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My ex Mother in Law had an interesting system. She let her kids borrow as much as they wanted. She kept a ledger keeping track of who owes what. She made sure that when she passed, this was used when it came time for inheritance. Wanna borrow all of it now? Fine, but you may end up getting nothing when I'm gone.
I still don't know if I agree with this though. What if you die in debt?
Now my friend.
You know the answer.
Don't get upset when I say, get a life!
You are getting something out of this drama...think about it.
Hope you will respond, I am truly interested as I have adult children who are making it by the grace of God.
Quote:
Originally Posted by addicted2helping
But I am not doing a good job of it. I suppose this is more of a rant then anything else, and I freely admit to being very crabby the past week.
She has moved in with my sister in law while she waits for govt. Assistance in finding a place of her own for her and the two boys.
My sister in law is going above and beyond, helping her get organized, feeding my grandsons, bathing them and putting them to sleep while my step daughter is at work. She works in retail and many times she has hours that start at 2pm or 4pm and end around 11pm.
This week they asked my step daughter to work six days in a row, so I am helping watch my five year old and two year old grandsons. In fact, in a little bit I am treating them to a trip to Chuckee Cheese!
However, my stepdaughter was supposed to go sign up for free GED classes today, and she told my sister in law that she had been feeling sick and was going to go next week. Also, when she dropped off her boys for me to watch just now, I asked my grandson how school was today, and apparently she didn't drag her butt out of bed to get him to school, so he missed school. He just started kindergarten last week.
It makes me so angry that she is so irresponsible, and I am not even sure why I am getting so angry. Maybe because she just seems so ungrateful for the help we have given her? I don't know how the two are connected, but I do believe it is dumb for me to get worked up over this.
If you recall any of the history from my earlier posts, then some of this will be familiar to you. Many of you told me time to take the tough love approach, but I sort only took half a tough love approach. The day we moved her out of our rental, her car broke down, so we paid to get it repaired so she could get to work and take her son to school. Then we had to pay a $370.00 past due electric bill so that our new tenants could have electricity. (and she confided to my sister in law that her dad only throws money at her because he feels guilty). Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, makes me so angry, it has been me and my money thrown at that ungrateful chit. With absolutely NO GUILT attached. Just a desire to help, but I think that desire has gone away.....lol
So I have resolved that is the end of me helping out with money. I will gladly watch the boys when I can, but that's it.
Same with my stepson, who wrecked his car for the 3rd time. The repairs can't be complete until a part comes in on national back order, and I'll be damned if I am paying for a rental for him. I paid for his car, his insurance, and the deductible on the repairs the first two times.
I am telling you what, parenting adult children is difficult, and I hope I didn't take so much for granted from my parents!
But I am not doing a good job of it. I suppose this is more of a rant then anything else, and I freely admit to being very crabby the past week.
She has moved in with my sister in law while she waits for govt. Assistance in finding a place of her own for her and the two boys.
My sister in law is going above and beyond, helping her get organized, feeding my grandsons, bathing them and putting them to sleep while my step daughter is at work. She works in retail and many times she has hours that start at 2pm or 4pm and end around 11pm.
This week they asked my step daughter to work six days in a row, so I am helping watch my five year old and two year old grandsons. In fact, in a little bit I am treating them to a trip to Chuckee Cheese!
However, my stepdaughter was supposed to go sign up for free GED classes today, and she told my sister in law that she had been feeling sick and was going to go next week. Also, when she dropped off her boys for me to watch just now, I asked my grandson how school was today, and apparently she didn't drag her butt out of bed to get him to school, so he missed school. He just started kindergarten last week.
It makes me so angry that she is so irresponsible, and I am not even sure why I am getting so angry. Maybe because she just seems so ungrateful for the help we have given her? I don't know how the two are connected, but I do believe it is dumb for me to get worked up over this.
If you recall any of the history from my earlier posts, then some of this will be familiar to you. Many of you told me time to take the tough love approach, but I sort only took half a tough love approach. The day we moved her out of our rental, her car broke down, so we paid to get it repaired so she could get to work and take her son to school. Then we had to pay a $370.00 past due electric bill so that our new tenants could have electricity. (and she confided to my sister in law that her dad only throws money at her because he feels guilty). Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, makes me so angry, it has been me and my money thrown at that ungrateful chit. With absolutely NO GUILT attached. Just a desire to help, but I think that desire has gone away.....lol
So I have resolved that is the end of me helping out with money. I will gladly watch the boys when I can, but that's it.
Same with my stepson, who wrecked his car for the 3rd time. The repairs can't be complete until a part comes in on national back order, and I'll be damned if I am paying for a rental for him. I paid for his car, his insurance, and the deductible on the repairs the first two times.
I am telling you what, parenting adult children is difficult, and I hope I didn't take so much for granted from my parents!
Now my friend.
You know the answer.
Don't get upset when I say, get a life!
You are getting something out of this drama...think about it.
Hope you will respond, I am truly interested as I have adult children who are making it by the grace of God.
