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Your adopted sister is understandably having problems and will need ongoing counseling. It’s too bad you are disappointed with her. Unconditional love is what most parents have. It is just that, it has no conditions. I hope she feels that. Do you hope she feels that?
My daughter wanted to be a stylist from early on till she was 18. I always told her that when she got her college degree, then she could do what she wanted. And if she still wanted to be a stylist she could even open her own salon. She went through college working part time in a salon as receptionist and her desires quickly changed. She now has a Business finance degree.
And with regards to her not dreaming bigger, it's likely because she doesn't believe that she deserves anything bigger. She's basically living an existence where her own parents didn't want her, so she probably questions her own worth. That's not someone who's going to be likely to dream big.
The thing is, she's not dreaming. She knows what she wants to do and it's a realistic goal.
It's been 7/8 years since the adoption and we've exposed her to a better quality of life and experiences I mean and love and stability...
That doesn't change the fact that she's been dealt a good bit of trauma in her short life. It's very likely that in her eyes, your mother is not her mother. You are not her brother. No matter how well-intentioned you all are. You are the people who are taking care of her because her parents didn't care enough about her to raise her.
IMO, she sounds like a normal 11 year old girl who's had upheaval and experienced emotional trauma in her young life. Has she had counseling or therapy? The thing about the pigeon is abnormal but could simply be a cry for help.
Oh yeah! Hoe many normal kids do you know that try to feed pennys to pigeons?
Just a note:
When Vidal Sasson died, he was worth $200M at the time. He "did hair".
Paul Mitchell - he "did hair". Don't know how much he was worth - but I am sure it was a lot.
John Paul DeJoria "did hair". Worth more than $3B. That's a B, not a M.
Less glorious, I had a client that owned her own saloon (actually owned two). They bought a $450K house, which in Houston, is quite nice. When I asked the lender if they qualified for the amount they were asking, he laughed and said she qualified for that by herself.
Last edited by cheryjohns; 12-03-2019 at 06:16 PM..
Just a note:
When Vidal Sasson died, he was worth $200M at the time. He "did hair".
Paul Mitchell - he "did hair". Don't know how much he was worth - but I am sure it was a lot.
John Paul DeJoria "did hair". Worth more than $3B. That's a B, not a M.
Less glorious, I had a client that owned her own saloon (actually owned two). They bought a $450K house, which in Houston, is quite nice. When I asked the lender if they qualified for the amount they were asking, he laughed and said she qualified for that by herself.
Sorry for being pedantic but the bolded is an interesting auto-correct (salon?), lol.
OP; I like the fact that you don't let her back-talk your mom.
She's confused about who she is and who she wants to be or should be. She knows she comes from the other family biologically. She probably knows your mother is better than they are, but it's hard for her to accept that her birth family is inferior so she rebels. Plus a certain amount of rebellion at her age is not unusual. Counseling may help her sort through her conflicts. I know foster children are often conflicted when it comes to rejecting even the most atrocious behaviors of their birth parents.
Sounds like a typical 11 year old going through puberty with the added burden of adjusting to a life without her mom and dad. She does sound angry, confused and upset. She may be saying things to get a rise out of you rather than actually wanting to harm pigeons. She does sound like she could use some counseling as soon as possible, patience and guidance from you and your mom, and unconditional love. She is probably scared and feeling unloved and judged. Remember, she is only 11 and dealing with issues that would be hard on anyone.
The typical 11 year-old does not get her entertainment from KILLING ANIMALS. Mental health professionals attest to violent adults often having a childhood history of animal abuse. Like others have posted, that is a red flag and requires professional help.
So I have a sister who is 11. She's adopted, long story short about that, her mother is a cousin my mom stepped in to save her from foster care I agreed to help out as sort of a benefactor/guardian and of course big brother duties. She's an alright kid for the most part but here's the problem...
She has become combative, talking back to my mom too often (once is too often but she's way past once), she's already an "excuse person"... the ones that have an excuse for why they CAN'T do something. She lacks that childlike effervescence... to learn...to try things... etc, that kids have. She talks back to other adults as wells, is pushy/bully to cousins... Anytime I see her getting out of line I check her and set her straight.
There are several kids within the extended family around the same age plus I did my share of babysitting in my teenage years so I know what I'm talking about (a little, no kids of my own). She's an oddity. Asking all the kids over Thanksgiving what they want to be, even the youngest at 7 had aspirations of being a docter other stated, lawyers, nurses, programmers etc... my sister wants to do hair. (don't take offense stylist) but kids usually have bigger dreams.
Side oddity: she also wanted to feed pennies to pigeons to see them choke, and other odd things.
I know my mother is great a child rearing and instills discipline so thoughts on this child and help? .
To note:
Cousin and her family are still around in the same small city and they are not the best influence, visitation has been granted (by my mom) to the bio-mom and grandmother (i mean it's her niece, the grandmother is my mom's sister) it is not always supervised, it's a hard pickle. My mom and I are both in agreement to limit interactions with bio-mom+ as much as possible.
I just don't know.
#nokidsforme
ok first kids have all kinds of dreams. in fact none of my kids ever said they wanted to b e a doctor or a lawyer.
My oldest wanted to be Batman. Me, when I was younger I wanted to marry Marlon Jackson of the Jackson five.
Kids will be rebels at times so the talking back isn't that much of a deal as long as it's checked as you say. my kids use to "suck" the teeth and roll their eyes. drove me crazy.
I agree with the others, hurting animals is a red flag and needs to be addressed.
The thing is, she's not dreaming. She knows what she wants to do and it's a realistic goal.
Plus stylists can make a lot of money. My wife's stylist quit her job as a real estate agent because she could make more money working part time and could spend more time with her kids versus basically being on call 24/7 for her clients.
The OP is a great example of how not to handle someone who possibly has mental health issues.
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(don't take offense stylist) but kids usually have bigger dreams.
