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So they all had the Short Man Syndrome and picked on little girls. You should have kicked them in the b**** and shut them up.
Yes, that's about right. I think I got one of them pretty good during the shed incident. Jockeys are really, really strong though.
When I was a little older and looked back, I realized the whole family was miserable. None of the kids went to high school, they all went into the family business. And dad was the epitome of the short, short tempered tyrant. Really unpleasant life for them.
Bullies breeding new bullies. The mother was about 6 ft and huge, and so was the daughter. Pretty funny really, when you look back at it.
It's ok that you don't understand nature and natural pecking order.
Mother pigs eat their young that are inferior, others animals do as well. Mother birds push babies out of the nest that are inferior. Then ther are others that leave those inferior ones behind to die so what nourishment the mother has goes to the stronger offspring. So much for 'ripping a new one'.
Yes, a mother animal will attack an animal if it is strange to her and messes with her young. They will protect them from other adult animals or humans, but they do not mess with other youngsters. The young are left to learn how to fend for themselves and learn from each other the natural order and how to survive within their own group.
There has to be leaders and there has to be followers. It isn't natural for all to be leaders. Also, the weaker depend on the stronger for many things. What's wrong with that? Nothing. How can kids learn to depend on themselves or each other when adults control their every move? They can't. Kids can't learn how to turn to other kids to help solve problems or negotiate place in a group if there are adults there telling them what to do all the time. Frustration builds in the natural leaders and they bully because they cannot lead, so you have more bullies than what is natural. The weaker ones become confused and become targets for bullying instead of developing their own strengths with the help of the leaders, and accepting their own weaknesses in the order of things.
I watched a movie not long ago about an American photographer and his young son (about 12) who went into the African bush to photograph a tribe of people and animals in the area. The boy befriended an African boy around the same age.
The children of the village were free to roam, younger kids learning from the older ones. Toddlers ran off chasing after the next age up.
As each boy begins to move into adolescence (11 or 12), he is sent on a journey by himself to find a lake that is a three day trek away. The American boy and the African boy decided to travel to the lake by themselves; the American boy without his father's permission.
When the American father finds out, he is furious and wants to get into a jeep to find his son immediately. The African father says they will be ok and they should be left alone to complete their journey.
Finally after a couple days the American father can't stand not knowing where his son is or what he is doing, and convinces the African father to take him to in the direction of the lake to find the boys. They find them at the lake, unharmed and running and whooping with flamingos. The leader taught the follower that he is capable of surviving.
The African father is proud of his son's confidence and ability. The American father is astonished to find his son is much more capable than he ever would have thought.
It is absolutely necessary for kids to grow up with confidence that they can handle not only their own life, but their community, their state, their country and the world. It will all be theirs one day. They will be the adults and they need to know to make choices of what peers to listen to and when to take matters into their own hands.
What I understand right now is that you are attempting to bully me in a very subtle way. I refuse to accept your opinion so you insinuate that my level of intelligence is unable to grasp your theory. The reason why I can't grasp your message through your charming little "story" is that it is crap. You can't compare in a effective way the African and American cultures because they are so vastly dissimilar. Perhaps your children were raised during the more laissez faire seventies decade as I was, that may explain your parenting concept. From my experiences as a child from that era, I have decided to raise my child in a different manner.
As I read your post, I wanted to repond to each section. However, I began to see that it really is only a well written justification for nasty behavior on the part of children. And by the way, in the wild, if you attack a child, the parent, no matter the size, will rip you a new one. So much for natural pecking order.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mainerwoman
What I understand right now is that you are attempting to bully me in a very subtle way. I refuse to accept your opinion so you insinuate that my level of intelligence is unable to grasp your theory. The reason why I can't grasp your message through your charming little "story" is that it is crap. You can't compare in a effective way the African and American cultures because they are so vastly dissimilar. Perhaps your children were raised during the more laissez faire seventies decade as I was, that may explain your parenting concept. From my experiences as a child from that era, I have decided to raise my child in a different manner.
