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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,.............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,445 posts, read 25,978,821 times
Reputation: 59788
Cheap HMO's
Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."
Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace."
You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
Exam room has a tip jar.
You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
"Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
"Take two leeches and call me in the morning."
The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
"Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park,"
Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."
Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, you sissy."
To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
Recycled bandages.
You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,.............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!
When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,445 posts, read 25,978,821 times
Reputation: 59788
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you 30¢?
Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2012:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to
where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
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When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
