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I carried her 14 hours a day and got done what I could. The other 10, when she slept and didn't need to be held, I got things done. It isn't rocket science.
MOST of the time, the fussiness comes from the anxiety of the mother, and the habits mothers form their children to. Babies don't need to be held all the time. Babies don't need to be entertained all the time. It's ridiculous to think that a baby needs to be handled all the time he/she is awake. They don't. Put something shiny in front of them and they can entertain themselves and be happy for huge stretches of time; even newborns.
If real needs are taken care of, there is nothing wrong with a baby fussing. That doesn't mean the mother has to be doing nothing during that time except entertaining. That's just plain silly.
Not all babies have colic. Most babies are fussy because the mother encourages it.
First point - if you were carrying her 14 hours a day, the other 10 would have to include sleeping and we don't get housework done when we are sleeping.
Second point, while babies don't need to be entertained all the time, the best way to take care of babies *is* to hold them and go about your business. This is not easy for western parents, especially parents who work, but...
First point - if you were carrying her 14 hours a day, the other 10 would have to include sleeping and we don't get housework done when we are sleeping.
Second point, while babies don't need to be entertained all the time, the best way to take care of babies *is* to hold them and go about your business. This is not easy for western parents, especially parents who work, but...
In countries where babywearing and breastfeeding are the norm, colic is virtually unheard of.
(And I didn't babywear or breastfeed)
I wore my baby and breastfed her on demand. She still cried a lot but not nearly as much as she would have otherwise. She wanted to be held upright, facing out so she could see everything and moving. Wearing her made life a lot easier on both of us and helped me be able to get things done around the house during the day.
I WISH I had known the benefits of BFing and babywearing with my first son. I was raised with many of the same attitudes as No Excuses displays. I also read that other countries have lower incidences of Post Partum Depression/Psychosis because it's not expected that a new mother do everything - take care of the baby, do the housework, make dinner, etc and so on and so forth. She is only expected to take care of the child for the first 6-8 weeks whilst other members of the family help out with things.
I tried both BFing and babywearing. I had a hard time with both. I never got the hang of bfing with either one of my kids. I tried pumping but that had to be done while the baby was sleeping which meant missing out on what little rest I had been getting. I eventually opted to formula feed both.
Neither one of my kids liked babywearing, I'd put them in a sling or one of those baby bjorns, and within 5 minutes they'd be fussing. And by the time they were 3 or 4 months old they had grown so much that it hurt my back to carry them around like that.
Both wanted to be held a lot. So that's what I ended up doing.
My house didn't get terribly messy when I was staying home with the first baby. I had to do extra loads of laundry and bottle making/washing but the actual housework was fairly light. Of course that changed when the baby started toddling around .
Last edited by springfieldva; 09-30-2010 at 02:04 PM..
You sound like an incredible mom and you deserve to be recognized for that.
But...
Are your twins getting up every 2 hours 24/7 and taking long, drawn out feedings that last an hour or more each time? You no sooner fall asleep and they're up needing to be fed/changed again. When 3PM rolls around do they wake up and start crying their little hearts out, unconsolably for two hours straight? Do you spend the next two hours walking them in the stroller, rocking them, holding them? You no sooner settle them down, and then they need another l-o-n-g feeding and diaper change....
That's what my first baby did. And I barely had time to get a shower in much less iron my husband's shirts for the first few months of my son's life. My hands were full, my husband saw that and he helped out around the house as needed. If he wanted a decent dinner, he knew where the pots and pans were.
Oh, I believe your description of your life with your newborn. My twins are exactly as you described, because they have reflux and colic and were premature. The first 6 weeks or so were pure hell and I never want to relive it. We both ate cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But toward the second and third month, even though they still wake every 2 to 3 hours to feed and take a long time to feed (again, due to prematurity and reflux), I started being able to get more things done. We got them on medication for the reflux, began positioning treatments including using sleep wedges, and changed their formula to a colic formula. All of this helped somewhat. I had to develop strategies to try to deal with them both simultaneously. I had no other choice because we had to eat and have clean clothes!
