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I am the stepparent of two adult children. The oldest is the one causing heart break right now, but she is usually the one with all the drama. At 15 she got pregnant, refused our help, insisted on getting married. So we came around to support her decision, she got pregnant again a few years ago and so now at the ripe age of 22 she has a 5.5 year old and 2.5 year old, no GED or education, no job etc. We have purchased 3 cars for her over the course of several years (not expensive cars mind you, but cars that do actually run.) We hired her husband, who works for our small company to insure that they could get medical coverage, we also provide them with deeply discounted rent on a house we own just up the street. Her husband is working two jobs, and in addition he is mowing our yard and washing our cars just to make ends meet. She cleans our house for extra cash and she also occasionally helps out at our office and with my younger kids (for which I do not pay her.)
She was supposed to be focusing on getting her GED, but she quit going to classes.
Just this week she said she wants to separate from her husband, that she no longer loves him and "don't we want her to be happy?"
We told her that we did not support her decision, and that we weren't going to support her financially anymore unless she was working hard towards her responsibilities (getting an education & job). When asked how she was going to pay rent, she said she had another young single mom who wanted to move in and pay rent. Apparently the friend is going to the local community college and has a job in retail, however I have also heard the friend is a "druggie" by my stepson. When I pressed my stepson, he admitted that he never actually saw the friend take any drugs, but simply that she was a partier.
My husband told our Stepdaughter that we would have to meet the friend and approve before we would be willing to re-negotiate the rent terms.
In the meantime, her husband has mentioned that they have been taking drugs on a recreational level, that he knew it was wrong but wanted to make her (the stepdaughter) happy and he quit, but he suspects she has not quit. I don't know if he is trying to stir up sympathy or make himself look better or if it is the truth.
I do think that neither one of them are very good at making decisions, and I think that we need to do something, but I don't know what.....if she is really going to get a job and education, I want to help. If she's doing drugs, I don't want to support that at all. I worry about my grandchildren and the fact that drug use leads to drug addiction.
I suspect we need to use tough love, but I hesitate to do it if she's on the straight and narrow...
ANY ADVICE would be greatly appreciated...
Yeah...she is an adult..dont worry about what she does or doesn't do
Let her live her unbalanced life.
It seems like she can do whatever she wants and you will pick up the pieces..?
STOP HELPING HER..
Yeah...she is an adult..dont worry about what she does or doesn't do
Let her live her unbalanced life.
It seems like she can do whatever she wants and you will pick up the pieces..?
STOP HELPING HER..
YOu know Jeepgirl, that's right, we need to stop helping her, my biggest concern isn't so much worrying about her, although I do that to some degree, but worrying about the grandchildren....if it were just her, it would be a little easier to follow through with the "don't worry" bit
Well, I was supposed to talk to my SD Friday afternoon, but her plans changed and I decided to let it go for the weekend and just bring up the drug topic the next opportunity I had.
I believe that her husband (my son in law) just couldn't stand it anymore either, because he told her that I knew about it, so she called me and we spoke over the phone.
She claims the last time she got high was two weeks ago WITH her husband, she wasn't high when she came over to talk to us, and she plans on quitting, although she isn't going to lie and say she's never going to do it again.
I asked her why she never came to any of us for help or advice with her marriage or any aspect of her life, and she said she didn't want to share any of the details with us, and she felt like she would have had to tell details. I told her she has pulled away from us, not even hanging out with us for the past two months (she used to regularly spend time with not just me, but also my sister-in-laws who live in town.)
I told her that I thought her drug use was a problem and if she wanted to get a job and move ahead in life, it had the potential to ruin all that, even if she's doing it on her own time. One drug test and BOOM, there's consequences.
I also re-iterated that I don't think her friends are a good influence, that she has only known them for a year, while the rest of us around her have known her practically all her life. She tried to defend her friends by saying they weren't druggies, but when I asked her if any of them didn't do drugs, she couldn't answer that with affirmative.
