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Your daughter is doing the right thing! I wish my daughter would do that. I'm going to suggest it to her.
I love the "Bless Your Heart" thing.... Caroline Rhea (comedian) used to use that in her act. HILARIOUS!!!! (I've used it a few times myself!)
It wasn't easy to talk my DD into dropping the 'nice' bomb on the other girl. Truth be told, she inherited my redneck gene! Lol
I asked her to try it for one day and when she saw the girls reaction she decided to keep being nice.
Yeah, I love the versatility of "bless your heart"! If you weren't raised in the south, you just don't realize how many things it REALLY means. Lol
It wasn't easy to talk my DD into dropping the 'nice' bomb on the other girl. Truth be told, she inherited my redneck gene! Lol
I asked her to try it for one day and when she saw the girls reaction she decided to keep being nice.
Yeah, I love the versatility of "bless your heart"! If you weren't raised in the south, you just don't realize how many things it REALLY means. Lol
Whatever works -- that actually sounds like a good approach. Like another poster pointed out, boys have it easier - a well-aimed punch does the trick but for girls it's almost always cutting words. They slice each other, smash each other with words - but as with all bullies, the bully is actually weak and most definitely has an achilles tendon. Sometimes the only way is to give back as hard as they give.
With a group of girls, all it usually takes is to land a crushing verbal blow that embarasses the bully in front of others, get them laughing at her expense. You have to keep in mind the bully gets something out of it but if what they get turns and bites them they will quit.
Mom's not always going to be there to come to the rescue, at some point, it's better to arm the child so that they will have armor the rest of their lives.
I spoke with the principal about it the other day and, lo and behold, she was VERY familiar with every name I mentioned. She's going to talk to the girls but, somehow, I doubt this will solve the problem. She said she's going to tell them a teacher or lunch worker brought it up to her so it doesn't look like my DD said something or like I said something.
I wish they would enforce "zero tolerance". They all talk about it but it honestly never seems to be enforced. The kids will get "in school suspension" or "lunch detention" but no real punishment and nothing to inconvenience the parents. Sometimes I think it's better to give out of school suspension so the parents will be inconvenienced (having to take off work or find child care). Maybe then the parents will realize there's a problem. With "in school" consequences, nothing is put on the parents. Not very constructive, I would think.
Part of the problem is that the administration is bound to follow certain guidelines for certain offenses. An in-school suspension is actually quite serious and goes on their permanent record in most districts. They really aren't allowed to give home suspensions unless there's something REALLY awful.
Even if you feel that it isn't going to do everything you'd like, you need to begin reporting this to the school each and every time, and in a way that can be easily documented. So that means you instruct your daughter to let you know about ANY incident that happens, and then you call the principal or AP immediately. Let them know what happened, and ask that they please address it. Then you follow that with an email basically reiterating what was said over the phone. Don't be nasty about it, but be very friendly, saying, "I just wanted to send you a quick follow-up of what we discussed on the phone for my own record keeping purposes." Then copy the email to yourself too. Don't copy it to the entire world, just you and the principal. It will likely get their attention.
Usually there are increasing steps of intervention in disciplinary cases, which is reasonable. We all want to see the other kid pulverized when they're picking on our kid, but when our kid is the one in the wrong (which, let's face it, is likely to happen at some point), we want them warned and to have a chance to turn it around. If things do NOT improve, then your emails can become increasingly firm, can cite previous dates and emails sent, and ask how the principal plans to stop the bullying. If a third incident occurs, I would then start getting a little less kind, copying people higher up on the food chain, etc.
What you don't want to do is sit back and do nothing or hope it goes away, because to be fair, the administration can only be held responsible for reacting or not reacting from the point at which this was all reported. So if it's the 8th incident and only the 1st report, the kid is going to get a 1st incident reaction. You can't let it get past the point where you're about to pull your hair out because in all fairness they can't address the problem if it's not being reported in a timely manner. Advocate for your daughter and give the administration a chance to put a stop to this. They have the best odds of anyone.
First a hug for your daughter, I know all to well how it is to be bullied. Your a good mom in that you are listening to her and trying to make it better for her.
I don't have much advice, and this kind of thing is very scary for a parent.
My sister-in-law's daughter is a very cute girl...she is in 9th grade this year and has been a target of bullies for several years. This past fall it got extremely bad, where the police were involved. After Christmas, some of the same girls who were bullying my niece made death threats against her on FB. The police were involved, but when push came to shove, the school could only do so much.
The parents withdrew their daughter and put her in a private Christian high school. Hopefully that will be better--but bullying can happen anywhere.
My son (8) was having problems with another boy who was saying things like "I hate you" and other mean things. I told my son to say "shut up" but he wouldn't, so I told him to say "who cares?" He didn't want to say that either because he was afraid he would get in trouble with a teacher, and I said, tell the teacher your mom told you to say that.
