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Sounds like you've been manipulated by the SD's husband and you fell for it. Darn shame you enabled these two to the point that they don't have a life separate from you and your husband. They should have been able to start their lives without constant dependence and now interference from you and hubby. Now you're doing everything you can to still control them---drug testing adults?!?!? You and your husband like having the power over them, like them living in your house, like them depending on income from your company.
You clearly chose the wrong side. He isn't stable. All of his manipulating that you didn't see is proof that he isn't stable. Now that it didn't work out---he lost his wife when he thought the manipulating would control her to be what he wanted her to be---and he has a gun and wants to end it all. He sounds like a family murder/suicide waiting to happen. I'm sure every family that lost a daughter, gradnchildren thought something like that wouldn't happent to them.
All of this over stories of marijuana. Wow. Marijuana is not that big of a deal. And your comments about her friends being "barely legal drinking age" makes you sound so petty. They are legal.
Honestly, I'm glad she found new friends. You say she has only known them a year, like that's a bad thing. It sounds like this girl needed to get away from the influences in her world that you and your husband made so small by keeping her under your control. It's a shame there are children involved in this mess, but you have to acknowledge that you helped create this mess.
Yes Hopes, I was manipulated by the husband. I never did trust either one of them 100% and figured they were both either outright lying or spinning the truth, or lying through omission. I however did HOPE that he was at least more stable than she was....hoping someone is going to do the right thing by their children and willing to support someone who is does not make me a control freak.
Yes Hopes, I have enabled them both, by accepting them and trying to become a small part of their lives. I am never UP IN THEIR business, if I were, I think perhaps I might have known about the pot a lot sooner. I gave them space to live their lives....I think you are confusing monetary help and control.....the only thing I EXPECTED in return for my monetary help was for them to live a good life, better themsleves, and eventually become less dependent on our help.
The pot is not that big of a deal, fine, that's YOUR OPINION. It's illegal and if either one of them gets drug tested at any time, they lose their jobs and potentially their kids. But hey, everyone does it, right?
I'm afraid that you have gotten the wrong idea, we aren't controlling them, we don't even spend that much time with them, in fact, I think THAT is our biggest mistake so far. Perhaps if we had them over more often, did more family things together, made them feel more a part of the family, then they would not have gotten to the point they are now, where the SD has isolated herself from all of us and not come to any of us for help.
And my point about the barely legal age for drinking was mainly to point out that these youngsters are acting like TEENAGERS. Honestly, if you knew me you would know I'm not petty, even if I am coming across that way.
And yes, I worried he was actually holding her and the boys at gun point this weekend....I went and checked on her and she was fine and he really was out of state.
I have not made her world small....I was worried that since they only had one car, she was completely dependent upon him, and THAT was making her world small, so we got her a car so that she would have some independence from him. We encouraged her to take her GED classes, and offered to watch the boys while she was going. In the beginning, WE DIDN'T even want them to get married, we wanted her to finish high school and not feel RUSHED or pushed or trapped into marrying him. And it goes on, and I could defend myself against your accusations and waste a lot of my time, so I'm not going to continue. LOL
I'm confused and worried, disappointed and angry. I actually haven't DONE anything to this point but listen to both the SD and her husband talk. I haven't enforced any rule about living in our rental house, just thrown ideas around in my head (and on this forum for feedback.)
But it's OK, It's next to impossible to give a clear idea of the entire situation on a forum like this, and I am willing to accept that I have contributed to the situation by being too helpful, and I am coming to the conclusion that I don't think we should do anything, except perhaps quit helping out monetarily.
The pot is not that big of a deal, fine, that's YOUR OPINION. It's illegal and if either one of them gets drug tested at any time, they lose their jobs and potentially their kids. But hey, everyone does it, right?
They lose their jobs---her husband works for YOU. They potentially lose their kids---Marijuana Mother Can Keep Kids - child protective services Courts are continually ruling that marijuana smoking in itself is not grounds for losing children. This husband is a piece of work. He blabs to you about her smoking marijuana when he's smoking it too.
My point is that you are letting marijuana cloud your ability to see the bigger problems. Yeah, it's a big deal, but it's not a bigger deal than the need to focus on the dynamics in their relationship that was causing the marriage to crumble. You let him manipulate you with the marijuana stories. Because of that, you failed to see what was really happening in the relationship.
If he's manipulating you, just imagine living with him as a wife. Just look at what he has done to her! Look where he is now: he has the job with her family, he lives in a house owned by her family, and he has the children. She's out on the streets, homeless without a job, and no children. Look at what you let him accomplish!
Quote:
Originally Posted by addicted2helping
And my point about the barely legal age for drinking was mainly to point out that these youngsters are acting like TEENAGERS.
Young adults do act like teenagers. They're finally legal to drink and they tend to take it to the extreme because they finally can.