You're funny. Maybe you're angry because I didn't get any more sense out of your pitbull story than you did out of my African story. Maybe it was your sarcasm. I don't know, but I thought your pitbull story was crap, so we're even.
You missed totally the message that was conveyed in my 'charming little story'. Helicopter parents usually are deffensive because they don't want to have to admit they are wrong.
That's the point. The OP hasn't shared anything that resembles real bullying. A group of girls talk about her within ear shot, say things to her and tease her.
That happens to almost everyone at some point. What she describes isn't much different from what my overly sensitive son had to learn skills to deal wtih.
Oh, that's not "bullying"??? Ever heard of VERBAL ABUSE???? Ever heard of the concept that verbal abuse has much longer-lasting and profound effects than physical abuse.
This isn't someone saying something and that's it. It's an ongoing issue and is happening on an almost daily basis at a place (school) that my daughter cannot just up and leave.
Oh, that's not "bullying"??? Ever heard of VERBAL ABUSE???? Ever heard of the concept that verbal abuse has much longer-lasting and profound effects than physical abuse.
This isn't someone saying something and that's it. It's an ongoing issue and is happening on an almost daily basis at a place (school) that my daughter cannot just up and leave.
Calm down. They are 11 year olds. Girls that age can be cruel. It's something she needs to learn how to deal with on her own. Does she not know that words are only words and not all of them make us happy?
Oh, that's not "bullying"??? Ever heard of VERBAL ABUSE???? Ever heard of the concept that verbal abuse has much longer-lasting and profound effects than physical abuse.
In a family environment over years and years. You're not verbally abusing her at home.
It's a small group of girls. It's not the entire school. And your daughter isn't the only target.
She needs to learn that they are the ones with 'issues', not her. She needs to gain confidence within herself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by omigawd
This isn't someone saying something and that's it. It's an ongoing issue and is happening on an almost daily basis at a place (school) that my daughter cannot just up and leave.
She's not alone. Everyone goes through it. Lots of pre-teens do that. They do it more and longer to the kids whose reaction makes it fun.
You're not helping your daughter by running to her rescue because she has a nice gentle personality. My son is a kind gentle soul too.
You can change schools and this will happen to your daughter again. Those type of kids are everywhere.
Yeah, it's not fair. But you're not going to change the world single handedly. After you take care of these girls, there will be others.
You have a daugher who needs you to focus on her and help her learn how cope. You don't have time to change the world.
Oh, that's not "bullying"??? Ever heard of VERBAL ABUSE???? Ever heard of the concept that verbal abuse has much longer-lasting and profound effects than physical abuse.
This isn't someone saying something and that's it. It's an ongoing issue and is happening on an almost daily basis at a place (school) that my daughter cannot just up and leave.
omigawd, I really feel for the both of you. Intimidation on a daily basis is overwhelming for a kid and must be heartbreaking for you.
Nothing is going to change the bullies. That's the problem. Not you or your daughter. But I have a couple of thoughts to add to the rest of the posts:
1. It's great that you are there to get her through this. That's the most important thing. Having someone have her back really makes a difference for her.
2. She will have to get to a point where the things they are saying stop affecting her personally. That's really the only way to mitigate the damage to her and lower her stress level.
3. She needs to start seeing them as pathetic specimens of humanity. If you feel pity for someone, it's hard for them to have power over you.
4. There was an episode of one of DD's tv shows for little kids where they dealt with this issue, and I thought it was an interesting approach.
A new kid comes into the preschool who's hellbent on intimidating the kids. He throws insults at them and encourages the other kids to throw insults back. He thinks it's a fun game. The main character does not enjoy this new game. He doesn't like insulting the new kid. So he goes to his dad and tells him he's trying to think up good insults to throw back at the new kid but he doesn't really want to do it. The dad tells him that everytime some kid insulted him at school, he would look at the insulter and smile and say "So?". If the insulter said "Well it's because you are fat and ugly and stupid" the dad would just smile again and say "So?".
