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My parents divorced many years ago. To this day, they occasionally say disparaging things about each other in my presence.
Of course this is amplified during the holidays. My mom and brother's wife said some things about my dad that were just plain nasty. I kept my mouth shut in order to avoid making a scene.
I later went to my dad's house and he would ask questions about my mom's family and criticize them. I just gave him short or non-answers. That made him want to ask more questions and he even expressed frustration when I wouldn't engage saying something like "you don't need to be secretive, I was involved in that family before you was born" or something to that effect.
Is playing it cool the the best way to deal with this type of situation? Part of me wants to push back harder....maybe I should have called out my mom and SIL and said "that's a horrible thing to say" or tell my dad to cut it out with the nosy questions....but then I'd likely be accused by both of siding with the other parent. I don't think there's a clear cut good guy/bad guy here and none of them (including SIL) would ever admit to being wrong.
I think I was hoping that eventually they would get over it, but that doesn't appear to be happening anytime soon.
Your silence tells them that what they are saying is okay with you.
Speak up, with all involved.
And leave if they can't behave.
I've been "gray rocking" and taking the "high road", thinking that was the way to go, but the badmouthing continues.
I think I would have been more inclined to say something to my mom and SIL if others weren't around. The gathering was held at another relative's house and I didn't want to create a scene in that situation.
I wonder if I should bring it up to my mom the next time we speak. The comments were really nasty. I don't think they even knew I was listening as there was another conversation at the table, but I heard it, and felt uneasy for several minutes afterwards. I lost some respect for my mom and all respect for my SIL.
Or maybe it's better to wait until the next time it happens and be prepared to say something. She doesn't like to be told what to do and neither does my father.
I've been "gray rocking" and taking the "high road", thinking that was the way to go, but the badmouthing continues.
I think I would have been more inclined to say something to my mom and SIL if others weren't around. The gathering was held at another relative's house and I didn't want to create a scene in that situation.
That was the right call IMHO. IME its usually best to deliver potentially uncomfortable messages like that privately and face to face. People who are put on the spot in public tend to lash out at everyone indiscriminately fairly easily. Upsetting melodrama the other people in the room don't deserve. I'd also suggest getting your thoughts in order ahead of time (notes or a letter never sent) and do a bit of rehearsing. Someone who's being taken to task about their behavior will get defensive and try to deflect. You don't want your message to get sidetracked or dissolve into trading insults. That doesn't help anyone.
There are ways to keep such messages about a person's conduct constructive. I've found it very useful to avoid making a direct accusation (You always do such and such). Instead, phrase it like: "When you do/say such and such, it makes me or others feel.....". Some other useful techniques:
IMHO, grayrocking works better if YOU are on the receiving end of the behavior. If you're just a witness not so much. The person misbehaving isn't focused on you and may not notice.
Last edited by Parnassia; 11-24-2023 at 04:21 PM..
That was the right call IMHO. IME its usually best to deliver potentially uncomfortable messages like that privately and face to face. People who are put on the spot in public tend to lash out at everyone indiscriminately fairly easily.
Yeah, there would have been nothing good to come out of that situation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia
Upsetting melodrama the other people in the room don't deserve. I'd also suggest getting your thoughts in order ahead of time (notes or a letter never sent) and do a bit of rehearsing. Someone who's being taken to task about their behavior will get defensive and try to deflect. You don't want your message to get sidetracked or dissolve into trading insults. That doesn't help anyone.
There are ways to keep such messages about a person's conduct constructive. I've found it very useful to avoid making a direct accusation (You always do such and such). Instead, phrase it like: "When you do/say such and such, it makes me or others feel.....". Some other useful techniques:
Thanks for the link. I could see both parents getting defensive if I'm not careful with this. Neither one of them takes criticism well....at all, even though they do not hesitate to dish out criticism. I think my mom's knee jerk reaction would be that I'm siding with my dad (and vice versa). They have their opinions and are never wrong. It's worth a try though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia
IMHO, grayrocking works better if YOU are on the receiving end of the behavior. If you're just a witness not so much. The person misbehaving isn't focused on you and may not notice.
That is true. They did not seem to be aware I was listening as there was another conversation at the table at the same time.
