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We have 4 great children. We started have kids late, our oldest is 8, then 4 (large gap I know), then 3, then 1. History has been we struggled to get pregnant the first time and my wife had to take meds to help her ovulate. I didn't feel like we were financially ready to have our first, but we did and it worked out fine. Our second we were not in a good place in our marriage, just not close and I felt like it should be over. In the end we worked it out and had second. The third we were both kinda surprised and were feeling pretty comfortable with two. My wife was afraid to tell me she was pragnant with our third, but I was perfectly fine with it. Then our fourth came as a complete surprise to us both and both of us wanted to really stop at 3. She was emotional about her body and not wanting to go through it all again. I was just feeling like we were good with 3. We both had mentally closed the door on more babies. In the end we came around and had our 4th. After that we were vocal to one another and others that we were done. This is where I should have had my vosectomy. I didn't and surprise we got pragnant again. You'd think we don't understand how these babies are made at this point. Again we were floored and didn't want to have another baby, so much so we even talked about terminating the pragnancy (terrible I know). We both came to our senses and knew we couldn't live with that, so it was on again. Time to get your mind ready for yet another baby. Then a week later my wife had a micarriage. This was bad news for us both, but frankly hit her way harder than it did me.
The fifth pragnancy happened before my 4th child was even one. So months have went by and my wife was on the fence when people would ask if we're having more. I on the other hand would a firmly say no more. Then my wife had a dream about being pragnant and I thought it brought back all her sadness. So I was being as supportive as possible and bought flowers and a card to let her know I'm here for her. Turns out her sadness was because she really wants a baby largely because she lost the 5th. Stating if I could just understand how she feels inside I would want one too.
I'll be 41 this year and she'll be 38. I've told her I don't want anymore kids because I will already be in my mid 60 or even 70 with a child still living in the home. I don't want the expense, the stress, the risk of an unhealthy baby, and I want a life after kids in the house. A little bit at least. Oh, and I also had to change our insurance and now we don't have maternity coverage.
None of this matters to my wife. She is on a personal mission to get this baby. She says she loves me and our family, but we are at extreme odds on this. Today she told me she is sick of me making all the decisions, which is news to me, and that she wants out. Sighting that I didn't let her baptize the kids the cathonic way (she's cathonic I'm not) and now I won't have another baby.
I'm feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Just 5 days ago we were painting and getting our 4th child's newly built room together and now I'm on my way to divorce? Really??
She feels counseling won't change either of our conflicting desires. She's just done and bringing up everything wrong just to justify it.
I'm devastated, scared for my kids and don't know what to do. I want to keep this thing together, but after listening to her maybe even having another child wouldn't keep this thing together. Very confused!!!
You need to talk to her, your Mother in Law, Your Mother, andyone that will help you get her to an OBGyn, she may be having postpartum depression, or just the depression and grieving that comes w/ miscarriage. The mood swings are a big red flag. Find some related to grief and loss of pregnancy. Hopefully she will work w/ you for the Dr. at least get that ruled out right away. I hope you two can work this out, people do not realize what a divorce means, often poverty for a woman and children. Keep us posted please. My prayers are w/ you and your wife.
I think a common feeling among stay at home moms is losing your individual identity. You become "Mom", and the other things fade away. I think for some women when you don't feel like you are good at being a mom, either feeling overwhelmed, or having a miscarriage, you feel like a failure at the one thing you are supposed to be good at. Most stay at home moms have to reinvent themselves, but it is very hard to do when your children are very young. Time out with friends, or just the 2 of you, vacations even if just a weekend, hobbies and interests, help around the house, etc are all going to help.
That being said, professional help must still be a top priority.
Do you think it is possible she blames herself for the miscarriage? You said in the beginning you both discussed termination. Do you think she feels more than the usual guilt over this?
I also wanted to point out that, even though we mostly agree, she's not thinking clearly because of the hormones and/or PPD, SHE thinks she's fine. With some time for her hormones to regulate, and some therapy and possibly antidepressants, she will come to see that she wasn't being rational. But right now, she doesn't know that, so tread lightly.
Can you see me shaking my finger at you through the ether?
You're too hung up on how "unstable" she is. Think about the reason she's "unstable". Which I don't think she is. I think she's just had it up to here with a whole bunch of things. Including having no power in your marriage. And maybe you.
Where's her power? As a mother.
So what does she want to do again?
Be a mother.
Now go take one of those three mile walks and THINK. Not about you. About HER.
BTW: I vote for counseling as well. But not one you pick. Let her decide who you go see. Let that be her choice. Ask her if she'll go if she feels SHE'LL be listened to.
