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addicted2helping....you are what your name says......there really is no reason to feel that you need to parent adult children...Once they're adults, it's no longer parenting...more like mollycoddling
Mt 7, thank you for your insight. Actually, I really do waste a lot of energy fussing with the small things. It is an attitude/personality trait of mine. In order for me to relax, I feel like I have to get a certain amount of things accomplished each day, and when I don't, often times I get frustrated and stressed. If I am not paying attention, I easily get sucked into this daily vortex and pattern, so I try to counter it with little pep talks and attitude adjustments. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't.
One thing that did hit me just now was that I used the phrase "trying to" and that needs to stop. I am going to distance myself from my stepdaughter. I am no longer going to "try". That is much more concrete.
She isn't listening to my advice, she is surrounded by a group of friends who have brought her down, but she loves them because they accept her bad behavior. Instead of holding her up to some type of standards, any type at all, they continually kiss her ass and tell her she is wonderful, despite dragging her kids around without any structure or daily routine etc etc. While I understand it has been her decision to break up her family, and her decision to smoke pot, and her decision to start smoking cigarettes, and her decision to quit going to GED classes, I honestly believe that she would NOT have done half of these things if she had friends who had some standards. That is why she quit coming to me, or my sister in laws for advise or get togethers, because she knew she wasn't going to like what she heard. She is living in her own reality, not facing it. She is a master of telling people what they want to hear, and I believe talking to her is fruitless right now, but I do admit that it is very difficult to watch her make these decisions and not give advice or admonish.....you know, like a parent does....but MT7 you are right, since she isn't listening, it is a huge waste of my time And energy.
Great, you are really looking deep into this now, I know at some point I had to really and truly give up the idea that I had any control.
Focus on what you can control. Prayer helps!
But I am not doing a good job of it. I suppose this is more of a rant then anything else, and I freely admit to being very crabby the past week.
She has moved in with my sister in law while she waits for govt. Assistance in finding a place of her own for her and the two boys.
My sister in law is going above and beyond, helping her get organized, feeding my grandsons, bathing them and putting them to sleep while my step daughter is at work. She works in retail and many times she has hours that start at 2pm or 4pm and end around 11pm.
This week they asked my step daughter to work six days in a row, so I am helping watch my five year old and two year old grandsons. In fact, in a little bit I am treating them to a trip to Chuckee Cheese!
However, my stepdaughter was supposed to go sign up for free GED classes today, and she told my sister in law that she had been feeling sick and was going to go next week. Also, when she dropped off her boys for me to watch just now, I asked my grandson how school was today, and apparently she didn't drag her butt out of bed to get him to school, so he missed school. He just started kindergarten last week.
It makes me so angry that she is so irresponsible, and I am not even sure why I am getting so angry. Maybe because she just seems so ungrateful for the help we have given her? I don't know how the two are connected, but I do believe it is dumb for me to get worked up over this.
If you recall any of the history from my earlier posts, then some of this will be familiar to you. Many of you told me time to take the tough love approach, but I sort only took half a tough love approach. The day we moved her out of our rental, her car broke down, so we paid to get it repaired so she could get to work and take her son to school. Then we had to pay a $370.00 past due electric bill so that our new tenants could have electricity. (and she confided to my sister in law that her dad only throws money at her because he feels guilty). Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, makes me so angry, it has been me and my money thrown at that ungrateful chit. With absolutely NO GUILT attached. Just a desire to help, but I think that desire has gone away.....lol
So I have resolved that is the end of me helping out with money. I will gladly watch the boys when I can, but that's it.
Same with my stepson, who wrecked his car for the 3rd time. The repairs can't be complete until a part comes in on national back order, and I'll be damned if I am paying for a rental for him. I paid for his car, his insurance, and the deductible on the repairs the first two times.
I am telling you what, parenting adult children is difficult, and I hope I didn't take so much for granted from my parents!
Oxymoron???
I think your problem is that you've failed to realize that you should no longer be parenting them once they reach adulthood. You don't stop being her parents but the act or verb of parenting, that part is over, and until you can come to terms with that you will continue to experience these frustrations.
You can still be a shoulder to cry on during the tough times and lend a HAND, but don't lend your whole arm. And don't do more than she is willing to do for herself.
However, the part about her not sending your grandson to school is very concerning. But you said your not sure why your upset about something so dumb?? I'm confused.
I think your problem is that you've failed to realize that you should no longer be parenting them once they reach adulthood. You don't stop being her parents but the act or verb of parenting, that part is over, and until you can come to terms with that you will continue to experience these frustrations.
You can still be a shoulder to cry on during the tough times and lend a HAND, but don't lend your whole arm. And don't do more than she is willing to do for herself.
However, the part about her not sending your grandson to school is very concerning. But you said your not sure why your upset about something so dumb?? I'm confused.
I don't know why I said that, it is upsetting that she is already NOT taking him to school so early on in the school year.