So anyway, my conclusion was to leave things as they are. Her husband and the boys are in the house for the time being, she is out trying to find a place to stay. She was house sitting with her friend, but that's over and I could tell by her voice that the reality of being jobless & homeless was stressing her out.
GOOD. She needs a dose of reality.
Also, hubby and I decided that we don't know who's correct, exaggerating, lying (when I told her some of the details that her husband gave me, she called him a liar.) we are going to ask that both of them take a drug test, since one of them is living there, and the other one watches the kids there, get the drug accessories OFF our property, and request no parties there either.
Beyond that, I'm not really sure what else to do, I think the reality of her situation will be a good lesson for her. Besides talk is cheap, actions speak much louder, and that goes both ways. I can talk to her, but my actions have a much bigger impact, and by actions, I mean doing nothing will help her more in the long run.
As for her, she can claim she's not doing drugs anymore, claim that she wants to get her GED and a job, but the only thing that really makes a difference at this point is IF she actually DOES these things.
As for the boys, I pushed hubby on scheduling a weekly afternoon/evening with our grandsons because like I told him, how will we really know how they are doing if we don't see them on a regular basis?
Step-parent= stay out of it. Say nothing. Just smile, and support the parent. Listen, look and act concerned to the other parent, and the child.
When it drives you crazy, decide if you want to stay or leave.
I would never leave my husband because his daughter makes bad life choices, I love my step kids and I have helped raise them, why would I abandon one of them now, or even my husband? Sorry, your advice is bad...after 15 years of marriage, to leave now?? What about my younger children? I should break my family apart because my stepdaughter is breaking her family up?
I made vows, "for better or worse"
Besides I have spent a lot of time just being supportive to everyone, my husband most of all, I think he would disagree with your advice for our situation.
I think your advice would be much more appropriate for a couple seeking to blend two families but not yet married, but its ok, most people are used to the proverbial "wicked step mother" the fairy tale comes from a grain of truth.
However I am not a meddling type, I am a responsible and caring sort. If I were meddling I would be up all in their business on a regular basis, and I'm not.
YOu know Jeepgirl, that's right, we need to stop helping her, my biggest concern isn't so much worrying about her, although I do that to some degree, but worrying about the grandchildren....if it were just her, it would be a little easier to follow through with the "don't worry" bit
To me it sounds like she wants to leave even her kids, which means she either knows she's not in a position to raise them or her freedom means more to here.
The father might not be in much better of a position than she is, so it's good that the kids stay in their house and that you will have them to make sure things are going okay for them.
Time will tell. And there's not much more you can do - she may realize that freedom isn't as great as it might have seemed -- or she might decide it is. I hope for those kids and for you and your husband that at least one parent ends up wanting to keep the kids and raise them, otherwise that may end up on you. For that reason I think it's best to provide a little support - relief from child raising for that parent. Or hopefully even if she leaves, she'll want to have some time with the kids and take some of the burden off him.
Probably the best you can do is accept that she needs to leave for a while but it's best if she stays in the picture as best she can and make sure the kids have some stability.
If she was my daughter I would definately rent your extra home to her and her friend....that way the grandkids are close and you can check in on them....just raise the rent a bit if it makes you feel better...I think all the rules you are imposing on your daughter are unfair...would you treat another tenant like that?......you can't do anything now but keep your eye on her as she really does have her plate full with 2 small children.......I would not want to drive her away...let her try renting with her friend!!....oh, by the way....would you also continue renting to the husband???
Well, sadly I have to say that a reconciliation does not appear on the horizon for my SD and her husband. She started a job in retail today and is looking for an apartment. We continue to rent the house to the son in law so that the boys have continuity and aren't traipsing around all over the place. When he is at work, my SD watches the grandsons at the rental house, so for now the boys are staying in their home.
I spoke with the SD today and tried to explain things from my perspective because I think she feels we are choosing sides and we aren't. We simply don't know or trust these new friends of hers and I also told her that her timing was terrible...to separate when she didn't even have a job.
