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Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.'
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs?'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, and then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!
Football FINALLY makes sense..........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
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It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree, & replies, 'It is
Neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'
Now wipe that smile off your face. And pass it on!
This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No Report
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
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A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting so he approached his assistant
A doctor in Minnesota
Ole,
I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.' 'I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'
'Yes, sir'
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:
'So, Ole,how was ur day?'
Ole told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
Bravo, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,'
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!'
'Tunderin Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden…….
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I is sure of eet.”
“Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.”
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon… every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
“Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. “Eees a bacon tree.”
“Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon… ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree”.
And with that… Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
“Pepe… go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree.”
“Luis Luis mi amigo… what ees it?
“Pepe… ees not a bacon tree…
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Eees a Ham Bush.
I have one: Two friends were walking and chatting when suddenly one of them asked saying"who was that lady with you last night" the other jumped saying " that was no lady, that was my wife!!
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida and sees a
card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he asks the clerk 'Can you give me some more details?'
The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies
ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear,
lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving
foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that
they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary
of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's
about 620 miles from here.'
'Oh, is that where the job is?'
'No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now.
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,554 posts, read 26,111,018 times
Reputation: 60010
When a panel of doctors was asked their opinion on the proposed Universal
> Health Care program, here's what they had to say:
>
>
> The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to
> make any rash moves.
>
> The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
> Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
> Obstetricians
> felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
>
> The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists
> yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
>
> The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could
> see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the
> whole thing.
>
> The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic
> Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
>
> The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the
> scheme wouldn't hold water.
>
> The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
> Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
>
> In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to a bunch of *******s
> in Washington .
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Passing the test