One day at lunch, the other boy was going on, and my son said "Who cares"? Sure enough, the teacher on lunch patrol heard my son say it, and said "that is a mean boy". My son said "My mom told me to say that and you are welcome to call her". The teacher walked away (in shock, I think) and the other boy didn't say another word. Since then (a few weeks) I haven't heard as many complaints about the other boy.
This is not on the same level as what you are going through, OP, but my point is, my son stood up to this other kid and did it with the confidence of knowing his parents would back him up. It worked in this instance, for us. It wasn't physical, though.
And the other posters are right...you have to be careful with this....because the victim can get written up for responding to the bully. (Didn't happen to us, but happened to my sister-in-law).
Good luck...I really feel for you and your daughter.
My DD12 is in middle school. She's a very sweet girl and very sensitive. She likes to be peaceful, does not like conflict of any kind at all.
Of course, the "mean girls" have picked up on this and are picking on her ---- either by talking about her (so she can hear it) or saying things to her or teasing her. She was crying last weekend about it and told me she doesn't want to go to school on Monday. It happened again today (the crying about going back to school on Monday).
I told her she has to go to school and to ignore the "mean girls" and just hang around the good friends she has. Easier said than done. I mean, seriously, how can you ignore someone talking about you and intentionallyl saying it loud enough for you to hear???
I also told her that, sometimes, if you confront the "mean girls", they will stop. For example, "MaryJane, why do you talk about me and say things that aren't true. Are you trying to make me look bad?" Of course, my DD won't do that since she doesn't like confrontation or conflict.
I'm just so sad for her and feel horrible that she has to go through this (to the point where I want to cry about it).
We've watched the movie "Mean Girls" so many times, we've discussed bullying, etc but nothing is getting through to her and she's allowing these girls to make her life miserale.
Any advice or ideas would be great.
Thanks!!!!!
To that is part of growing up. If the girls are vicious to the point that your daughter can be harmed physically, then I can see you interfereing. You can help your daughter by asking her on a daily basis how is the situation. You can read on helping her get good coping skills and how to find ways for the girls to be better with her. What this will do is train her for life as an adult on how to handle those types of situations. Sheilding her from those situation will only deny her of learning skills needed later in life.
If the situation gets to the point where it is affecting her to the point that grades and her emotional being being are so much, then you may need to take action. You may decide to invite those friends to spend a Saturday with your daughter and them at your house and get to know each other better. Who knows that may work.
She may find a group of friends she can relate better with and learn from them to ignore them. I am sure she is not the only one that they pick on.
You may find tips for her to outwardly simply ignore them so they could get the impression she is not bothered with it. They may give up on her once they think she is not getting hurt.
Tell, her she needs to practice in doing that. Help her at home how to learn those skills. When they may say a joke about her, she can simply smile and go on with her business. If she starts to cry, they got her and will keep doing it. I was the shy type when in school and boys did pick on me but I learned emotional survival skills by myself.
I hope this helps somehow, take care.
Hopefully it's comforting for parents to know they are not alone. My son is not a douche bag, so he has been a target for bullies since we have moved to Florida. He was never bullied when we lived in California. Anyway, I wouldn't rely much on the school to take care of the problem. In my experience so far, the are good at 'talking' about zero tolerance but really not good at acting on it. But go ahead and try to work with them and make sure you document everything, in case the situation gets out of hand and you need to take further legal action. My son has actually gotten in trouble for retaliating against some of his aggressors, so they now think HE is a bully. The kid has never been in trouble in his life. Anyway, I'm digressing.
Try to help your daughter build her self-esteem. I know it's hard to tell a kid who is non-confrotational to talk back to a bully. So, don't try to change her, just help her build her confidence where the things said by those who have no class, will not bother her. Try to get her into extra curricular activities (not at school if there are many bad seeds there), but as a part of the community center, maybe? I found doing this has helped my son meet kids that are similar to him. How about tae kwon do? May come in handy at school.
Also, maybe a private school? They will have kids who's parents are obviously investing in their education, who have chosen that school for one reason or another. The administrators at private schools will be more likely to nip issues like this in the bud since they don't want to lose your money, I mean, child.
I don't know what your religious affiliation is, but maybe joining some youth groups and activities at church would help your daughter make friends outside of school and build her self-esteem?
The point being, focus on your daughter and improving her self-esteem. Don't waste too much time giving the bullies what they want. Yes, this is easier said then done, but welcoming that negative energy of bullies into your life is just not good.
Last edited by larachris; 03-28-2011 at 11:26 AM..
My DD12 is in middle school. She's a very sweet girl and very sensitive. She likes to be peaceful, does not like conflict of any kind at all.
Of course, the "mean girls" have picked up on this and are picking on her ---- either by talking about her (so she can hear it) or saying things to her or teasing her. She was crying last weekend about it and told me she doesn't want to go to school on Monday. It happened again today (the crying about going back to school on Monday).