Quote:
Originally Posted by addicted2helping
And yes, I worried he was actually holding her and the boys at gun point this weekend....I went and checked on her and she was fine and he really was out of state.
You should continue to worry. The mere fact he threatened something like that means there is a potential future risk. Meanwhile, you think he is the more stable one to have custody of the children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by addicted2helping
I'm confused and worried, disappointed and angry. I actually haven't DONE anything to this point but listen to both the SD and her husband talk. I haven't enforced any rule about living in our rental house, just thrown ideas around in my head (and on this forum for feedback.)
I can understand why she feels you took his side. You listened to him for so long without going to her for her side of the story. And because of that you were manipulated by him.
You go on and on about her not working. Well, if you can give him a job, why can't you have give your own daughter a job? Just food for thought.
Quote:
Originally Posted by addicted2helping
But it's OK, It's next to impossible to give a clear idea of the entire situation on a forum like this, and I am willing to accept that I have contributed to the situation by being too helpful, and I am coming to the conclusion that I don't think we should do anything, except perhaps quit helping out monetarily.
The ideal situation would have been for him to move out of the house and pay her child support and alimony. You view her as lazy because she didn't get her GED and never worked. Well, she was a SAHM. Legally, she has a right to be financially provided for until she acquires the education and/or skills to provide for herself. And that legal responsibility rests with her husband, who now somehow has managed to secure their housing and also their children from her.
They lose their jobs---her husband works for YOU. They potentially lose their kids---Marijuana Mother Can Keep Kids - child protective services Courts are continually ruling that marijuana smoking in itself is not grounds for losing children. This husband is a piece of work. He blabs to you about her smoking marijuana when he's smoking it too.
My point is that you are letting marijuana cloud your ability to see the bigger problems. Yeah, it's a big deal, but it's not a bigger deal than the need to focus on the dynamics in their relationship that was causing the marriage to crumble. You let him manipulate you with the marijuana stories. Because of that, you failed to see what was really happening in the relationship.
If he's manipulating you, just imagine living with him as a wife. Just look at what he has done to her! Look where he is now: he has the job with her family, he lives in a house owned by her family, and he has the children. She's out on the streets, homeless without a job, and no children. Look at what you let him accomplish!
Young adults do act like teenagers. They're finally legal to drink and they tend to take it to the extreme because they finally can.
You should continue to worry. The mere fact he threatened something like that means there is a potential future risk. Meanwhile, you think he is the more stable one to have custody of the children.
I can understand why she feels you took his side. You listened to him for so long without going to her for her side of the story. And because of that you were manipulated by him.
You go on and on about her not working. Well, if you can give him a job, why can't you have give your own daughter a job? Just food for thought.
The ideal situation would have been for him to move out of the house and pay her child support and alimony. You view her as lazy because she didn't get her GED and never worked. Well, she was a SAHM. Legally, she has a right to be financially provided for until she acquires the education and/or skills to provide for herself. And that legal responsibility rests with her husband, who now somehow has managed to secure their housing and also their children from her.
Hopes, first off I do pay her for a job, she cleans my house and I pay her cash money. In fact, she continues to do so despite all that is going on. In addition, I have told both of them to stay in the house, that neither one of them need to leave.
The pot is not clouding my mind, I am equally upset AT BOTH OF THEM for that.
The reason I go "on and on" about her not having a job is because she is separating and thinks money is going to fall from the sky! She has not planned a thing out, just reacting on her emotions without a shred of common sense.
It has nothing to do with being lazy and everyhting to do with the ability to think past your feelings and make a plan that might actually work.
As for the lazy part, and the SAHM stuff, I don't even want to hear it. If I could do all that I did when I had little toddlers, she can darn well get her butt off to GED classes....the babies weren't stopping her, we offered to babysit.
I think it's possible that you have a reading problem....I just posted that I was at a loss because now apparently neither one of them have a stable bone in their body, and yet you continue to harp on and on about how unfair I have been to my SD because I'm picking sides against her. I am trying to support rational, reasonable, adult-like common sense decisions, regardless of who is making them. For the most part, the husband appeared to be making them, but now it is evident that he isn't either.
I am and have been this girl's biggest DEFENDER and CHAMPION when everyone else wanted to brush her off, my husband included. At least I am still here trying to help her....her mother isn't here offering any help, isn't offering for her to come live with her and help her....don't be so quick to judge me, I'm the one on this forum looking for help for my SD and my grandkids, not anyone else involved in this situation.
I am never UP IN THEIR business, if I were, I think perhaps I might have known about the pot a lot sooner. I gave them space to live their lives....I think you are confusing monetary help and control.....the only thing I EXPECTED in return for my monetary help was for them to live a good life, better themsleves, and eventually become less dependent on our help.