I don't know why...I do have a life, a very busy life. I think I am too close to the situation to have clarity for myself. I also think sometimes I get crabby about my life in general, the daily responsibilities, the little things tend to irritate me while the big things I handle much better. That saying, "don't sweat the small stuff." should be my daily inner dialogue. Lol
I don't know why...I do have a life, a very busy life. I think I am too close to the situation to have clarity for myself. I also think sometimes I get crabby about my life in general, the daily responsibilities, the little things tend to irritate me while the big things I handle much better. That saying, "don't sweat the small stuff." should be my daily inner dialogue. Lol
Believe me, if you don't stop enabling her now you will regret it. My brother is 48 years old, married with a son that just graduated HS. My parents have been supporting this family for years because my brother can't seem to get off his arse and get a job. They did this for fear if they didn't they wouldn't be able to see their Grandson. So now, years later, I have estimated they have spent 250K supporting them and they have not gotten a penny back and they also get absolutely no respect from my brother or his wife. My sister and I have told them over and over that they need to stop, but we can't force them. If this is the kind of life you want keep doing what you are doing. Only you can change the situation.
No, is a complete sentence. Your enabling is hurting your adult children, not helping them.
Set your bounderies make them clear, and if an attempt is made to overstep them, don't fold, stick to them. Bounderies are put in place to protect you, however the end result is that it helps and does not hinder others.
I don't know why...I do have a life, a very busy life. I think I am too close to the situation to have clarity for myself. I also think sometimes I get crabby about my life in general, the daily responsibilities, the little things tend to irritate me while the big things I handle much better. That saying, "don't sweat the small stuff." should be my daily inner dialogue. Lol
But it is not small stuff, it is stuff that is taking the energy away from your life.
And this is your life to live, your time to live. You have to decide that you are deserving of that.
Develop a script that you use when you talk to them, don't deviate from it. Good for you for taking a hard look.
No, is a complete sentence. Your enabling is hurting your adult children, not helping them.
Set your bounderies make them clear, and if an attempt is made to overstep them, don't fold, stick to them. Bounderies are put in place to protect you, however the end result is that it helps and does not hinder others.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
I agree, and in all fairness, my stepson has not pushed any boundaries, I was just being a crabby mom about the car situation. He hasn't asked me to rent a car for him. In fact he is moving in the right direction. He has a job, goes to college, and is paying for his apartment and entertainment. That was our deal actually, hubby and I pay for college, if he wanted to move out, he had to pay for it. AND I know that by being "carless" by driving "carelessly" perhaps the pain of having to figure out how to get everywhere while his car is in the shop (over a month and a half so far) he will take more "care" when he does get his "car."
The stepdaughter....we never really set any firm boundaries, perhaps that is the issue to begin with. Knowing that she is living with my sister in law, even if temporarily, gives me a small measure of comfort thinking that someone is influencing her in a positive light while we distance ourselves.
But it is not small stuff, it is stuff that is taking the energy away from your life.
And this is your life to live, your time to live. You have to decide that you are deserving of that.
Develop a script that you use when you talk to them, don't deviate from it. Good for you for taking a hard look.
Mt 7, thank you for your insight. Actually, I really do waste a lot of energy fussing with the small things. It is an attitude/personality trait of mine. In order for me to relax, I feel like I have to get a certain amount of things accomplished each day, and when I don't, often times I get frustrated and stressed. If I am not paying attention, I easily get sucked into this daily vortex and pattern, so I try to counter it with little pep talks and attitude adjustments. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't.
One thing that did hit me just now was that I used the phrase "trying to" and that needs to stop. I am going to distance myself from my stepdaughter. I am no longer going to "try". That is much more concrete.
She isn't listening to my advice, she is surrounded by a group of friends who have brought her down, but she loves them because they accept her bad behavior. Instead of holding her up to some type of standards, any type at all, they continually kiss her ass and tell her she is wonderful, despite dragging her kids around without any structure or daily routine etc etc. While I understand it has been her decision to break up her family, and her decision to smoke pot, and her decision to start smoking cigarettes, and her decision to quit going to GED classes, I honestly believe that she would NOT have done half of these things if she had friends who had some standards. That is why she quit coming to me, or my sister in laws for advise or get togethers, because she knew she wasn't going to like what she heard. She is living in her own reality, not facing it. She is a master of telling people what they want to hear, and I believe talking to her is fruitless right now, but I do admit that it is very difficult to watch her make these decisions and not give advice or admonish.....you know, like a parent does....but MT7 you are right, since she isn't listening, it is a huge waste of my time And energy.
My ex Mother in Law had an interesting system. She let her kids borrow as much as they wanted. She kept a ledger keeping track of who owes what. She made sure that when she passed, this was used when it came time for inheritance. Wanna borrow all of it now? Fine, but you may end up getting nothing when I'm gone.
I still don't know if I agree with this though. What if you die in debt?
Her kids must have hit her up daily....
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