Verbal abuse loses all its power if it doesn't upset the receiver, no matter how heinous the insults. You're daughter does not even have to say it out loud, to the girls, but to herself, reminding herself that whatever they're saying about her is untrue and irrelevant. Eventually their goal of upsetting your daughter will have no point, and hopefully they'll back off.
5. If nothing the other posters or myself has worked, and the bullying escalates to physical violence and intimidation, and your daughter is in danger of losing her self confidence and sanity entirely - get her the eff out of that situation. Sometimes, despite everybody's best intentions, what seems like harmless kid stuff gets way out of hand. You need to be able to separate one from the other. You can always work on her self esteem and confidence issues once she it out of the threatening environment.
6. Bullies suck. They are the dregs of our society. I'm sorry your daughter is going through this. I hope the sniveling little brats get what they deserve.
My 14yr old is going thru the same thing. It's not a group though, just one girl who thinks it's her mission in life to make my daughter's life a living hell.
After far too much drama, I finally convinced my daughter that the best way of dealing with this girl was to be extra nice to her. It's working in it's own way. It's driving the other girl nuts. Whenever this girl starts in on my daughter, she is met with a smile and a thank you or some other nice comment. Whenever my daughter is really about to loose it and punch the little brat's lights out she will just take a deep breath and say " Bless your heart honey" . In the south where I come from, depending on your tone of voice, that can mean anything from bless your heart to *********.
I applaud my daughter's restraint because, at that age, I probably would have beaten the crap out of the girl.
Amen sister! What a lovely daughter you have! Me? Yep, eventually, I would have been the one shoving her into a wall and telling her, "Just one more word...that's all you gotta do...just one more time and you're going to look very different than you do right now!! LOL Of course, these days, I'm much more of a kill 'em with kindess person. Back then?....not so much. LOL
My DD12 is in middle school. She's a very sweet girl and very sensitive. She likes to be peaceful, does not like conflict of any kind at all.
Of course, the "mean girls" have picked up on this and are picking on her ---- either by talking about her (so she can hear it) or saying things to her or teasing her. She was crying last weekend about it and told me she doesn't want to go to school on Monday. It happened again today (the crying about going back to school on Monday).
I told her she has to go to school and to ignore the "mean girls" and just hang around the good friends she has. Easier said than done. I mean, seriously, how can you ignore someone talking about you and intentionallyl saying it loud enough for you to hear???
I also told her that, sometimes, if you confront the "mean girls", they will stop. For example, "MaryJane, why do you talk about me and say things that aren't true. Are you trying to make me look bad?" Of course, my DD won't do that since she doesn't like confrontation or conflict.
I'm just so sad for her and feel horrible that she has to go through this (to the point where I want to cry about it).
We've watched the movie "Mean Girls" so many times, we've discussed bullying, etc but nothing is getting through to her and she's allowing these girls to make her life miserale.
Any advice or ideas would be great.
Thanks!!!!!
Please try to get it across to your daughter that they are the ones with the issues...that there is something horrible and miserable in their lives that are making them behave this way toward her. Do what you can to convince her that every time they say something mean to her, it's a venting process for their pain. I know it hurts...but some of these kids have it so awful, feel so terrible inside, that in order for them to survive, they have to vent it out on someone else.
Tell her to imagine that they see her as nice...but WHY is she nice? If she's nice, it must be because her LIFE is nice. How DARE she have a nice life, one that makes her a happy person?!! ((((HUGS)))) to you both. It is awful, raising kids sometimes....watching the pain they go through. Sometimes, there's just nothing you CAN do about it, other than to teach your own child to cope. If it turns physical, THEN you most definitely need to do something about it.