I had a moment of clarity after talking to a long time family friend who also has adult step kids. I will post about it later, but right now I have to take the younger kids to golf lessons.
Thank you everyone for your input to date, it really does help.
I think you have to remind yourself that this is your stepdaughter not your daughter. She has two parents. Do they invest this much time an energy into her? I doubt it. If she screws up and the oldest misses too much school she will get in trouble. Let there be natural consequences. You seriously need to butt out and back off. It's just too much. Stop.
I think you have to remind yourself that this is your stepdaughter not your daughter. She has two parents. Do they invest this much time an energy into her? I doubt it. If she screws up and the oldest misses too much school she will get in trouble. Let there be natural consequences. You seriously need to butt out and back off. It's just too much. Stop.
I am not going to base my level of care about the people I love on some comparison chart with the other people in her/their lives. Ridiculous to suggest really. I have been stepmom for 15 years now, this is not a "your the stepmom butt out moment"
I am watching someone I love and care about spiral down. I see her not caring about anything, especially her children. I am reaching clarity that there is probably nothing I can do, it's like a drug addict or smoker, they have to want to make a change, and she most certainly does not. I have contemplated one last "lecture" a raw, lay it out on the table type of declaration, and/or I might suggest to my sister in laws that we do an intervention. I wouldn't be doing it because I thought it would make a difference, because frankly, I dont think it would. My step daughter is living in her own world, in which she thinks the only people who care about her are her friends. She is lying to herself so that she doesn't have to be accountable for her actions, and the biggest losers are my grandsons. BUT, the point I was trying to make was that I would only do this last lecture or intervention to know in my heart that I did everything I could before giving up. She wants to throw her life down the tubes and pretend her boys are happy, fine, but at least I tried my best and said my piece. Up till now I have been diplomatic, trying the honey vs. Vinegar routine.
In the end I have to wake up each day and live with MY actions, can I look in the mirror and see a person with no regrets?
That you are suggesting that I should be apathetic, because golly gee, her Mom certainly doesn't care.....why it's just ridiculous. I want to be able to respect myself.
You say her life is spiraling out of control, but didn't you say earlier that she got pregnant at 15 and did not do anything she was supposed to do in terms of getting GED, etc. This does not sound like anything new. Put all of your energy into being there for the boys. They will be more receptive to your involvement than she will be. Offer to take them on weekends, take them to the library, hug them a lot... They are the victims here. Did you ever think this stepdaughter has been acting out like crazy as a result of having intrusive and highly controlling parents/steparents.
Gimme,
Yes, my stepdaughter has NOT been stellar at life choices, and while I might come across as highly intrusive and controlling on this forum, the reality is that where she is concerned, I have not been. I have discussed a lot of things on this thread, such as drug testing or not, but the reality is that I did not drug test her and never even suggested that to her. I thought about it, discussed it, decided against it.
It is highly likely that she is acting out for all sorts of things that happened to her as a child, but I have been a good step mother, and I never once tried to diminish or take away the bond and role of her mother.
I find it frustrating that my concern and desire to help her is viewed as controlling and intrusive. Controlling and intrusive would be someone who is constantly in her face and business, and believe me, there is a lot of space. We have had the boys (grandsons) over three times in the past week or so to help out while she works. That is the only time I saw my stepdaughter and talked to her a total of 10 minutes about general things. This has been the nature of our relationship for the last five years, in fact, I keep wondering that maybe if we invited them over more often, they would not have fallen in with this crowd of friends or been so influenced by them. My desire to help her mainly stems from concern about the grandsons. Kids need schedule and structure, they function better when there is a routine they can depend on. She is all over the place, dragging those boys around to hang out at friends houses, putting them to bed at crazy hours etc. If she were just doing all of this to herself, it wouldn't be quite so difficult for me to just let it go.
I am not going to deny that I am controlling, because I am, I like to plan and schedule, organize and do things my way, but my relationship with my step kids has never really included that. I don't know how to show that here on a forum, and I dislike feeling defensive, but there you have it.
I mainly come here to vent, bounce ideas, and get input or advice from other parents of adults, but not many have really shared any of their experiences and how it turned out for them. I have found that usually the most useful advice comes from people who have been in a similar situation. I would say that my biggest faults in all of this have been and continue to be that of enablling. There are still two ways we help her financially, and I need to apply the tough love, can't quite work up the nerve to do it though.
When she moved here two or three years ago with her family, we gave her a gas card and told her she could fill up once a week with it. We also have a family cell phone plan and she is on that plan. I don't do the "heavy" well, but I really need to build up my resolve on that end.
It may not seem this way, but I actually really dislike confrontation, and I spend a lot of time being diplomatic. I realize this is actually a self centered and selfish way to be, that having a backbone when needed is the most mature way to be, guess I still have some growing to do.
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a moment of clarity
