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I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
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Aspire to inspire before you expire.
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( I LOVE THIS ONE! ) My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
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Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
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Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
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The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
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God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
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I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
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Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
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The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take G-d out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Location: Lots of sun and palm trees with occasional hurricane :)
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One day a father gets off work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the salesperson, "How much for one of those Barbie 's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers,
"Which one do you mean, sir? We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95"
The amazed father asks: "You what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: Sir...,"Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken 's Car, Ken 's House, Ken 's Boat, Ken 's Furniture, Ken 's Computer and...One of Ken 's Friends.
Anyone who is from or formerly from Michigan - these are so true!
Jeff Foxworthy's view of Michigan:
Are you aware that this guy is now picking on Michigan?
Read on. (pretty funny and accurate)
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan.
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Michigan.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan .
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan .
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Michigan .
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Michigan .
If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Michigan .
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan .
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan
Part 2 - You know you're a true MICHIGANIAN when.............
1. "Vacation" means going up north on I- 75.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means Ohio
16. A brat is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.
18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
22. You drink pop and bake with soda.
23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.
24. You know what a Yooper is.
25. You think owning a Honda is Un American.
26. You know that UP is a place, not a direction
27. You know it's possible to live in a thumb.
28. You understand that when visiting Detroit , the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.
29. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Michigan friends.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists--two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and calmly said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a
severe storm.
The turbulence is awful and things go from bad to
worse, when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she
stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells,
"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane
who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has
forgotten his or her own peril. They all stare,
riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Texas stands up in the rear
of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with
dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning
his shirt.
He said...I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear pants don't you?
He said...Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said...That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said...What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room..."My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it... "I do not"
Q.How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A.Both of them.
Q.How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A.He buys two cases of beer.
Q.What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A.The bonds mature.
Q.Why are blonde jokes so short?
A.So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A.We don't know; it has never happened.
Q.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q.Why are married women heavier than single women?
A.Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A.They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
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Any other Michigan People?