My dad was in the military and we moved around constantly. We generally lived off-base; on the one hand, it was cool, because we got exposure to life outside the bases, and a lot of military brats have a tough time adjusting to life offbase when their parents retire or they leave home for school.
The flipside is that every kid on base moves constantly, so while you have a pecking order and cool kids/uncool kids (also somewhat segregated, especially into the teens, according to the rank of the parents), there's not as much of an established group at the school as kids cycle through constantly. You could be at a school for six months, then at another school six months after that. Also, kids who engage in bullying or bad behaviour run the risk of getting their parents in trouble: if your kid is fond of terrorizing other kids and the principal calls a meeting, whatever. If it happens again, there's a good chance the parents' CO (commanding officer) will find out, and he will ask what's going on with their kid not being reigned in properly and creating havoc in the school. Although families aren't held to the same standard as the personnel, their actions are certainly scrutinized.
I had a few things going against me:
1. My family didn't have much money. If you want to get literal about it... mid 90's, family of 4, $26,000. And we never took food stamps or got assistance other than the Army housing subsidies we were entitled to via my dad's service. Being poor pretty much automatically makes you uncool.
2. I was raised by devoutly religious parents who were firm believers in turning the other cheek. I recall coming home in first grade after having been shoved down, kicked, and spat on by a couple bullies, and while my parents contacted the school, they told me that the next time that bully came up and started giving me a hard time, I should look him in the eye and tell him that what he was doing to me wasn't right since I'd never done anything to wrong him. Yeah, that's great if you're dealing with an adult with some semblance of morality. This is a screwed-up kid.
3. While poor, my family wasn't "troubled." My parents are still married 31 years after the fact and I wasn't abused. Most of the kids that picked on me were "troubled," from "broken homes" i.e. crap parents who encouraged, directly or indirectly, their behaviour. The school administrators seemed less interested in helping a kid from a cohesive home than a broken one, even if the kid from the broken home was being a little *******.
4. I was a giant kid, always the tallest in my class till I was in 8th grade - I'm 6'2 now which isn't SUPER tall, but I was a whole head taller than kids for years. My grandfather was a heavyweight boxing champ and I come from a long line of cattlemen, lumberjacks, and laborers. Kids who like to bully get a real rise out of being able to say that they beat up kids who are bigger than them. Because of my quiet, friendly disposition and the fact I was big, I was an easy - and popular - target.
5. I'm smart. I was always in the accelerated programs, and often, my teachers would let me make up my own projects in terms of writing, social studies, art, etc. Despite that, I wasn't snotty about it and I also wasn't a maladjusted nerd... just quiet. Most of the kids who were bullying me were dumb and/or had behavioral issues. The general consensus seemed to often be, "he's smart, he doesn't need as much attention."
Finally, my parents put me in martial arts and told me to just beat the snot out of anyone that messed with me, and it worked. I never picked fights and wasn't aggressive, but within a very short span, the bullies backed off, and whenever we'd move, of course the clique of cool kids had to assert their dominance over me, until I messed one of them up for continuing to insult me and threatening me. I'd get a suspension for a day and then I was back in class with the respect of my peers, primarily because I wasn't aggressive towards anyone. If people started talking behind my back or I got wind of rumors, I'd approach the people responsible and ask them why they were talking about me behind my back. At that point, that was all I needed to say.
The thing that sucks is that when all this was going on - about '91-98, the whole "hug a bully" thing was just getting worse by the year. Unfortunately, the only thing a lot of these knuckleheads understand about decency is a pecking order, and the best way to assert yourself in that pecking order is to treat them worse than they treated you. I became a menace to them, because I was bigger, stronger, smarter, and not one of them. My later schooling was actually pretty breezy socially, because people generally respected me.
I wonder what I'm going to do when I have kids, I really do. I'm not terrified of the spectre of having or raising them, but I am terrified of what's going to happen when they go to school and how I should raise them. I know what worked for me, but I feel like in this day and age, it'll just get us a lawsuit :/
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