Joke & Humor Thread Official (license, to buy, phone, stealing)
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One day, while visiting the modern art museum, a woman turned to an attendant who was standing nearby. "This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those absolutely hideous representations you people call modern art?" "No, madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."
A Police officer approached a motorist stopped in the middle of the road before the river overpass holding up traffic. The officer noticed the driver jotting on a notebook frantically. He asked the driver, what in the world are you doing? The driver replied, "The sign says Draw Bridge".
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed.
"Lissin'a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38-caliber revolver, so you will always remember me."
The grandson smiles weakly and replies, "But grandpa, I really donna lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your ROLEX watch instead?"
Gasping for air the old man answers with a snarl in his voice, "Shuddup ana lissin. Somma day, you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambinos." After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues, "Somma day, you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do, pointa to your watch and say 'Times up?'"
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caresses, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
Okay, so a Texan rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine. The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, "Say, how much land you think you got here?" Mainer: 'Bout 10 acres I'd say." Texan (boasting): Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!" Mainer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too."
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