Wife wants 5th child but I don't - marriage killer? (childcare, maternity)
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We have 4 great children. We started have kids late, our oldest is 8, then 4 (large gap I know), then 3, then 1. History has been we struggled to get pregnant the first time and my wife had to take meds to help her ovulate. I didn't feel like we were financially ready to have our first, but we did and it worked out fine. Our second we were not in a good place in our marriage, just not close and I felt like it should be over. In the end we worked it out and had second. The third we were both kinda surprised and were feeling pretty comfortable with two. My wife was afraid to tell me she was pragnant with our third, but I was perfectly fine with it. Then our fourth came as a complete surprise to us both and both of us wanted to really stop at 3. She was emotional about her body and not wanting to go through it all again. I was just feeling like we were good with 3. We both had mentally closed the door on more babies. In the end we came around and had our 4th. After that we were vocal to one another and others that we were done. This is where I should have had my vosectomy. I didn't and surprise we got pragnant again. You'd think we don't understand how these babies are made at this point. Again we were floored and didn't want to have another baby, so much so we even talked about terminating the pragnancy (terrible I know). We both came to our senses and knew we couldn't live with that, so it was on again. Time to get your mind ready for yet another baby. Then a week later my wife had a micarriage. This was bad news for us both, but frankly hit her way harder than it did me.
The fifth pragnancy happened before my 4th child was even one. So months have went by and my wife was on the fence when people would ask if we're having more. I on the other hand would a firmly say no more. Then my wife had a dream about being pragnant and I thought it brought back all her sadness. So I was being as supportive as possible and bought flowers and a card to let her know I'm here for her. Turns out her sadness was because she really wants a baby largely because she lost the 5th. Stating if I could just understand how she feels inside I would want one too.
I'll be 41 this year and she'll be 38. I've told her I don't want anymore kids because I will already be in my mid 60 or even 70 with a child still living in the home. I don't want the expense, the stress, the risk of an unhealthy baby, and I want a life after kids in the house. A little bit at least. Oh, and I also had to change our insurance and now we don't have maternity coverage.
None of this matters to my wife. She is on a personal mission to get this baby. She says she loves me and our family, but we are at extreme odds on this. Today she told me she is sick of me making all the decisions, which is news to me, and that she wants out. Sighting that I didn't let her baptize the kids the cathonic way (she's cathonic I'm not) and now I won't have another baby.
I'm feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Just 5 days ago we were painting and getting our 4th child's newly built room together and now I'm on my way to divorce? Really??
She feels counseling won't change either of our conflicting desires. She's just done and bringing up everything wrong just to justify it.
I'm devastated, scared for my kids and don't know what to do. I want to keep this thing together, but after listening to her maybe even having another child wouldn't keep this thing together. Very confused!!!
Boy. I'd have it out right then and there. There are some women who will get pregnant on purpose and pretend it's an accident. Sorry to say that, but my wife knows of a few.
Yes, it really sounds like she is going through something very serious emotionally. Would she be up for counseling?
The fact that you don't have maternity coverage would make most people see to reason. But she may be having some post-traumatic stress from the miscarriage. That plus the stress from trying to care for small children that age may be overwhelming to her. Does she have help with childcare?
It also sounds like she has held some resentment toward you for a very long time. I would try to get a professional involved.
Actually, the miscarriage was just a couple months ago if that's the pragnancy you're referring to. Can you have post-partum after a couple months pragnant and losing the baby? I didn't think that was possible.
DO NOT have another baby. That will solve nothing. I'd suggest counseling. If it turns out you can't work things out, divorce will be hard enough with four kids let alone 5.
I mean I can see her being upset since she was pregnant with her 5th and now after she lost the baby you change your mind. I mean if you wanted to stop at 3 why didn't you take preventive measures?
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