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Especially in the early grades, parents can get it wrong. Little kids don't act like adults and what might be seen as bullying behavior isn't always that.
When my kid was in 2nd grade, daily he would come home and complain about one particular kid. This kid would make fun of things he said, and slug him. If they were standing in line, this kid would go by and slug my kid, pass him in the hall and punch him. Every day it was something else about this mean boy.
I told him just to ignore this kid, make friends with other kids but it continued. Then one day my son comes home and asks if this same kid could come over and play and I said isn't that kid your enemy and he said it turned out the kid wasn't mean after all, he was just trying to make him notice him so they could be friends. They became best friends for years.
Kids from families where teasing is done can actually tease kids they like but a kid who didn't grow up with any teasing might not understand teasing.
I definitely agree with this. While I'm not saying that bullying isn't a serious issue and there are some truly unfortunate circumstances out there, I think as a society we have a bit of bullyitis -
There was a situation on my daughter's bus where a girl came home crying telling her parents that she was bullied. The mother freaked out -called the girl's teacher, the principal, the bus company and the school board to complain that another girl had been bullying her daughter. When they finally all met to discover what happened they discovered that the kids were just telling each other what Santa (these are 2nd graders) brought them for Christmas. One girl had gotten a Wii system. The bullied girl wanted a Wii so hearing that the other girl got one made her feel bad. She was led to believe that when someone says something that makes you feel bad they are a bully. I think the mother took it and ran with it assuming that the girl was being taunted wheich she wasn't.
I have a quite a few stories like this. Even my own daughter in Kindergaten said she was bullied. A boy in her class had ink on his thumb from a project and was joking around making thumbprints on his desk and chairs and then on my daughters white tights. My daughter, the Felix Unger of kindergarten, had a fit -She runs for the stain stick at the slightest bit of dirt. My son would have thought it hilarious. Was it really bullying -no. We discussed it and she realized his point of view and decided not to sit near him when doing messy projects (if she could help it).
Don't even get me started about the person I know who switched her daughters school because on pajama day another little girl told her she didn't like purple and her daughters pajamas were purple.
I think these situations are good practice for children in learning to deal with adverse situations that might not always make them happy. That way when a real bully does come along they have some skills to cope. Calling the principal or pulling your child out of school at the first tear can really do them a disservice.
Also let us not forget that there are no more bullies or bullying victims today than there were 30 years ago. There are actually LESS kids killing themselves today than there were 30 years ago and the least likely reason for a kid to commit suicide is bullying.
The actual bullying situation hasn't changed or gotten any worse over the past 30 years, so why is it suddenly such a front and center issue? I would venture that a large part of it has to do with perspectives changing and the encroachment of the overprotective parents.
I'm not picking on anyones personaly situation, merely pointing out that the rhetoric being spewed in no way matches the realities of bullying in 2011. The bullies today and bullying itself is no more pervasive today then it was in the 90's, 80's or even the 60's and 50's.
Also, despite admission from the people screaming from the rooftops about how evil bullies are, that the schools are powerless and the bullies can't be changed, they seem to simply want more punishment, more control, more discipline. The entire time ignoring the only real and practical solution that teaching their child to cope and overcome is the only way to end it for good.
I cannot believe what I just read in this post.
More evil than what many bullies nowadays do (which, yes, is a 100 times more aggressive and sophisticated than the "meanie" things kids used to do to each other in the past) is this attitude of downplaying, minimalizing and failing to understand the gravity of this downright grotesque issue of our times.
To me, people who think like this should be dealt with first.
Did you read the articles? Especially the last two that specifically addressed bully and victim personalities? And how parents who intervene actually cause children to become victims? Of course I read the articles. Because I chose to disagree with your position and the articles you found to back up your opinion doesn't mean I am unimformed. Or that my parenting is to be found wanting.
Let's look at the situation this way. Your eight year old walks to school every day. Along his/her path is a yard full of pitbulls. The dogs are not chained and there isn't a fence around the yard. At first the dogs just give your child nasty looks and growls. Then as time goes by the dogs begin to come closer and bark aggressively. You say to your child, just ignore the dogs, and they will stop barking. Smile at the dogs and they will see you want to make friends. Then after months of trying to help your child "cope and overcome" this situation with a pack of aggressive, vicious dogs, they maul your child to death. Bullies and pitbulls are really no different. Until someone who is stronger steps in, they will continue to terrorize.
I think part of the problem here is the term "bully". This can mean so many things.
If a child is being seriously assaulted by a group of children (see pitbill illustration above), this is beyond bullying, this is assault.
I would consider bullying to be more like teasing and taunting.
And yes, I have already raised one of my children to adulthood and my parenting style worked for him just fine. I told him to first firmly tell the other child to stop, then to notify the authorities and then, if that didn't work, to (gasp!) knock that kid on his butt.
And yes he did. He assaulted another child. I know many of you are horrified by this, but this is life. He handled it decisively and it never happened again. Now, did my son become a bully because of that experience? No, he is still the same sweet, gentle person he was before, only a little more comfortable and confident.
Did you read the articles? Especially the last two that specifically addressed bully and victim personalities? And how parents who intervene actually cause children to become victims? Of course I read the articles. Because I chose to disagree with your position and the articles you found to back up your opinion doesn't mean I am unimformed. Or that my parenting is to be found wanting.
Let's look at the situation this way. Your eight year old walks to school every day. Along his/her path is a yard full of pitbulls. The dogs are not chained and there isn't a fence around the yard. At first the dogs just give your child nasty looks and growls. Then as time goes by the dogs begin to come closer and bark aggressively. You say to your child, just ignore the dogs, and they will stop barking. Smile at the dogs and they will see you want to make friends. Then after months of trying to help your child "cope and overcome" this situation with a pack of aggressive, vicious dogs, they maul your child to death. Bullies and pitbulls are really no different. Until someone who is stronger steps in, they will continue to terrorize.