I do see the situation in this precise light, - I think you are a very decent and caring person. You seem to be the one who still cares about this young woman and her children, when all others gave up. Not everyone would give their real estate property to be used by stepchildren. And you didn't meddle in their day-to-day lives, unlike others who'd feel entitled to. You offered a job to the head of the household which is a huge plus in this economy. All your posts are genuine worry about the situation and how to find the best way.
I am not sure who should stay in the house, though. Neither seem to be deserving, except for the grandkids. Your SD reminds me about that very old "Dr Phil's family" where Alexandra started having kids at 15 and the last I heard at 22 or so she was pregnant with the 4th. The way she was immune to any comprehension of life-parenting-sex-responsibility, is the way I perceive your SD. Alexandra's parents were helping her (because of the babies), you are helping out your SD because of the younglings. That Alexandra enraged many in the country, but she still didn't seem to get it?
I knew a real family where the girl started having kids at 18 and was basically messed up between drugs and boyfriends. Over the course of 10 years, almost everyone in her family, - her brother, her birth dad, herself - were deeply into drugs and the kids were taken from her.
When I read that your SD is willing to move out -- away from her kids -- I see something tragic and irreversible there. Mothers that give up their kids THAT easily? Her brain is wired very badly. Not sure if anything can help her, she may be one of those who never get the partying out of their system, and seeing their kids once in a while is plenty enough for them.
Mt-7 is saying that you are addicted to the drama.
OH, I see. I thought perhaps that was what MT was implying.
Actually, the drama drives me nuts, I am a very non-drama type for the most part. MY SD and her husband, different story...she always has drama.
I was also curious about the quit part....is MT saying I should just quit being a part of my SD's life, quit helping, quit worrying? Quitting is about the only thing I haven't done.
I honestly don't know what the right move is. To quit on her seems so cold, to give up on her when she's at such a low point.....BUT on the flip side, helping her the way I have only seems to have enabled her.
I do see the situation in this precise light, - I think you are a very decent and caring person. You seem to be the one who still cares about this young woman and her children, when all others gave up. Not everyone would give their real estate property to be used by stepchildren. And you didn't meddle in their day-to-day lives, unlike others who'd feel entitled to. You offered a job to the head of the household which is a huge plus in this economy. All your posts are genuine worry about the situation and how to find the best way.
I am not sure who should stay in the house, though. Neither seem to be deserving, except for the grandkids. Your SD reminds me about that very old "Dr Phil's family" where Alexandra started having kids at 15 and the last I heard at 22 or so she was pregnant with the 4th. The way she was immune to any comprehension of life-parenting-sex-responsibility, is the way I perceive your SD. Alexandra's parents were helping her (because of the babies), you are helping out your SD because of the younglings. That Alexandra enraged many in the country, but she still didn't seem to get it?
I knew a real family where the girl started having kids at 18 and was basically messed up between drugs and boyfriends. Over the course of 10 years, almost everyone in her family, - her brother, her birth dad, herself - were deeply into drugs and the kids were taken from her.
When I read that your SD is willing to move out -- away from her kids -- I see something tragic and irreversible there. Mothers that give up their kids THAT easily? Her brain is wired very badly. Not sure if anything can help her, she may be one of those who never get the partying out of their system, and seeing their kids once in a while is plenty enough for them.
Thank you Nuala for that vote of confidence. Clearly I am at a loss as to what to do at this stage. My SD has already put so much distance between us and the entire family, and surrounded herself by her posse of new friends....she brought them to the family reunion and they proceeded to get in an argument with a family member, it was ugly. I was not there at the time, I was in the bathroom or something, so I missed all the details.....
It's hard to know what the right thing to do is, and she hasn't left her kids, she still watches them when she's not working. All three of us (she, her husband and myself) all felt like the boys should stay in their home and the parents should be the one's shuffling if need be.
I never told her to leave the house, I have encouraged her to stay there, just to sleep in a different room....she's the one who insists she can't be in the house with her husband and avoid arguing....but she hasn't completely given up on the boys.....
I think she is lost too, but she won't let us help.
Sorry it took a little while for me to get back on.
I was just spending time with a niece who keeps her folks on a tennis court with all the batting the ball back and forth. She knows I do not play that game. We keep the conversation light and polite.
Now I am going to tell you some things that you might not like. I hope you can see the wisdom and do not react out of emotion.
Every post you write is full of "I"
I do not want her to. I pay her for. I rent her a house. I tell her to stay married.
What do you think gives you the right or the responsibility for this woman's life? Relieve yourself of this right now. Take yourself out of it. If you cannot you are obsessed and that my dear is just not healthy.
Can you do this? I know there are children involved but you are carrying this person on a satin pillow. Hey if you want to do that for someone else there are loads of people who would take advantage of you. You have too much information. When she comes crying to you say, wow I have a doctor, salon, massage appointment, can I get back to you later?
Good luck.
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thank you
