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Status:
"Thirty-two Ragnars, Two Marathons"
(set 9 days ago)
320 posts, read 260,375 times
Reputation: 902
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HokieFan above gives excellent advice. You need to set a boundary and then stick to it.
"I'm excited to come see you for the holidays this year. Just so you know, the topic of (mom/dad) will be off the table for discussion. I'm looking forward to catching up on your recent retirement and sharing about my new job. If negative comments enter the conversation about mom/dad I will be leaving."
Be polite, kind, and firm.
Then. Follow. Through.
If they are talking trash it sounds like you don't want to be there anyways.
I highly recommend the "Book of Boundaries" by Melissa Urban.
I would pull mom aside and simply say "this is my father you are talking about and I love him very much. It is hurtful when you say these things in front of me, can you please stop doing that when I'm around?" If it continues I would say it at the dinner and did not care who heard it, she has been warned.
As for dad I'd have the same conversation. Say you don't really want to talk badly about that side of the family for the same reason.
My parents divorced many years ago. To this day, they occasionally say disparaging things about each other in my presence.
Of course this is amplified during the holidays. My mom and brother's wife said some things about my dad that were just plain nasty. I kept my mouth shut in order to avoid making a scene.
I later went to my dad's house and he would ask questions about my mom's family and criticize them. I just gave him short or non-answers. That made him want to ask more questions and he even expressed frustration when I wouldn't engage saying something like "you don't need to be secretive, I was involved in that family before you was born" or something to that effect.
Is playing it cool the the best way to deal with this type of situation? Part of me wants to push back harder....maybe I should have called out my mom and SIL and said "that's a horrible thing to say" or tell my dad to cut it out with the nosy questions....but then I'd likely be accused by both of siding with the other parent. I don't think there's a clear cut good guy/bad guy here and none of them (including SIL) would ever admit to being wrong.
I think I was hoping that eventually they would get over it, but that doesn't appear to be happening anytime soon.
My children refuse to discuss the situation. I'm quite certain that their father still makes disparaging remarks because that's how he is. Of course, I have no way of knowing how they handle it.
I would tell both sides to back off. Make sure each side knows that you've set boundaries on all parties.
He's been told this in dozens of posts in a long history of threads about this very topic. Op has been advised to seek therapy, develop a social life of some kind, form relationships with others, limit time spent with family, set strong boundaries, and the whole gamut.
I think what we have here is a long-entrenched, beaten-down, isolated codependent with no will left to change. He will be caring for his father, and probably his mother too. It's a sad situation.
My children refuse to discuss the situation. I'm quite certain that their father still makes disparaging remarks because that's how he is. Of course, I have no way of knowing how they handle it.
I would tell both sides to back off. Make sure each side knows that you've set boundaries on all parties.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HokieFan
Whatever method you use to communicate with them, reach out to them the day before the gathering and tell them you won't continue to be put in the middle.
In advance of your next visit with your dad, say to him - "I'm not taking her side but I don't want to hear any disparaging remarks about mom. If I do, I'm out." and make sure you follow through.
Thanks for the suggestions. That is where I was stuck. If I set boundaries then it looks like I'm siding with the other parent. I need to make it clear that these boundaries apply to everyone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HokieFan
[youtube]You don't have to make a scene. Quietly gather your things and walk out the door.
Set boundaries for yourself and hold to them.
You don't need to take on the responsibility of being the family mediator. All parties involved are adults and are responsible for their own relationships with one another.
That is true. It's a responsibility that I'm all too familiar with as I was groomed into that role as a kid.
Quote:
Originally Posted by pathrunner
If it's brought up, deflect "I don't know, Dad. You'll have to ask him." and then change the subject.
This is exactly how I usually handle it. In fact I told him something like that recently...."perhaps one day you can talk to him about it". He started yelling in response "I shouldn't have to....".
Quote:
Originally Posted by pathrunner
You are not obligated to care for your father.
True. I'll stop here since that's outside the scope of this thread and I don't want to open another can of worms.
HokieFan above gives excellent advice. You need to set a boundary and then stick to it.
"I'm excited to come see you for the holidays this year. Just so you know, the topic of (mom/dad) will be off the table for discussion. I'm looking forward to catching up on your recent retirement and sharing about my new job. If negative comments enter the conversation about mom/dad I will be leaving."
Be polite, kind, and firm.
Then. Follow. Through.
If they are talking trash it sounds like you don't want to be there anyways.
Should I approach both parents? I can definitely see approaching my dad since it seems like he brings them up every holiday. I'm kinda second guessing approaching my mom with this. While her and SIL's comments were harsh, they don't mention him at gatherings as often (at least in front of me). I could see this backfiring, especially if word gets to SIL, and they may be inclined to do it more. SIL seems to have some narcissistic traits herself. Maybe this is a situation where it's best to just forget about their comments unless they continue to do so?
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedSun25
I highly recommend the "Book of Boundaries" by Melissa Urban.
Op has been advised to seek therapy, develop a social life of some kind, form relationships with others, limit time spent with family, set strong boundaries, and the whole gamut.
I think what we have here is a long-entrenched, beaten-down, isolated codependent with no will left to change.
Change doesn't happen overnight. There's been some progress but I admit there is more work to do.
Beaten down? Yeah, at times. Funny you bring up isolation. I am in a support group and someone else brought that up. Others chimed in and that seems to be a common thing with recovery.
I think when one starts to talk about the other, say something like this (in italics below) and stick with it every time a discussion comes up. If you stick to your guns, eventually they'll learn that you won't take the bait.
Please stop. Let it go. I know you had a rough break-up, but that was years ago... water under the bridge.
I've said this to Mom/Dad, and now I'm saying it to you. I love you both and I refuse to take sides. Your questions and talking about Mom/Dad make me very uncomfortable, so please stop.
Asserting neutrality is a good idea.
It can help diffuse a situation.
One of my relatives is in her late 60s has never revealed her party registration nor who she votes for for any office.
She won't discuss it.
People gave up trying to find out decades ago.
She even dated high profile politicians, but some from each side of the aisle, so that didn't provide any clue.
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