Sometimes common sense shines so beautifully that it makes you wonder how some people can be so blind or twisted to not be able to see the light.
The reason why they apparently can't connect the dots is because they must think bullies=kids and kids=not pitbulls.
Yet, these human bullies - when they do what they do - they act on nothing but aggressive instinct. Precisely like a pitbull.
This post was beyond excellent.
When I was a little girl I had lazy eye and I had to wear a patch and my mother was terrified to send me to school for fear I would get picked on but she certainly never let on to me. She just kept telling me how unique and special it was to wear something nobody else did.
I thought I was awesome because I had a patch and nobody else did. The kids picked up on the confidence I exuded and never bothered me one bit about it. Some wanted their own because it was different.
A pack is always going to go after the weakest links..build up your kids confidence, it's the best thing you can do for them.
"The way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it." -The Lion King
I think this quote describes the situation perfectly. By being a mentor to your daughter by teaching her how to deal with this, she'll be well equipped for things such as these in the future, and won't need principals, counselors, police, etc. to step in for her. Bringing in those people, IMO, is such an easy solution. Actually TEACHING your daughter to deal may be hard to do, but in the long run, it will help her more than any teacher or counselor ever can. You'll feel better about it and she will too.
I think what NJGOAT, I and some others realize is that there is a difference between actual bullying and establishing a natural pecking order. Parents and other adults these days have become so entwined in every aspect of children's lives that the children no longer are permitted to exercise what had always been the natural process of growing up.
Every living thing on earth has a pecking order, even plants and trees, every animal, etc.. What has become a phenomenom in the latest years is that natural process has been interfered with in kids' lives by adults who overmanage and overprotect; by adults who have to have ultimate control over every little bit of the life of a child.
It used to be that the natural pecking order began when kids started playing with each other, but now they are so watched and controled that this isn't happening anymore. Some adults perceive any attempt at establishing the natural pecking order as bullying. Nobody anymore, wants their kid at the bottom of the pile. The kids can be just as happy, even happier at the bottom without the pressure of having to lead, but for some reason, parents take it as an insult and demand their child be at the top.
A lot of posters on this thread believe those of us who think kids should take matters into their own hands for their own sake, are saying those kids should be thrown to the wolves. Not true. It's natural for kids to begin to seperate themselves from parents and other guiding hands from very early on. When kids begin playing with other kids, they need to be able to learn how to establish which order they fall into, and how to handle themselves and resolve their own issues with other kids. When this is compromised by overbearing adults, those kids never learn. When we encourage our kids to be strong and stand up to any form of bullying, it gives them a sense of courage and confidence that they are capable of maintaining their own being. It helps for them to become more capable of pulling away from the parent and adult dependency to become their own person.
We shouldn't even have to do much encouraging. Kids should be learning that on their own by natural order and growing confidence in their own right, handling and resolving problems on their own.
Adults, parents shouldn't save children from every disappointment and failure and fear. It robs the kids from becoming all they can be as human beings. They don't need us for that very often; disappointment, failure and fear helps them to develop what is necessary to be a confident and responsible adult.
I have not read all the posts and forgive me if this has already been posted, but can you request a meeting with the parents of those kids with the principal being present? Sometimes parents are not aware of what their kids are like in school, and may be willing to put a stop to it. If they are in denial a warning of pressing charges may do the trick. Every child is entitled to feel safe in school and if someone is making my child feel miserable I will not hasitate to press charges against the kids or their parents. A 12 year old is old enough to understand the meaning of what's right and what's wrong.
I think what NJGOAT, I and some others realize is that there is a difference between actual bullying and establishing a natural pecking order. Parents and other adults these days have become so entwined in every aspect of children's lives that the children no longer are permitted to exercise what had always been the natural process of growing up.
Every living thing on earth has a pecking order, even plants and trees, every animal, etc.. What has become a phenomenom in the latest years is that natural process has been interfered with in kids' lives by adults who overmanage and overprotect; by adults who have to have ultimate control over every little bit of the life of a child.
It used to be that the natural pecking order began when kids started playing with each other, but now they are so watched and controled that this isn't happening anymore. Some adults perceive any attempt at establishing the natural pecking order as bullying. Nobody anymore, wants their kid at the bottom of the pile. The kids can be just as happy, even happier at the bottom without the pressure of having to lead, but for some reason, parents take it as an insult and demand their child be at the top.
A lot of posters on this thread believe those of us who think kids should take matters into their own hands for their own sake, are saying those kids should be thrown to the wolves. Not true. It's natural for kids to begin to seperate themselves from parents and other guiding hands from very early on. When kids begin playing with other kids, they need to be able to learn how to establish which order they fall into, and how to handle themselves and resolve their own issues with other kids. When this is compromised by overbearing adults, those kids never learn. When we encourage our kids to be strong and stand up to any form of bullying, it gives them a sense of courage and confidence that they are capable of maintaining their own being. It helps for them to become more capable of pulling away from the parent and adult dependency to become their own person.
We shouldn't even have to do much encouraging. Kids should be learning that on their own by natural order and growing confidence in their own right, handling and resolving problems on their own.
Adults, parents shouldn't save children from every disappointment and failure and fear. It robs the kids from becoming all they can be as human beings. They don't need us for that very often; disappointment, failure and fear helps them to develop what is necessary to be a confident and responsible adult.
As I read your post, I wanted to repond to each section. However, I began to see that it really is only a well written justification for nasty behavior on the part of children. And by the way, in the wild, if you attack a child, the parent, no matter the size, will rip you a new one. So much for natural pecking order.
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