I told her she has to go to school and to ignore the "mean girls" and just hang around the good friends she has. Easier said than done. I mean, seriously, how can you ignore someone talking about you and intentionallyl saying it loud enough for you to hear???
I also told her that, sometimes, if you confront the "mean girls", they will stop. For example, "MaryJane, why do you talk about me and say things that aren't true. Are you trying to make me look bad?" Of course, my DD won't do that since she doesn't like confrontation or conflict.
I'm just so sad for her and feel horrible that she has to go through this (to the point where I want to cry about it).
We've watched the movie "Mean Girls" so many times, we've discussed bullying, etc but nothing is getting through to her and she's allowing these girls to make her life miserale.
Any advice or ideas would be great.
Thanks!!!!!
As long as they know they are having an effect on her, they will continue to bother her. She has to learn to smile and laugh whenever they start saying mean things. In fact, she needs to AGREE WITH THEM. As soon as they see that their mean talking will have NO IMPACT WHATSOEVER, they will abandon her for a more interesting and fun victim.
Your daughter has to understand that words are just words and the only way those words can hurt is if she LETS them hurt.
I have not read all the other replies here, but I am certain that someone has mentioned that life is full of people like this and the sooner your daughter learns to deal with it, the better off she will be.
To that is part of growing up. If the girls are vicious to the point that your daughter can be harmed physically, then I can see you interfereing. You can help your daughter by asking her on a daily basis how is the situation. You can read on helping her get good coping skills and how to find ways for the girls to be better with her. What this will do is train her for life as an adult on how to handle those types of situations. Sheilding her from those situation will only deny her of learning skills needed later in life.
If the situation gets to the point where it is affecting her to the point that grades and her emotional being being are so much, then you may need to take action. You may decide to invite those friends to spend a Saturday with your daughter and them at your house and get to know each other better. Who knows that may work.
She may find a group of friends she can relate better with and learn from them to ignore them. I am sure she is not the only one that they pick on.
You may find tips for her to outwardly simply ignore them so they could get the impression she is not bothered with it. They may give up on her once they think she is not getting hurt.
Tell, her she needs to practice in doing that. Help her at home how to learn those skills. When they may say a joke about her, she can simply smile and go on with her business. If she starts to cry, they got her and will keep doing it. I was the shy type when in school and boys did pick on me but I learned emotional survival skills by myself.
I hope this helps somehow, take care.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize that being bullied was part of 'growing up'. I don't think kids need to learn how to cope with bullies. In fact, many of those bullies end up going 'the other way' and don't become productive members of society. I have never been 'bullied' in my place of employment. If there was a bully, you bet HR would take care of that problem quickly. Too many qualified job applicants available, so no need to keep a bully around.
Bullying doesn't have to be physical, it can also be verbal. No parent is going to sit around and wait until it gets REALLY bad. Bullying is not OK and needs to be addressed promptly. Nobody should have to learn coping skills to deal with bullies. Bullies should learn how to respect others and channel their anger (most of them come from abusive homes) in other manners.
And the befriending of bullies? I myself have tried that and it didn't work. What it did was show me who the bullies were and their families and prove to me that those were not the kind of kids I wanted my son hanging out with.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize that being bullied was part of 'growing up'. I don't think kids need to learn how to cope with bullies. In fact, many of those bullies end up going 'the other way' and don't become productive members of society. I have never been 'bullied' in my place of employment. If there was a bully, you bet HR would take care of that problem quickly. Too many qualified job applicants available, so no need to keep a bully around.
Bullying doesn't have to be physical, it can also be verbal. No parent is going to sit around and wait until it gets REALLY bad. Bullying is not OK and needs to be addressed promptly. Nobody should have to learn coping skills to deal with bullies. Bullies should learn how to respect others and channel their anger (most of them come from abusive homes) in other manners.
And the befriending of bullies? I myself have tried that and it didn't work. What it did was show me who the bullies were and their families and prove to me that those were not the kind of kids I wanted my son hanging out with.
I did not say bullying is part of growing up. Bullying can mean different things to different persons. That is why I describe situations. You may call them bullying if you want to. If girls are sitting down on their own and talking about another girls to be mean, I do not consider that bullying. I would consider it bullying if they sorrounded the girl, call her names, maybe shoving her, etc. Kids to form groups and have their territories and often try to assert themselves on others. That happens from childhood to adults. You cannot stop that. To me people go to an extreme that they try to stop every little thing to avoid pain on their children. That is why I suggested the mother to monitor the emotional and physical well being of the child and when she determines it is going to far, sure, take measures as she sees fit. Because you tried something does not mean it will not work. It has worked on others and it is a suggested course of action from experts on social interaction. You state other examples on you as never have happened or never work. Well, life is not exactly as it happened to you, take care.
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