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14 year age difference... Geographic distances.... Differences in views and life prioritiess... I grew up relatively poor.... He grew up in middle upper.... I left home at 19 to support myself, he is in his late twenties still at home depending on our parents.
I know we had these conversations before, but nothing will change my mind that one marital partner is always in charge. Nowadays, it's almost universally the wife. And let's be real here: power corrupts.
Eh, we don't really have any disagreement. We have different realities. It's a phenomenon caused by low statistical samples. Out of X number of successful adult relationships where I knew the couples well, virtually all of them were equal partners. Oh I've seen little things from time to time but I know lots of happy, successful couples and I'm glad I'm friends with both partners. Urbanist on the other hand has a different sampling of adult relationships and the ones he's seen are primarily ones where one partner dominates. You see, we are both probably right. We've both observed large numbers of adult relationships but neither of us is likely to have known enough couples to have a good statistical sample.
This is basic Psychological section stuff here. Urban and I got different selections of humanity to base our opinions upon. I think we are both right.
Always two sides to every story. I could be that SPOUSE.
My husband was raised by a single parent, and it was just him and his sister, who is a few years younger than him.
He's always been the "man of the family" and supported and protected his mom and sister. He's paid their rent (they live off and on together, as their finances fluctuated), bought them groceries, fixed their cars, etc.
When his sister got married to a complete lazy loser, she still turned to my husband for support (this was all before I met him). By then his mom had gotten a really good job, and had bought a house. His sister and her husband racked up tons of debt and guilted his mom into paying it off.
When they decided to build a house on his mom's property, to save money, my husband did a lot of the work himself, to save them money.
I met him after that, and he was exposed to a normal, loving, fun family who genuinely liked being around each other. I'm very close to my family, and shortly after we got married, we started going on yearly family vacations. His mom has mentioned that his sister can't understand why he spends all his time with my family, and how much it upsets her that he's abandoned her. Especially since we've since moved to another state, which is all my doing, according to her.
We did invite her and her family to visit us a few years ago, but after saying she would come, she called him to say the only way it would happen was if my husband bought all their plane tickets. He declined, and they only came because my MIL bought the tickets.
On the surface, and to my SIL, it looks like I've turned my husband away from his "true" family, and have divided their family. Not saying that it's the case with you, but sometimes you have to look at both sides of the story.
It's not really a "close bond" in a traditional sense when one person is in charge and the other must obey. It's like living with your parents while growing up: you love each other, but their house, their rules. Which means one person has full control over the home, and the other must stay out of trouble (or out of the doghouse).
I know we had these conversations before, but nothing will change my mind that one marital partner is always in charge. Nowadays, it's almost universally the wife. And let's be real here: power corrupts.
NO ONE knows what goes on in a marriage outside of the two people that are married.
My brother is 18 months older than my sister, and growing up, they fought like cats and dogs. All the time. He was the instigator -- he picked on her, and he made fun of her. They're in their 60's now, and they never see each other or communicate in any way, which is easy to accomplish given that they live a thousand miles apart.
My sibling and I fought like cats and dogs growing up, and even through college (we went to the same school), but once we graduated we became really close friends. Do I talk to her or see her every day now? No. We live 4 states apart from each other. But I know she has my back any time, all the time.
I don't understand why so many siblings aren't close into adulthood. You grow up together and share the same blood and parents. What happens?
Many didn't grow up together... or share the same parents, especially today with fewer marriages & kids as a result of careless lust, not love. And, some parents aren't loving & nurturing, so it filters down to the kids. Some only have blood in common in a mild to wildly dysfunctional home. It's often not enough. They leave home at 17-18, move far away, never see each other often or again... what's to keep everyone bonded, when that never developed in childhood?
I'm always amazed when families live near each other, do stay in touch and/or get along. Have no idea what that's like, never did. If you have those bonds, good for you... enjoy it.
I don't understand why so many siblings aren't close into adulthood. You grow up together and share the same blood and parents. What happens?
There are as many different reasons as there are siblings. I have two brothers and love them both, but really don't like one of them. He's a self-centered whiner who is convinced that everyone but him is leading a marvelous fulfilling life. All he talks about is himself and how hard he has it, except for the rare occasion when he's bragging about himself and implying that my life must suck. If you asked him, he'd probably say that I'm a selfish, stuck-up *****, but whatever. Just because you share DNA doesn't mean you're going to be close.
I don’t really know. I guess with my brother and I, and the shared trauma we grew up with... we were close growing up because all we had was each other, but I think we both just want to forget where we came from and cling to the blissfully normal and boring lives we created.
It’s not that we don’t get along; we just don’t talk much beyond an occasional text or phone call to wish happy birthday, happy holiday, etc. If either of us needed an organ or bone marrow or something, the other would give it without hesitation, so, there’s that.
Well, at least now I know I'm not the only one who isn't close to my sibling, so thanks for this post and these responses. Where I live (a small town in the south), I seem to be the only one...when it comes to a LOT of things, actually!
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