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Mom (or Dad), I love both you and Dad(or Mom) and it hurts me when you say bad things about each other.
You might also remind them that they once cared enough about the other to marry them. They picked each other, there must have been some reason for that.
The first part is great. The second could be inflammatory.
Agreed. I think they are too much alike. That may have brought them together but caused them to butt heads during their marriage, especially after I moved out. When I talk to either one of them, the conversation is 90% about them and their problems and nothing is/was ever their fault.
Jeez, you need to tell him not to talk about your mother or any of your relatives in a derogatory manner. He will continue until you shut him down. My dad did the same thing, but I know he talked about me in a derogatory manner to his last wife because of the way she acted. It was his way of ptiying himself that all his relatives were bad people (though he was the bad one).
That sounds like my dad. There isn't one relative that he hasn't criticized. He drives people away with his behavior and then complains when they don't come around.
He talks about my mom's family treated him after their divorce, as if he should have still been invited to the family gatherings. He fails to mention that he used to (and still does) criticize them. He'll even ask questions like what they ate for dinner or watched TV at their holiday gathering and then make fun of it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DesertRat56
And he was really rude. Once he came to visit me and I was working in the yard so he followed me around saying really rude things about his sisters until I stopped and told him "Old man get off my property, no one talks that way about my loved ones." (his own sisters!)
Sounds like my parents! My dad has talked smack about his siblings. My mom has done the same. I noticed this increased after my grandparents were gone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DesertRat56
Another time he showed up to my house uninvited on Thanksgiving day. I had friends over and he came in, sat down and started saying rude things about my mother (who he had divorced a decade before). I told him "Get out of my house now." He acted surprised that I would kick him out. He went and I didn't see him for a long time after that. Which was fine. No one needs that and you need to nip it in the bud or it will get worse.
That sounds like something my dad would do. Good for you for standing up to him.
If you don't speak up in the moment, when it is happening, nothing will change. There is nothing wrong with "making a scene" over that kind of behavior, and you can do it gracefully so that it isn't a scene, it is a rescue of the whole group who is hearing the inappropriate comments.
I'm not sure anyone else was listening as there was another conversation going on so I could have easily come across as a "jerk" in that situation. I would have been more inclined to say something if it was just us (my mom, brother, SIL). I will have to think about what I will say when this happens again so that I am better prepared.
I disagree, there is no reason to tell the mother the horrible things the father has said, no reason unless you want her to feel bad, which she probably already does, so you would be adding more pain unnessesarily. It isn't a problem the mother should address, it is a problem the OP should address.
I don't tell her that he asks these questions. Nor do I tell my dad when my mom asks questions about him.
My dad cannot figure out why my brother rarely calls or visits. It is now clear that the SIL is behind it. Part of me wanted to tell him that, so perhaps he would give my brother a break and stop badmouthing him. Then again....it would just add fuel to the fire and he'd likely accuse my mom of influencing SIL. If I mentioned the comments they made about him the other day, he'd hit the roof.
How do I do this without them thinking I'm singling them out and siding with the other party? Do I admit that this warning also goes out to the other party? (and basically admitting that the other party is behaving the same, which can add fuel to the fire)
Quote:
Originally Posted by SkyLark2019
Tell them to grow up.
Some people are addicted to being "The Grenade" at any get together.
Take that as you will.
In adulthood, you HAVE to close your door to some people.
I disagree, there is no reason to tell the mother the horrible things the father has said, no reason unless you want her to feel bad, which she probably already does, so you would be adding more pain unnessesarily. It isn't a problem the mother should address, it is a problem the OP should address.
I never suggested the OP should pass on what either parent might have said about the other. What I did suggest is that the OP make it clear that they don't want to be subjected to the badmouthing behavior one or both of them indulge in. Doing so does not include repeating the nasty comments themselves. If the parent who's getting a dressing down about their behavior asks what nasty things were said about them, be the adult. Put a stop to that sort of stuff by declining. Otherwise, you just become part of the problem instead of the solution. OP sounds too savvy to get sucked into that.
Last edited by Parnassia; 11-25-2023 at 04:54 PM..
[QUOTE=Navage8214;66109669]My parents divorced many years ago. To this day, they occasionally say disparaging things about each other in my presence.
Of course this is amplified during the holidays. My mom and brother's wife said some things about my dad that were just plain nasty. I kept my mouth shut in order to avoid making a scene.
I later went to my dad's house and he would ask questions about my mom's family and criticize them. I just gave him short or non-answers. That made him want to ask more questions and he even expressed frustration when I wouldn't engage saying something like "you don't need to be secretive, I was involved in that family before you was born" or something to that effect.
Is playing it cool the the best way to deal with this type of situation? Part of me wants to push back harder....maybe I should have called out my mom and SIL and said "that's a horrible thing to say" or tell my dad to cut it out with the nosy questions....but then I'd likely be accused by both of siding with the other parent. I don't think there's a clear cut good guy/bad guy here and none of them (including SIL) would ever admit to being wrong.
I think I was hoping that eventually they would get over it, but that doesn't appear to be happening anytime soon.[/quote]
NO! And you don’t have to be stuck in the middle nor make a huge scene. They start saying nasty things you just say well that’s my father or mother I’m 50% of and I love them and I don’t want to hear it. You say to the person saying hateful things that you love them and wouldn’t sit quietly and let anyone put them down and you don’t want to hear it and change the subject, get up and leave the table, the room and get a cup of coffee. You don’t just sit and listen to it.
Not about who is right or wrong, it’s about setting a boundary and not enabling bad mouthing people you care about or love.
There is nothing you can do about what other people say. And if you try, you will end up being the loser.
Let them say whatever they wish. After all, it is only their opinion. If it becomes too much for you, you have to leave. But you will not get away with folding your arms and demanding person A say only nice things about person B.
The value of letting people say what they wish allows you to see their true character. Sometimes people denigrate others in an attempt to elevate themselves; sometimes they do it in order to direct your thoughts. My advice is to simply listen and decide what they are trying to do. Then just log it in to your bank of knowledge and go about your business.
I think when one starts to talk about the other, say something like this (in italics below) and stick with it every time a discussion comes up. If you stick to your guns, eventually they'll learn that you won't take the bait.
Please stop. Let it go. I know you had a rough break-up, but that was years ago... water under the bridge.
I've said this to Mom/Dad, and now I'm saying it to you. I love you both and I refuse to take sides. Your questions and talking about Mom/Dad make me very uncomfortable, so please stop.
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I never suggested the OP should pass on what either parent might have said about the other. What I did suggest is that the OP make it clear that they don't want to be subjected to the badmouthing behavior one or both of them indulge in. Doing so does not include repeating the nasty comments themselves. If the parent who's getting a dressing down about their behavior asks what nasty things were said about them, be the adult. Put a stop to that sort of stuff by declining. Otherwise, you just become part of the problem instead of the solution. OP sounds too savvy to get sucked into that.