Mom (or Dad), I love both you and Dad(or Mom) and it hurts me when you say bad things about each other.
You might also remind them that they once cared enough about the other to marry them. They picked each other, there must have been some reason for that.
Mom (or Dad), I love both you and Dad(or Mom) and it hurts me when you say bad things about each other.
You might also remind them that they once cared enough about the other to marry them. They picked each other, there must have been some reason for that.
The first part is great. The second could be inflammatory.
My parents divorced many years ago. To this day, they occasionally say disparaging things about each other in my presence.
Of course this is amplified during the holidays. My mom and brother's wife said some things about my dad that were just plain nasty. I kept my mouth shut in order to avoid making a scene.
I later went to my dad's house and he would ask questions about my mom's family and criticize them. I just gave him short or non-answers. That made him want to ask more questions and he even expressed frustration when I wouldn't engage saying something like "you don't need to be secretive, I was involved in that family before you was born" or something to that effect.
Is playing it cool the the best way to deal with this type of situation? Part of me wants to push back harder....maybe I should have called out my mom and SIL and said "that's a horrible thing to say" or tell my dad to cut it out with the nosy questions....but then I'd likely be accused by both of siding with the other parent. I don't think there's a clear cut good guy/bad guy here and none of them (including SIL) would ever admit to being wrong.
I think I was hoping that eventually they would get over it, but that doesn't appear to be happening anytime soon.
Jeez, you need to tell him not to talk about your mother or any of your relatives in a derogatory manner. He will continue until you shut him down. My dad did the same thing, but I know he talked about me in a derogatory manner to his last wife because of the way she acted. It was his way of ptiying himself that all his relatives were bad people (though he was the bad one).
And he was really rude. Once he came to visit me and I was working in the yard so he followed me around saying really rude things about his sisters until I stopped and told him "Old man get off my property, no one talks that way about my loved ones." (his own sisters!)
Another time he showed up to my house uninvited on Thanksgiving day. I had friends over and he came in, sat down and started saying rude things about my mother (who he had divorced a decade before). I told him "Get out of my house now." He acted surprised that I would kick him out. He went and I didn't see him for a long time after that. Which was fine. No one needs that and you need to nip it in the bud or it will get worse.
I've been "gray rocking" and taking the "high road", thinking that was the way to go, but the badmouthing continues.
I think I would have been more inclined to say something to my mom and SIL if others weren't around. The gathering was held at another relative's house and I didn't want to create a scene in that situation.
I wonder if I should bring it up to my mom the next time we speak. The comments were really nasty. I don't think they even knew I was listening as there was another conversation at the table, but I heard it, and felt uneasy for several minutes afterwards. I lost some respect for my mom and all respect for my SIL.
Or maybe it's better to wait until the next time it happens and be prepared to say something. She doesn't like to be told what to do and neither does my father.
If you don't speak up in the moment, when it is happening, nothing will change. There is nothing wrong with "making a scene" over that kind of behavior, and you can do it gracefully so that it isn't a scene, it is a rescue of the whole group who is hearing the inappropriate comments.
That was the right call IMHO. IME its usually best to deliver potentially uncomfortable messages like that privately and face to face. People who are put on the spot in public tend to lash out at everyone indiscriminately fairly easily. Upsetting melodrama the other people in the room don't deserve. I'd also suggest getting your thoughts in order ahead of time (notes or a letter never sent) and do a bit of rehearsing. Someone who's being taken to task about their behavior will get defensive and try to deflect. You don't want your message to get sidetracked or dissolve into trading insults. That doesn't help anyone.
There are ways to keep such messages about a person's conduct constructive. I've found it very useful to avoid making a direct accusation (You always do such and such). Instead, phrase it like: "When you do/say such and such, it makes me or others feel.....". Some other useful techniques:
IMHO, grayrocking works better if YOU are on the receiving end of the behavior. If you're just a witness not so much. The person misbehaving isn't focused on you and may not notice.
I disagree, there is no reason to tell the mother the horrible things the father has said, no reason unless you want her to feel bad, which she probably already does, so you would be adding more pain unnessesarily. It isn't a problem the mother should address, it is a problem the OP should address.
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