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At 85 years of age, Wally married Anna, a lovely 25-year-old.
Since her new husband is so old, Anna decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Anna prepares herself for bed and shortly after hears the expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85-year-old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Anna hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Wally. Again he is ready for more “action”. Somewhat surprised, Anna consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but — aha you guessed it — Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more “action”. And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.”
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anna and says, “You mean I was here already?”
A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball.”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man,” the partner says. “You’ll never hit her from here.”
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
[SIZE=2][SIZE=3]FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.
[/SIZE] Test 1 Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children:-
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the
counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly
to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2 Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance
levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest
ways in which they mi! ght improve their child's sleeping habits,
toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have
all the answers.
Test 3 Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or
some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to
sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for ! 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]
Test 4 Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.
Test 5 Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6 Going For a Walk
Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece
of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7 Communication
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8 Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your
sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.
Test 9 Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into
the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
floor.
Test 10 TV[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.
Test 11 Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean
walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/ storage box in your house onto the
floor & leave it there.
Test 12 Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important
Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere yo! u go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13 Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt
sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is
a child in the room.
Test 14 Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work
[SIZE=3]You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!! [/SIZE][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][SIZE=3]FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.
[/SIZE] Test 1 Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children:-
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the
counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly
to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2 Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance
levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest
ways in which they mi! ght improve their child's sleeping habits,
toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have
all the answers.
Test 3 Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or
some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to
sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for ! 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]
Test 4 Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.
Test 5 Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6 Going For a Walk
Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece
of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7 Communication
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8 Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your
sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.
Test 9 Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into
the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
floor.
Test 10 TV[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.
Test 11 Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean
walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/ storage box in your house onto the
floor & leave it there.
Test 12 Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important
Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere yo! u go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13 Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt
sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is
a child in the room.
Test 14 Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work
[SIZE=3]You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!! [/SIZE][/SIZE]
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks
to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'
Once again the! woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few
minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This
time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she ****s on you!'
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, 'Say, father, what causes arthritis?'
'Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.'
'Well I'll be.' the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
'I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
]::: BREAKING NEWS ::: In 2009 the government will start killing all the mentally ill people. I started crying when I thought of you Run, little buddy run http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f3000084%5fAEcxvs4AADdESRs0NwLV3XI LSJw&pid=3&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (broken link)[ MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up .It doesn't matter which number you press,nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss , press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss,
press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.You'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. (Well, my job is done . Your turn!
[]http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f3000084%5fAEcxvs4AADdESRs0NwLV3XI LSJw&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (broken link)[/ [
Last edited by ana_901; 11-12-2008 at 02:41 PM..
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A perfect shot