She seemed pretty depressed that her first paycheck isn't for another 3 weeks, but hey, guess that's what happens when you rush into decisions based on a lot of emotion and very little practical commonnsense.
The son in law continues to tell me detailed accounts of their discussions, a play by play if you will, and that is starting to get old. I get the feeling he is spinning the truth to show himself to advantage but what it does is show me why perhaps, she really does want out of the marriage. Half the time he is nice to her and the other half he is being passive-aggressive. It wears me out just being on the sidelines.
One of the SD new friends was babysitting the grandsons today, so I stopped by with ice cream to check on them. All seemed ok, plus now they know I might stop by, so it will keep them on their toes.
Over the weekend my son in law drove out of state to visit his family and pick up his brother who is going to help watch my grandsons. Apparently Saturday night he was testing to his family "goodbye" messages and said he had a gun and was going to end it all. My stepdaughter calls me at 2;30 am to see if I can track his cell phone since he works for our company and it's a business phone, but it doesn't work and I spend the next 12 hours worrying until someone finally gets a hold of one of his brothers who says that they found the son in law and he is ok now.
The son in law is supposed to be the stable one!!! Now whAt?
To top it off we had my husbands family reunion that next day. My SD asked if she could bring a friend to help her watch her boys, and I said yes. Instead she shows up with THREE friends, a girl and two boys all in their early 20s, barely legal drinking age....and they proceed to make mixed drinks and go to the pool and party like it's a pool party, not a family reunion.
Earlier in the week she asked if she should call my husbands parents and let them know what was going on, and I told her that would be nice to give them a heads up, but she never did, so they were confused and my father in law took her aside and lectured her for not bringing her husband to the family reunion.
It was a mess, she left after my husband told her to leave, my stepson, her younger brother, later sent her a nasty text telling her what a mess she is making of her life and to stay away from him. So she calls me, upset about the whole day and I was at a loss! It is like she is living in an alternate reality.
I am so angry at both of them right now, such immaturity! I want to get the two of them in a room and just tell them how disappointed I am, but to what end?
Sounds like you've been manipulated by the SD's husband and you fell for it. Darn shame you enabled these two to the point that they don't have a life separate from you and your husband. They should have been able to start their lives without constant dependence and now interference from you and hubby. Now you're doing everything you can to still control them---drug testing adults?!?!? You and your husband like having the power over them, like them living in your house, like them depending on income from your company.
You clearly chose the wrong side. He isn't stable. All of his manipulating that you didn't see is proof that he isn't stable. Now that it didn't work out---he lost his wife when he thought the manipulating would control her to be what he wanted her to be---and he has a gun and wants to end it all. He sounds like a family murder/suicide waiting to happen. I'm sure every family that lost a daughter, gradnchildren thought something like that wouldn't happent to them.
All of this over stories of marijuana. Wow. Marijuana is not that big of a deal. And your comments about her friends being "barely legal drinking age" makes you sound so petty. They are legal.
Honestly, I'm glad she found new friends. You say she has only known them a year, like that's a bad thing. It sounds like this girl needed to get away from the influences in her world that you and your husband made so small by keeping her under your control. It's a shame there are children involved in this mess, but you have to acknowledge that you helped create this mess.
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I am the stepparent of two adult children. The oldest is the one causing heart break right now, but she is usually the one with all the drama. At 15 she got pregnant, refused our help, insisted on getting married. So we came around to support her decision, she got pregnant again a few years ago and so now at the ripe age of 22 she has a 5.5 year old and 2.5 year old, no GED or education, no job etc. We have purchased 3 cars for her over the course of several years (not expensive cars mind you, but cars that do actually run.) We hired her husband, who works for our small company to insure that they could get medical coverage, we also provide them with deeply discounted rent on a house we own just up the street. Her husband is working two jobs, and in addition he is mowing our yard and washing our cars just to make ends meet. She cleans our house for extra cash and she also occasionally helps out at our office and with my younger kids (for which I do not pay her.) 
Update on the drama...
Update
