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I think you should put your foot down and say no. When you're alone with each of them tell them you won't listen to or answer questions about the other. Their divorce isn't final until they get over it.
My parents, mom especially, would say nasty things about the other. I told them I won't listen any more. Dad respected that, no problem. When on the phone one time Mom started saying nasty things about dad. I hung up. One of only 3 times in my life I've hung up on someone not a telemarketer. She got the message.
There is nothing you can do about what other people say. And if you try, you will end up being the loser.
Let them say whatever they wish. After all, it is only their opinion. If it becomes too much for you, you have to leave. But you will not get away with folding your arms and demanding person A say only nice things about person B.
The value of letting people say what they wish allows you to see their true character. Sometimes people denigrate others in an attempt to elevate themselves; sometimes they do it in order to direct your thoughts. My advice is to simply listen and decide what they are trying to do. Then just log it in to your bank of knowledge and go about your business.
Bingo.
If it hurts too much to listen to them bad mouthing one another, get up and leave.
But to insist that your parents talk a certain way in order for you to feel better is somewhat south of silly.
As some of you have pointed out, if one parent badmouths the other, there's nothing I can do about that. Thanks for the reminder. To fire back and argue in front of others will make me look like the bad guy and could even draw comparisons to the other parent ("you're making a scene like your dad").
No matter what I say, my mom and SIL have their opinion of my dad and vice versa. There's nothing I can say or do to change it and there is no reason to be triangulated into this any further than I already am. All three parties have at least some narcissistic tendencies so if they think I'm bothered by it then that might encourage them to do it more, just to get a reaction, even if it's negative. I prefer not to engage.
OTOH....when I'm having a private conversation with my mom or dad, that is when I can put my foot down and tell them to stop or end the conversation, walk away, change the subject, etc. This is especially the case if they start asking questions about the other.
My dad tends to get upset when he sees me as too evasive when he asks these questions. He'll say "I was involved in that family for x # of years" or "I knew that family before you were born". The question might come across as "innocent" like "what did they have for dinner?" or "what were they watching on TV?" and if I answer then he follows up with some sort of criticism....every single time. There was a time when I was more open but if I give him anything at all then he uses that as an excuse to bash them. Same thing with my mom. There have been instances where she would ask if I'm going to my dad's and then I'm subjected to similar questioning. She'll ask what he cooked for the holiday dinner and poke fun at his cooking or whatever. It seems that I need to go from evasive to totally disengaged when this topic is brought up by either.
BTW I have no idea what the beef is between my SIL and dad. My dad claims that he has no idea, but of course he never does anything wrong. I know there were a couple of situations where he might have rubbed her the wrong way and maybe there are ill feelings as a result. Or perhaps my mom has influenced SIL enough to convince her that he is worse than he is.
I never got my brother or SIL's side of the story. In fact, I've never even addressed the situation with them or vice versa. Probably best to keep it that way? I very rarely see them outside of family gatherings unless I happen to run into them somewhere.
BTW I have no idea what the beef is between my SIL and dad. My dad claims that he has no idea, but of course he never does anything wrong. I know there were a couple of situations where he might have rubbed her the wrong way and maybe there are ill feelings as a result. Or perhaps my mom has influenced SIL enough to convince her that he is worse than he is.
I never got my brother or SIL's side of the story. In fact, I've never even addressed the situation with them or vice versa. Probably best to keep it that way? I very rarely see them outside of family gatherings unless I happen to run into them somewhere.
Sounds like something that doesn't deserve to take up any of YOUR headspace OP. Don't worry, you can find more than enough other c*&p to fill the void!
BTW I have no idea what the beef is between my SIL and dad. My dad claims that he has no idea, but of course he never does anything wrong. I know there were a couple of situations where he might have rubbed her the wrong way and maybe there are ill feelings as a result. Or perhaps my mom has influenced SIL enough to convince her that he is worse than he is.
I never got my brother or SIL's side of the story. In fact, I've never even addressed the situation with them or vice versa. Probably best to keep it that way? I very rarely see them outside of family gatherings unless I happen to run into them somewhere.
Your sister in law has realized that your parents are selfish, narcissistic, childish, toxic people with zero emotional intelligence and limited intellect. Of course she would want to put distance between herself/her partner and them. Any logical person would.
Sounds like something that doesn't deserve to take up any of YOUR headspace OP. Don't worry, you can find more than enough other c*&p to fill the void!
True!
The only reason I am reminded of it is that my dad complains to me about them.
Here's an example:
Me: There's nothing I can do. Hopefully someday you can talk to him (brother) about it.
Dad: I shouldn't have to.... (blah, blah). I visited my parents and grandparents often.
I suppose he's looking for me to badmouth them, or say something to them on his behalf. It's not my place to say anything derogatory or get involved.
Last edited by Navage8214; 11-27-2023 at 09:45 AM..
Your sister in law has realized that your parents are selfish, narcissistic, childish, toxic people with zero emotional intelligence and limited intellect. Of course she would want to put distance between herself/her partner and them. Any logical person would.
She does talk to my mom and they seem to get along. Perhaps they don't get along as well as I think.
Honestly I'm not sure SIL is any less selfish, narcissistic, childish, etc. I have noticed that narcs in general tend to not get along with each other....at all.
Whatever method you use to communicate with them, reach out to them the day before the gathering and tell them you won't continue to be put in the middle.
In advance of your next visit with your mom, say to her - "I'm not taking his side but I don't want to hear any disparaging remarks about dad. If I do, I'm out." and make sure you follow through.
In advance of your next visit with your dad, say to him - "I'm not taking her side but I don't want to hear any disparaging remarks about mom. If I do, I'm out." and make sure you follow through.
You don't have to make a scene. Quietly gather your things and walk out the door.
Set boundaries for yourself and hold to them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Navage8214
My dad cannot figure out why my brother rarely calls or visits. It is now clear that the SIL is behind it. Part of me wanted to tell him that, so perhaps he would give my brother a break and stop badmouthing him. Then again....it would just add fuel to the fire and he'd likely accuse my mom of influencing SIL. If I mentioned the comments they made about him the other day, he'd hit the roof.
You don't need to take on the responsibility of being the family mediator. All parties involved are adults and are responsible for their own relationships with one another. If it's brought up, deflect "I don't know, Dad. You'll have to ask him." and then change the subject.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Navage8214
My concern is if he's in a position down the line where he needs elder care and they're not willing to assist then then it falls on me.
I'm not sure anyone else was listening as there was another conversation going on so I could have easily come across as a "jerk" in that situation. I would have been more inclined to say something if it was just us (my mom, brother, SIL). I will have to think about what I will say when this happens again so that I am better prepared.
oh, right, you don't want to come across as a jerk. Someone probably did hear him, and I didn't say you had to shout, you can keep your voice calm when letting him know that he should not derogatorily to you about people you love.
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