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... She always tells me that I need to let things go and not keep bringing up "stuff." I just have a lot I want to get off my chest, but not sure how to handle it. Any suggestions?
I tend to agree with your Mother. Just let it go. At this point in her life she is not going to change. You just have to decide how you want to react, you have the power.
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Originally Posted by elyn02
I would not initiate contact if I just wanted to get something off my chest. I would only call to see how her trip went.
I would not initiate contact if I just wanted to get something off my chest. I would only call to see how her trip went.
So if she calls me, then would it be ideal to talk with her about my feelings? Getting something off my chest probably sounds more harsh than what I anticipate. I basically want to just talk some stuff out that I have been feeling for a long time. Many things that are constantly brushed under the rug and continue to happen when we are together.
Family relationships can be, in some ways, like negotiations. You sound eager to bring your relationship with your mother back to the status quo. You'll give up whatever leverage you have - and will be the one apologizing for whatever it is you did or didn't do.
I tend to agree with your Mother. Just let it go. At this point in her life she is not going to change. You just have to decide how you want to react, you have the power.
^ This!
I guess for me is why would I use the thought that just because she won't change, as a reason not to speak with her. I feel that it's somewhat of emotional bullying when someone does things you don't like and then tells you to basically shut up, don't talk to me about what I just did to you, let it go. That's what it's like with her and my aunt (her sister) for a long time. Like butting in when I'm speaking to my husband or doing things with my child. Patronizing me for different things. I believe in being open and transparent, and communicating especially if it's a close family member, that your around a lot. Relationships can't go for years without conflict and sometimes that involves sitting down and discussing what when wrong. I don't think I would want my child to feel hesitant about talking with me if something bothered him. That would make me feel horrible.
I guess for me is why would I use the thought that just because she won't change, as a reason not to speak with her. I feel that it's somewhat of emotional bullying when someone does things you don't like and then tells you to basically shut up, don't talk to me about what I just did to you, let it go. That's what it's like with her and my aunt (her sister) for a long time. Like butting in when I'm speaking to my husband or doing things with my child. Patronizing me for different things. I believe in being open and transparent, and communicating especially if it's a close family member, that your around a lot. Relationships can't go for years without conflict and sometimes that involves sitting down and discussing what when wrong. I don't think I would want my child to feel hesitant about talking with me if something bothered him. That would make me feel horrible.
I think I understand. I hope she will listen to you and not brush it off. You can also try this: When she butts in, look at her and say "Excuse me, but this has nothing to do with you. Please don't intrude." Kinda blunt, but sometimes that's what it takes for dominant types.
I guess for me is why would I use the thought that just because she won't change, as a reason not to speak with her. I feel that it's somewhat of emotional bullying when someone does things you don't like and then tells you to basically shut up, don't talk to me about what I just did to you, let it go. That's what it's like with her and my aunt (her sister) for a long time. Like butting in when I'm speaking to my husband or doing things with my child. Patronizing me for different things. I believe in being open and transparent, and communicating especially if it's a close family member, that your around a lot. Relationships can't go for years without conflict and sometimes that involves sitting down and discussing what when wrong. I don't think I would want my child to feel hesitant about talking with me if something bothered him. That would make me feel horrible.
I made sure I changed the cycle with my sons. I wanted them to be able to talk to me, to share their feelings. I applaud you in wanting your child not to feel hesitant in talking to you.
Growing up in my family we were not allow to have drama, not allowed to talk about feelings and such. Instead, people just did the silent treatment. Sadly, that is exactly what happened with my relationship with my mother. It was impossible to tell my mother how I felt, she always became defensive, then shut down. I struggle with my sister, we were estranged for a long time. My mother's death brought us together. But we are unable to talk about our feelings or what happened in the past. I would be willing--but my sister, there is a cold draft with her, a wall so I am not about to go there. So we leave the elephant in the room.
I believe in being open and transparent also---but with the family I was raised in, it was not acceptable. Pretty stupid way to be with family members. If you can get your mother to listen to how you feel, that would be wonderful. I just think many in the previous generation are unwilling to take responsibility in how they treat people.
My mom and I got into a pretty heated argument about 6 weeks ago. Although we have gotten into arguments before, and recently more frequently than I like, this is the longest we have gone without speaking to each other. When me, my husband, and our son left her house last month, she called me when we arrived home (3 hours away) and we got into a fight over several things. I ended up hanging up on her. Later that evening she sent me a text about how she was upset and not to text her back, we both needed to calm down. Well two weeks later she still had not spoken to me, so I decided to text and asked if she wanted to talk. She asked me if I wanted to talk about our argument or just other day-to-day stuff. I told her I wanted to talk about both, but more importantly some concerns about our relationship and how we get along. She said since her and my step dad were leaving to fly overseas in two days she didn't want to talk to me then, but just wanted to face time with our son (her grandson) and that's it. When we did end up face timing she said she would talk with me when they got back from their trip in about a week. So now she has returned, three days ago and I still have not heard from her. It's very unusual because we would talk almost everyday and I know she misses talking to our son, her only grandchild, and knowing how he is doing. I'm wondering if I should just wait for her to reach out to me or should I initiate contact again? I feel like she is being stubborn or something. I don't know if she is nervous about talking to me or if she really cares at all. I would think our relationship is important enough for her to talk, but now I'm wondering. Over the years I often times felt like I'm being manipulated and bullied by my mom with her words and it has really built up a lot of feelings within me. She always tells me that I need to let things go and not keep bringing up "stuff." I just have a lot I want to get off my chest, but not sure how to handle it. Any suggestions?
Because for you any argument or issue becomes part of the baggage that you already hold against your mom.....warranted or not.....You will not be able to have a normal disagreement with her. In many ways it is unfair.....but also understandable.
As an adult you should seek professional counseling to discuss these historical mother daughter issues.....and perhaps eventually your therapist will invite your mom to some sessions where you can both discuss and resolve your childhood/adult issues.
I do sense that you love and care about your mom....why not simply call her and see how her trip went. You'll set the tone for some normalcy and it won't hurt a bit. Then on your own time, address your unresolved issues re: your mom as I described above.
Most people have unresolved issues as young adults. Life is often full of conflicts, especially when growing up. The mark of an adult is how you deal with them, without infecting present day and your child's relationship with his G. Mother. You do it for them.
Personally, I wouldn't call her but that's me. Admittedly, I'm that spiteful.
However, I think you should text her after a few days, ask about her trip and tell her you would like to talk. If something is bothering you, it's not fair for someone to tell you to let it go. Only you know how you feel and if you need to talk to get release then as your mom she should be willing to listen. A lot of parents don't like when kids talk about certain things, they get offended and see it as an attack. I wish you all the best.
The only person you have any control over is you. We are often more critical of the people we love than we are of complete strangers. Knowing this, I tend to give my loved ones a full measure of patience. They aren't always right, but they are always loved. You can decide to be right or decide to be happy. I will pick happy every time.
If something is bothering the OP about her relationship with her mother, why should she let it go? Why can't the mother listen to what the OP has to say? Maybe her mother doesn't want to talk about things because she would have to admit that she may treat the OP unfairly at times.
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