are you demanding that she run to your beckon call to care for a person who doesn't sound like he even likes her? Just because he's a parent doesn't mean she owes him anything. It also doesn't mean that she has to drop her life to care for him. You are choosing to do that. That's 100% on you. You are going to have to accept that she is NOT going to come take care of him.
You really don't know that she is capable of flying and helping out! You really have ZERO idea what her financial situation is. You don't really have any idea about her job. You don't have any idea what's going on in her own family. Trust me, she does NOT tell you everything going on in her life.
You are choosing to emotionally exhaust yourself with all of this effort you're putting into your father. The truth is your father needs to get professional help to help him overcome why he tried to commit suicide. Only HE can do that. You can't force him to do anything.
What would you do if you were an only child? You wouldn't have a sibling to run to. Your sister lives on the other side of the country. It's NOT easy traveling that distance. I know because i do it for work twice a year and it's a nightmare! It's VERY expensive. It is literally an all day adventure to fly from coast to coast. I took 3 flights from NY to AZ a few weeks ago....14 hours to get there! Talk about an absolutely exhausting day. Then I had to be at work at 7am...Not any fun. Spending all that time traveling really isn't worth a trip for a couple of days.
You and your wife need to come up with a plan that works for you. You can't force your sister to do anything. You don't really know what her relationship is with your dad. She has a very different relationship with him than you do.
Stop with the travel nonsense, in this case you get to JFK and fly into SFO, one plane non-stop. People do it everyday.
If it took you 14 hours to get from AZ to NY you must have gone on Southwest for a cheap fare, that's on you if you took 3 flights.
The OP isn't an only child, that's where the "rub" comes in, in fact in cases like this you're better off being an only child. A sibling turning their back on you in time of need is worse than a spouse or a friend.
Under FMLA, an employer has to give you time off to deal with illness in the family, that includes parents, children, and spouses. She could go for a week, she lives in NYC and has a big paying job and is married (so two incomes), so let's not cry "poor mouth".
I am sure if dad died, she would be on a plane very concerned about his house in Northern CA and getting it on the market and getting her cut.
Nope. Wasn't on Southwest and wasn't a cheap flight! It was almost $700. Same thing when I flew to Utah last year. 3 flights. I don't live near a major airport.
You don't know what her financial situation is like at all! Just because a family has 2 incomes doesn't mean they have money especially living in NYC.
You do NOT know that she would jump on a plane if he died and go get her cut. You're completely making nonsense up.
Keep in mind, this happened over 38-45 years ago back when we were young kids. Our dad was never really like that with me but I saw how he treated my sister firsthand, and yes, I get it's traumatic and I understand, which is why I haven't pushed her for other things, HOWEVER, this is different. Her and our dad have come a long way since then and she needs to be here after a suicide attempt due to severe clinical depression. Again, if not for our dad, for me. Her behavior is beyond selfish, and she has no reason to be rude to me on the phone and criticize my job and lifestyle when all I try to do is have a civil conversation. It's just not okay.
So you are saying your sister owes you. She doesn't owe you anything! Yes, you want her support, but you aren't going to get it. You know she has a long history with your dad. She has a right to feel how she wants to feel and she was the one who dealt with him treating her terribly for years. You didn't deal with that.
She can't change the fact that tried to commit suicide. She can't change the fact that he's dealing with severe clinical depression. He is the only one who can work through that.
I doubt you're not rude to her on the phone based on things you're saying here about her. You really are just going to have to get over it and deal with it. She's not coming. The more you bug her about this, the more you're on your own. You're just pushing her further away.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
