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OP - kinda had a similar situation with a cousin who was doing bad at school and at home. He came and stayed with me for a month and a half and I put the rules down and there were some bumps in the road but he listened and respected my authority and now is back with his mom and she has since implemted some of the same rules and they are doing good. While I understand that this may not be an option but maybe take on the big brother approach show him diffrent, responsible, legal activies and how much fun it can be such as baseball game/community work/a night out with the guys just having clean fun. Gain his trust and confidence and maybe he would be able to come to you and talk things out instead of acting out in school/home.
but how can I gain his trust in a matter of a week?
Would it be wise to ask his parents if it's ok for him to be taken out of school for a day to hang out and do some activities with his older cousin?
There is one person that he and I both love and care for and that's my aunt (the 13yr old's grandma). She knows where I come from and what background I've gone through and I've been told what the kids going through.
My cousin's wife told me that if you do talk to him he might listen to you or be like meh whatever.
A friend of mine said that if I show that I do care about him that he might think that I'm someone to be taken advantage of because I know what he's going through.
It would be nice if the 13yr old would stay with me but another friend of mine said because you are twice his age that you can't handle a teenager. Even the courts don't consider cousins immediate family who can take care of them should something happen if he's sent away.
Update: 30 days and counting until I go and visit them. I already booked my airline tickets so I'm good to go for that.
Update on the teen: he has a myspace page and his settings are on very high that I can't even message him (mail or IM) without knowing his email address and he forgot it so I'll have to fix it when I get down there. Good thing about myspace is that I can see everything he writes when he updates his status and mood. Downside is that he's posting things that he shouldn't be posting for the world to see. Certain things that he is posting I'm ignoring them as it's "puppy love" but other issues like I've mentioned in other threads it's more of something that he shouldn't be posting.
He resumed school on Monday last week and has already been suspended for a day for calling one of the bigwigs a #$^&. Guess it's going to be one of those years already. Hopefully my aunt will have a serious talk about his behavior in school over the weekend as he's not allowed to go on a week vacation with his family due to him being on the ankle monitor but is allowed to stay at grandma's a few houses down the street. He is on the monitor for one month so by the time I arrive in 30 days he'll hopefully be off of it.
With the parents permission I hope I can pick him up from school everyday while I am down there so I can have a talk with him about certain topics/things that I've heard that we need to talk about (cussing, huffing, posting things on the internet that can backfire on you, staying up until the wee hours in the morning, etc.).
I can see things in him that he does that I used to do as well when I was his age but I've learned from it. I also will be talking to him and explaining some things that I've witnessed growing up and knowing the results from the consequences of their actions.
If something should happen while I am down there and they kick the teen out of the house (god forbid) I'll go out as well and hightail it to a nearby hotel for the night so things can cool down.
New Issue: his 6yr old brother has already cussed at grandma and still has NOT apologized for it as it's been a few weeks since he said that to her and he's promised me that he will apologize to her. I am giving him until I come down to apologize to her otherwise the moment I arrive if he hasn't apologized then we'll go and get it over with.
Wonder how I would approach talking to both of the kids about when it's ok to swear/cuss and when it's not ok to do so. I know that kids my age cuss all the time but not in the way that the kids are doing it. I mean when I cuss I use an alternative word and not the actual swear word to prevent me from cussing in front of kids. The only time I cuss is when I am poed or I've done something stupid.
Nope, nothing new to add, only what I said before. You are in over your head. You don't have a relationship with him now, he has no reason to trust or listen to you. He's from a dysfunctional home and has been in trouble for years. You think a week of visiting and picking him up from school to have a 'talk' on the way home is going to make a difference.
This family needs professional counseling and therapy. Focus your good intentions and efforts on getting them the help and support they need instead of thinking you can swoop in for a week and make any difference whatsoever.
Update: teen has also been suspended multiple times this time for ditching classes and he has called his teachers "dumb, stupid, etc."
Update: teen had court today and the judge said the following:
72hrs in juvie (went in today comes out on Sunday)
30hrs community service (wish it were more than that)
1yr probation
no ankle monitor
sigh and I'm down to visit them in 17 days no less. Makes you wonder what will happen when I arrive down there. Perhaps they will change or perhaps not.
Nothing is new with the teen other than I was able to send him a message via myspace and he did read it but not responded to it which is a good sign to me.
I am looking forward to spending a week down by them and hope I can try and see what I can do to change the family for the better good. Otherwise it's going to mean that I won't have family that will care about me should something happen.
Nothing is new with the teen other than I was able to send him a message via myspace and he did read it but not responded to it which is a good sign to me.
I am looking forward to spending a week down by them and hope I can try and see what I can do to change the family for the better good. Otherwise it's going to mean that I won't have family that will care about me should something happen.
What? If I'm reading this right it further confirms that you are not only in over your head but your motivations are completely wrong. This isn't supposed to be about you or what you need or what you want.
I agree with NCYank.. your in it for all the wrong reasons .. nice you want to "save" him from himself but untill he wants saved it just wont happen ..
YOUR gonna try and do it in a weeklong visit? .. trust me you cant .. I have seen this "I'm the big kid" stuff befor and know what happens .. the little kid at age 13 will not give a ratzazz what your trying to do ..
What you can to is be a postive role model and to keep the door open but change takes time .. your not his parent and you cant fix them either .. the kid needs his dad to pay attation to him, he wants his dad to spend time and effort with him .. and to him its easier to get bad attation in hopes dad will spend time with him rather than letting you ..
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@ Hopes.. your in a prickly mood arent ya? Its not that I feel like the kid should be ingored but trying to explain the facts of life to a young guy who expects to make a diffrence in a week long visit.. it doesnt happen .. I comend the older cosuin for wanting to help but facts are ..
1 its not his place ( thats what parents are for and knocking some sense into the younger kid isnt gonna fix it in that home )
and
2 the reality is a week isnt gonna do it to do the "big brother act"
I wish him luck but heres what will happen more than likely .. the visit will be a non fix and by time the older one leaves he will be on the outs with the 13 yr old and the kids parents for over stepping his boundrys .. wanting to help and asked to help are two diffrent things ..
Good Luck DHammer .. I'm sure your gonna need it ..
Gain his trust and confidence and maybe he would be able to come to you and talk things out instead of acting out in school/home.
A friend of mine works as a juvenile probation officer. She was telling me about all the horror stories she sees day in and day out. Once I stopped her in the middle of it and asked. Of the kids you see how many have a good father in the home. She didn’t even need to think about it. She had one. Kids especially boys need both a mom and a dad.
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activies and how much fun it can be such as baseball game/community work/a night out with the guys just having clean fun. Gain his trust and confidence and maybe he would be able to come to you and talk things out instead of acting out in school/home.
