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Technology has given us different ways to stay connected without actually connecting. I know what my sibling is doing and he knows what I'm doing even though we are 1,000 miles away and seldom talk on the phone. We have a small family and there's not much drama. I live in a place where there are big extended families and cousins are much the same as siblings and there is always some family issue that everybody has to weigh in on. I like the concept of connectedness but not busy-body part.
I don't understand why so many siblings aren't close into adulthood. You grow up together and share the same blood and parents. What happens?
So, Berteau, are you satisfied with these answers? Maybe you don't see how it could be the case in your family, but now you've been provided with plenty of examples of how others' experiences are different from yours? I'm curious what you learned by asking this question?
I don't understand why so many siblings aren't close into adulthood. You grow up together and share the same blood and parents. What happens?
Haven't seen the 5 of them in 10 years plus....don't have anything against them, they are just all different. I would help them if they need it but, if I don't see them again, no harm, no foul.....it's more common than you think.
I read this entire thread and found myself being able to relate to one story after another.
The idea that blood/kin means two people born to the same parents will by default get along is a naive fantasy. While it is certainly the case in many cases, there are far too many unpredictable variables that can affect how well siblings get along once adults.
Innate personality differences account for much of this. Even under the best circumstances: no material lack, parents both emotionally healthy, a total absence of abuse, bullying, and double-standards, wholesome schools where siblings all do well and go on to higher education and productive careers, two siblings may still turn out so different that even if there is no hatred or years'/decades' worth of bad blood between them, they may nonetheless not be close.
Now ask yourself how many people come from such ideal backgrounds vs. how many people come from (at least somewhat) dysfunctional backgrounds.
I strongly believe that many people out there have some kind of mental or psychological/personality disorder which if not full-blown schizophrenia or something that requires medication or worse, institutionalization, is nevertheless serious enough that those afflicted consistently, over many years if not decades, behave in such a way that deeply frustrate, discourage, offend, outrage, and embitter parents and siblings. My guess as to why so many of these "otherwise normal" people go undiagnosed and untreated is that the conditions/symptoms will not be recognized by non-specialists, as well as because the parents and/or siblings may not even suspect that the given person has some kind of condition - and even if someone in the family begins to wonder, many people suppress such suspicions because they don't want to believe that their son/daughter/brother/sister may have some kind of personality disorder.
A lot of difficult siblings are also incorrigibly stubborn and refuse to admit that they either do anything wrong or that they need to change their ways. Human nature is corrupt and people are messed up. Being born and raised in comfort, wealth, and under loving and well-adjusted parents doesn't change that one iota. If a person is simply rotten, that a boy or girl is living in the same home and begotten by the same mom and dad doesn't mean that the rotten person won't be cruel or hurtful to them.
I've seen enough dysfunction in my own life (those around me) and in others' lives. The older I get, the more convinced I become of how absolutely messed-up humanity is, and this tragically is all too often first seen in the home.
"Close" simply has to do with a person feeling like they were not forgotten, left behind or neglected. If somebody neglected to say what needed to be said or neglected to do what needed to be done within their power, then there is no closeness.
Closeness doesn't mean talking every day. Talking everyday might be a need for somebody, but that is not what brings closeness because it is a controlling expectation. Needing somebody to be there for every problem is another controlling expectation and does not bring closeness.
"Close" simply has to do with a person feeling like they were not forgotten, left behind or neglected. If somebody neglected to say what needed to be said or neglected to do what needed to be done within their power, then there is no closeness.
Closeness doesn't mean talking every day. Talking everyday might be a need for somebody, but that is not what brings closeness because it is a controlling expectation. Needing somebody to be there for every problem is another controlling expectation and does not bring closeness.
I interpreted "close" to mean actively in one's life; in frequent contact. But the OP can define what he/she meant by it.
I interpreted "close" to mean actively in one's life; in frequent contact. But the OP can define what he/she meant by it.
Well, sure we can define it how we want. However, shared meaning is what brings understanding and closeness. To stick with one's meaning can result in a distant relationship.
My first brother was born when I was 9. My parents divorced a couple of years later. I'd put a lot into caring for him, and continued to, until I moved to live with my Mom at age 13, leaving my little brother behind with Dad & Stepmom. We then went in wildly different directions. I had nearly unlimited freedom, and ended up going all spooky goth, becoming a Satanist briefly, and it was sex, drugs and rock & roll for me for a few years there. My little brother was being raised in a wholesome household, started attending church, and got quite religious (and still is, while I am into concepts of faith and philosophy but reject all structured religion with a passion.) Obviously my Stepmom did not want me corrupting my young brother when I was a teenager, she was pretty horrified by me, and I rarely saw him. I made peace with them all later after I grew up and had kids myself. But I am still a very different person on a very different path, and my brother and I, while friendly and we do on rare occasions talk on the phone...we aren't close in any sense. Not hostile, just distant. Also, we have not lived in the same state since 1996.
My second little brother was born when I was 13, and I helped a lot with him when he was little, too. Cute little hellion he was. I was more like a surrogate Mom than a sister to my brothers both in their babyhood. But four years later, I moved out of state to live with my Great Aunt, and he stayed behind with my Mom. I speak to him even less than my other brother (this one is my half brother, not that it matters) and he lives in Florida now, I last spoke to him in 2015. I had no real contact with him from about 1999-2014. I did not see my Mom much during those years, either, but I have always talked frequently to her on the phone. In fact, nowadays when I think of my Mom, I think of a voice on the phone.
I have no family nearby, but my ex (who still feels like family even if it's the sort you really do not want to visit for Thanksgiving, and would in fact rather not even see)...and my sons. Well, one of them, now. The other has moved to Montana.
We literally don’t have anything in common besides a shared past. She is the ultimate girl in stereotypical ways and I don’t get along with that type of girl, the whole romanticizing far away places, chick flicks, emotionally clouded thinking, even down to liking old architecture and romantizing anything old or from the past. I’m not saying this is most girls, it’s just she’s a stereotype of some sort of basic girl who probably doesn’t even really exist besides my sister lol. It’s almost like she wants to be different by being exactly predictable.
I’m exactly the opposite, I hate most old things, I love modern homes, digital books, don’t care much about traveling for reasons other than work / practical / leisure, and besides those personality differences I have bigger more ambitious goals and can’t understand how she doesn’t. We just don’t have anything in common by this point. I remain friendly and I love her but I can’t say there’s much connection anymore.
I don't understand why so many siblings aren't close into adulthood. You grow up together and share the same blood and parents. What happens?
My sister was mentally ill and an addict who beat me to unsconsciousness more than once.
Is that a good enough answer for you?
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