However, I don't mean to sound like I think I'm superwoman -- I'm not!! And I definitely believe that some babies just require more time and energy and I would never ignorantly assert as some have that a mother's anxiety causes a medical condition like reflux or a milk-allergy related colic! Lordy. Anyway, my point to the OP was that his needs are valid and his wife doesn't really sound like she cares very much. She somehow finds time to go out four times a week for lunch. I have never been able to find that kind of time! That's what makes me a bit suspicious that her baby isn't really difficult like your baby or like my babies.
Being home with a little baby is hard, as I said several times, and you can't get a lot done in the first few months, but at least she could show some interest in finding a solution so that her husband can 1) have clean underwear and 2) have something to eat when he gets home. If I can show concern for my husband when I have sick twins, surely she can show some concern for her husband when she has a singleton who appears to be well. That's all.
So you got everything done all by yourself, didn't require any help from your dh and you did it without ever feeling exhausted? Wow, that's just amazing. When did you sleep?
But didn't you just say that you held your dd 14 hours a day? Sounds like she needed it, what would make you think that others don't? My dd would scream bloody murder if I wasn't holding her. She needed it. I also realized later on that she had food intolerances and reflux that were causing her pain. I know that her crying had nothing to do with anxiety. Did your dd scream all day because you were anxious? I agree that babies don't need to be entertained all of the time but some of them do need to be held (unless you're comfortable letting your baby scream on their own for long periods of time, which I'm not). Most people would find that to be exhausting, physically and mentally. My dd would not sit and stare at shiny objects. She HATED sitting in her crib, car seat, stroller, bouncer or swing (except for the few times I managed to put her in it after she had fallen asleep).
There is also a big difference between fussing and screaming.
The cause of colic is unknown. I can't imagine any mother encouraging her baby to scream their head off. Is that what you did?
Great post. You cannot allow a baby with colic or reflux to scream and fuss nonstop. Crying creates increased diaphragmatic pressure, which only exacerbates floppy airway, laryngomalecia, reflux, and colic. You have to try to break the cycle by attempting to comfort them and find what works. Often a switch to a partially broken down milk solids formula or an elemental formula which contains only amino acids can help with colic. Reflux often needs to be medicated, though sometimes positioning is enough to control it.
The notion that anxious mothers create a colicky baby went out with dippity do in the 1950's, but some people haven't caught on yet.
The cause of colic is not known. Some believe it is tied to the baby's maturing nervous system and is a natural part of brain development. If that's the case, a formula change is not likely to help much. It's also natural for a parent to want to do whatever they can to soothe their colicky baby - whether it's creating white noise by running the vacuum, walking them in their stroller, rocking them, etc. Sometimes those things work, sometimes they don't. Sometimes all you can do is comfort, soothe, love them as they cry. And having extra sets of arms around (friends, relatives, etc.) can really help a new parent get through this time. It's really best not to isolate yourself.
Reflux is a different thing. If reflux is the cause of the baby's distress a formula change might very well help. But not always. Both of my kids had a bit of reflux but not so bad that they needed medication. They hated to be laid flat in a bassinet or crib and wanted to be held instead. They were also happy when we placed them in their infant car seat. As their digestive system matured, this problem went away.
Allergies, lactose intolerance, etc can also cause distress in young (and older) babies. Our doctor told us to switch one of ours to a lactose free formula and that seemed to help a bit.
My Benefits (New York) were supposed to end the first week of October, at which point I should have become a 99er. I looked at the balance the first week in October and it said I had $405 (I was on the max) benefits left. I filed that week, expecting no more benefits thereafter. I even got a letter from the Dept of Labor saying that "your benefits are soon to expire." The week after my benefits were to run out, I kept on certifying. Its been three weeks now, I am still receiving benefits, and my account balance says $3025!
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Sounds like she needed it, what would make you think that others don't? My dd would scream bloody murder if I wasn't holding her. She needed it. I also realized later on that she had food intolerances and reflux that were causing her pain. I know that her crying had nothing to do with anxiety. Did your dd scream all day because you were anxious? I agree that babies don't need to be entertained all of the time but some of them do need to be held (unless you're comfortable letting your baby scream on their own for long periods of time, which I'm not). Most people would find that to be exhausting, physically and mentally. My dd would not sit and stare at shiny objects. She HATED sitting in her crib, car seat, stroller, bouncer or swing (except for the few times I managed to put her in it after she had fallen asleep). 
