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The typical 11 year-old does not get her entertainment from KILLING ANIMALS. Mental health professionals attest to violent adults often having a childhood history of animal abuse. Like others have posted, that is a red flag and requires professional help.
I am well aware of that fact thank you. She has not abused anything at all yet and I suggested that her saying this may have been a way to get a rise out of him and push boundaries. Your response would be accurate if she had actually tried to hurt an animal. I also stated that she did in fact need counseling to work through her issues, but thanks for your little input anyway.
Many years of work with families, and adopted children, has convinced me that we are largely an expression of our biological makeup. In other words, she is very likely to be like her biomom and biodad.
That being said, sounds like she's just a hormonal adolescent girl. Be KIND to her. Spend time with her, doing healthy activities together that might spark interests in her, or that maybe you two would just enjoy doing together. Leave the discipline to your mom - she sounds as if she's an experienced parent. You just be a great presence in the kid's life. For example, if you like skiing, take her skiing. If you like fishing, take her fishing. Take her to do the activities you like to do, maybe she will like them too, and you'll have something you both love to do together. Let her know you LIKE her a lot, in addition to loving her. Make her love and respect you, and then if you ever express mild disapproval of something, she'll stop doing it, because she wants to please you.
She's at an age. Hormones are starting to kick in (usually 12 for most kids). They become combative. It's normal. Seen it a million times. And, yes, it IS difficult to deal with. Most folks become sort of "neutral" and let it happen. Reacting too much can have bad consequences.
It is important to realize that at her age, things change from week to week. What she'd kill for this week, is totally meaningless a month from now. Bite your lip and go with the flow. Reminding her of something she did or said a month ago could embarrass her to death.
This stuff becomes a problem later on when the 16 year old is doing crazy stuff. That is a different story. That's when "bad egg" and stuff like that starts to have to be considered, and different tactics will be needed.
People in her stage of life are best left alone. She's busy "sorting things out." Best as you can (save some disaster-in-the-making) leave her alone.
Last edited by TwinbrookNine; 12-04-2019 at 12:04 PM..
I am well aware of that fact thank you. She has not abused anything at all yet and I suggested that her saying this may have been a way to get a rise out of him and push boundaries. Your response would be accurate if she had actually tried to hurt an animal. I also stated that she did in fact need counseling to work through her issues, but thanks for your little input anyway.
First of all, 11 year olds are COMPLETE a-holes. THat's just their nature. "Childlike effervescence"? Erm, you see that in toddlers. Tweens tend to be rather intense and fickle. Add to that she likely had a very neglectful start (I have memories that go back to 2 or 3, so that stuff isn't necessarily all in her past) and she's probably got everyone watching her to see if she's as screwed up as they fear and you've got a perfect cocktail for a screwed up kid.
And this stuff about feeding pigeons pennies is being blown WAY out of proportion unless she's demonstrated aggression to other children or animals. 11-year olds say A LOT of stupid stuff and can come up with some very depraved scenarios in their mind, and saying awful stuff just to freak out the adults is not at all beyond them. I remember yelling "I know what a blow job is!" at my mother when she refused to let me see a Rated R movie with the rest of my class.
As for the pearl clutching over being a stylist, good god, not every kid wants to be a physicist. My one cousin wanted to be a dog trainer and I wanted to be a mechanic. We both pull in six figures as adults doing ENTIRELY different things.
If you're really going to be a supportive sibling, you'll have a talk with your mother about taking her to a child psychologist or therapist to discuss her anxieties. She no doubt has some fears of abandonment and mixed feelings about how her life has turned out so far. She's got puberty coming up and she needs a solid foundation to get her safely through that.
I wouldn't dash someones dreams however sub par I may think they are. I'm all about empowering and motivating, hopefully so that she dreams bigger. This is just an outlet to vent my frustration / disappointment.
It's been 7/8 years since the adoption and we've exposed her to a better quality of life and experiences I mean and love and stability...
Kids are a lot of work.
Sure, I understand the need to vent. But what I sense is your judgement against her. That you feel your family has done SO MUCH for her but still she does not live up to YOUR ideal, so it (her situation- her growing up wrong) is bad.
Who she is becomes depends on how much support she truly has. To love her means to accept and care for HER. Not what her ambitions are. Those are her dreams, not yours and certainly not yours to look down on her.
Has she ever had counseling? Adopted age 2 or 3 means she experienced childhood trauma that affects her grately. Even when she does not know it. Especially she since she does not know it. Life experiences like hers cause emotional confusion that changes who she is, how she acts and feels.
I share this because I experienced childhood trauma from my parents. While it was not about adoption- I was unaware of how I was affected. I was unable to be the person I was meant to be (was shy/quiet instead of outgoing as my real personality is).
Help her find a counselor for your sister. Someone who has experience in childhood trauma. This would be a game changer for her.
I also hear your love for your sister. You're concerned and unsure (maybe) of how to help. Be patient with her AND yourself.
Want to share one more thought. My mom was always getting mad at me, telling me things that upset me. I realized she was loving me by wishing to change me for the better. If she could do that, she felt she had done what was needed. I was always upset, felt I was not acceptable. Shied away from her. Not until she let that go did I feel close to her.
This is what I hear in your posts. You want to love her by helping her change. Love your sister, not love who she could become. Hard? Oh yes. But you can do it. Listen when she talks. Example if she talks about being hairstylist, ask her why. Accept her answer, not use her answer to to lead to another career. Just listen, don't direct her to think different.
And as others have said, what she wants at 11 is not set for life.
Take care of YOU too. Blessings she has you to support her.
Most kids "decide" several times what they want to be when they grow up. When I was 5 I wanted to be a nurse, when I was 7 I wanted to be a viking. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do hair, it is an honorable profession that involves learning to work with people, chemistry and creativity, etc.
But the wanting to torture animals is a BAD sign. This is how serial killers start out. She needs help NOW!
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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I don't think your mom should've asked you to be involved in this at all. You're a brother, not a parent. Is the father in the picture? What about your dad?
Every child deserves to be in family where they are wanted. This girl was abandoned by her mother and her father, and it sounds like your mom took in her conditionally (so she wouldn't be in foster care, if you (a brother) help her, etc).
At 3 or 4, she left her birth mom, who still sees her, and now lives with another relative? Good grief, how confusing.
The pigeon comment, particularly without context and a frame of reference, is not that concerning to me. Kids say stuff. Sure I'd be watching her, but I'd also delve deeper and her ask her why she said it, if she wants to hurt animals or others, etc.
some good stylists make 6 figures and live an fabulous life....that's the least of your worries!
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