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Even with my teens I am respectful of their space. I knock on doors. If I need to go into their things I let them know in advance....However, I would balk at being told that I am not "allowed" into a particular part of my house. I do think that respect is a two way street. I expect respect from my kids and I respect them.
Although I would not bust into my adult child's room and poke around in her personal belongings I would bristle at being told that I am not "allowed" in there. It sounds like something a 12 year old would try.....
Or something someone with something they're trying to hide would say.
It would make me wonder too much what it was they had in there that no one can know about - gun? drugs? alcohol? items they're fencing?
My kids know the rules of the home - and they know that in my house some things are forbidden so they'd almost be asking me to go look at what they were trying to hide if they told me I had best better say out of a particular room. That doesn't fly too well with me.
However - when they get their own place, I would definitely not snoop around.
Is it your house? Are you paying rent? Are you contributing financially to the upkeep? Have you invested in the property? Has she quit-claimed the deed over to you? Are you legally responsible for your bedroom, in the event of an accident?
No?
Then it's not your room, and you don't have the right to say who can and cannot go into it.
Actually I can tell my brother...he for sure isn't allowed into my room.
Like I said....its not like I have drugs, bombs, guns and dead male prostitutes laying on my floor.
It's clothes that I have no place for.
Trust me, in the apartment I had everything organized by size, color, season, shape you name it....my closet was my pride and joy.
She has no reason to come in here and meddle and move things.
As for hiding stuff. I am not hiding anything illegal, I already said what I was hiding. I don't have to speak to her about my sex life nor do I want to.
If she can snooping through my room then I would be pretty pissed. She has nothing to look for and nor should she when I am 20.
Get something straight, missy. What goes on in HER house, is HER business. Your room is in her house. You are in her house. If you are having sex in her house, then yeah, it's her business. Anything you do in her house is her business.
UNLESS AND UNTIL you start paying rent and create an agreement with your mom that in exchange for payment, certain things (like your room) will be considered your private property for as long as you are paying.
You have no gurantee of privacy as long as you are in her house. Furthermore, if your mom orders your brother to go into your room and paint the walls brown, there's nothing you can do to stop it. She has the right to do that. Also, now that you are over 18, she also has the right to evict you and have your brother go into your room and pull everything you own out, and place it in storage.
You need to:
1. Show more gratitude that your mother isn't doing any of the things she CAN do if she wants to, since it's HER house and not yours.
or
2. Stop complaining about how upset you are that you can't get your way.
You're a grown adult. Behave like one, or be treated like a child.
The fact is, that room is in my house and unless you are paying rent on it, I have every right to go in there. Even if they were paying rent I believe I would have the right to walk in there. Snooping through their things, taking things or otherwise messing with their things, no... but do not tell me that I am not allowed in there.
If a grown adult offspring is paying rent for a room in your house, YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO ENTER WITHOUT PERMISSION.
If you enter without the intent of snooping or messing with their things, what reason would you have to enter a bedroom of a grown adult? NONE.
Be as self righteous as you want to be, but you have no business entering the rented room of an adult unless it was an honest to goodness emergency.
If a grown adult offspring is paying rent for a room in your house, YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO ENTER WITHOUT PERMISSION.
If you enter without the intent of snooping or messing with their things, what reason would you have to enter a bedroom of a grown adult? NONE.
Be as self righteous as you want to be, but you have no business entering the rented room of an adult unless it was an honest to goodness emergency.
i cannot help but see the control exhibited by the "its my house i'll go where i want" crowd.
the thing is they make good parents because they know whats going on in their house, and they can teach young children how to act properly before anything they do becomes a problem. That helps set up a good support system that shapes good children.
But when these attitudes spill over to adult children who are doing things that parents disagree with but don't negatively affect them as a person, thats when it becomes an overbearing and un-needed problem.
example: mother hates for her son to wear black. son grows up never wearing black clothing. son turns 18 and dons black jeans and a tshirt. mom goes crazy and takes the door of the hinges...thats wrong. it drives children away by being overbearing in the first place. but once the young child becomes an adult child, parents should not be treating them like they cannot make desicions on their own.
on the other hand. if the parent is fine with son wearing black, son starts wearing make up, son starts worshiping satan. the parent should have been alert at the black clothing stage, and kept an eye on the progression. if it lead to makeup, try to find the real problem. he may be a satan worshiper or he may be gay...either way it should be taught about and if needs be prevented through discipline. if the son is a satan worshiper, door's comin' off the hinges.
but children should be innocent until proven guilty if only for the fact that they should be allowed to keep secrets. keeping secrets allows a child to be more honest in other dealings. bust a child for hiding something that didn't negatively affect them, and you have lost their trust.
i cannot help but see the control exhibited by the "its my house i'll go where i want" crowd.
I guess I don't see myself as a control freak, but I do bristle at being told by a FAMILY MEMBER that I would not be "allowed" to enter their bedroom. We are talking about FAMILY, not strangers. When family lives together in one home there should be mutual respect. I don't believe in going through my kids private stuff, but I also don't think they can tell whether I can enter their room at all.
When a parent allows an adult child to live at home the rules do need to reflect the fact that the child is now an adult. Rules should reflect common courtesy not parental control. If the child wants to stay out late she should let the other adults know as a matter of courtesy to them, however, she should not have to ask permission. However, if the adult child wants NO RULES AT ALL then they need to leave and get their own place. All the adults should agree on the rules. If they can't then they need to live separately.
If an adult feels so much animosity towards a family member that they don't want to "allow" that person to even enter the room then it's time for that person to move out, not place restrictions on the person who is paying the bills. We are talking about living with family, NOT a roommate.
If a grown adult offspring is paying rent for a room in your house, YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO ENTER WITHOUT PERMISSION.
If you enter without the intent of snooping or messing with their things, what reason would you have to enter a bedroom of a grown adult? NONE.
Be as self righteous as you want to be, but you have no business entering the rented room of an adult unless it was an honest to goodness emergency.
Unless otherwise stated in a written lease, adult children are paying rent to live in the house not to rent a specific room. So no they have no legal right to keep their room off limits to anyone else in the household.
I will agree with mommabear, that if there is ever a need to have this discussion with my kids it is probably time they are asked to move out.
I don't foresee this happening in the future since my kids learned early that this is my house and as long as they give me the same kind of respect that I give them and are not doing anything illegal, dangerous or otherwise then they enjoy the use of their rooms with all the privacy they want.
I don't get this idea that a teens room is somehow off limits to their parents. It was never the case when I was growing up. Its not the case now. Why should a teen be able to somehow stop their parent from coming into their room? In fact parents should be in the teens room often. At least talking to the teen. Teens should not be allowed to somehow withdraw and not be a part of the family.
This idea of privacy. What so they can get up to no good or develop bad habits. A parents role is to supervise. In our house, no childrens doors are ever closed for any reason ever. Parents can wander in whever they like.
In our house, no childrens doors are ever closed for any reason ever. Parents can wander in whever they like.
There are certain things I just don't need to see. KWIM? I have teen boys......Occasional closed doors are ok for me.
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