One more thing: You even controlled the decision on baptism? And she's a Catholic? Do you know how important Baptism is to a Catholic? If she's a Catholic you vetoed her wants for her children's SOULS.
Now go think again.
Such an excellent post! ...seriously, just great. Until you're ever in the position she's in, even without the loss of a child, you can not know the helplessness and powerlessness a person can feel.
I guess I've been over opinionated on things, mostly what we spend money on (according to her examples). I guess I'm shooting her requests down without any consideration, too often, or not in the right manner. Ok, that's valid. Not all the time, that's the part that I'm kind of shocked about, because I don't think it's THAT bad, but to her it seems to be..sooo.
She kept the level of how much this bothers her bottled up. Or this is just a symptom of whatever else is going on inside of her right now. Very unstable ground and unclear statements and actions going on right now.
Whatever you do, do not give in on having a 5th child if you don't want one. Especially, with the situation as voatile as it is. I'll be honest, if my dh gave me an ultimatim about something this important, I'd HELP him pack. I don't care what's going on with her. You don't demand that someone else agree to have another child or you'll tear your family apart. There is something really wrong with her. She's declared "It's MY WAY or the highway". Don't give in to this kind of emotional blackmail. You might want to meditate on what kind of person would subject you to emotional blackmail and ask yourself if that kind of person is someone you want as a partner.
The last thing you need in this mess is another child. Frankly, you're married to one right now.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 02-25-2012 at 04:36 AM..
Well put together post, the second one. Well said.
Ok, meditated, but I'm not sure what your ultimate point is. Have a child with this STABLE person, as you claim she is? I do think of HER, as HER, HER view. Let me give it a shot;
"If only you could understand what I feel inside, I think you would see just why and what this means to me. I can't put into words just now strongly this desire is to have another child. It's as strong as when I wanted our first child. A lot of it has to do with the miscarriage, but not all of it. I care about my family and I do love you, but this is what I deeply desire and feel I need and you're denying me that and I just can't take it. I feel my body telling me I'm not done having a child. I feel my only response to you not wanting a child is to end this, even though I know that will probably not get me what I want either so I loose either way."
So I take this and process it. I think what did I do wrong, how can we make this better. Should I just give in and agree to another child (seems like we'd all be happy then), even if I FEEL INSIDE a deep desire to NOT have any more. I really try to get to this place where I just suck it up and just say "Ok fine", but I just can't do it.
I'm trying to focus on what she's saying in between what she's saying. If you know what I'm saying .
I keep going back to the belief that our family and what we DO have if far greater and more important than one more child and I keep going back to pushing that FACT in hopes she'll see that FACT. I'm also trying to support positive changes and a new direction for our marriage if we do get past this. Showing willingness to work on improving the things that have fallen off or need to change. All this is where I want the mediation, the processing of emotions and logic (for both of us, not just her).
Well put together post, the second one. Well said.
Ok, meditated, but I'm not sure what your ultimate point is. Have a child with this STABLE person, as you claim she is? I do think of HER, as HER, HER view. Let me give it a shot;
"If only you could understand what I feel inside, I think you would see just why and what this means to me. I can't put into words just now strongly this desire is to have another child. It's as strong as when I wanted our first child. A lot of it has to do with the miscarriage, but not all of it. I care about my family and I do love you, but this is what I deeply desire and feel I need and you're denying me that and I just can't take it. I feel my body telling me I'm not done having a child. I feel my only response to you not wanting a child is to end this, even though I know that will probably not get me what I want either so I loose either way."
So I take this and process it. I think what did I do wrong, how can we make this better. Should I just give in and agree to another child (seems like we'd all be happy then), even if I FEEL INSIDE a deep desire to NOT have any more. I really try to get to this place where I just suck it up and just say "Ok fine", but I just can't do it.
I'm trying to focus on what she's saying in between what she's saying. If you know what I'm saying .
I keep going back to the belief that our family and what we DO have if far greater and more important than one more child and I keep going back to pushing that FACT in hopes she'll see that FACT. I'm also trying to support positive changes and a new direction for our marriage if we do get past this. Showing willingness to work on improving the things that have fallen off or need to change. All this is where I want the mediation, the processing of emotions and logic (for both of us, not just her).
The fact your wife is willing to put the four children she has through a divorce, knowing that that doesn't even get her her way, speaks volumes. She's intent on punishing you AND HER FOUR CHILDREN (I know they're yours too but she's not running for mother of the year here) for not giving her what she wants even though she still loses in the end. Let's, see if I have her logic right: You won't give me what I want, I can't get what I want by leaving and leaving would destroy my children's family but I don't care because leaving hurts you and I'm determined to hurt you because you didn't give me what I wanted. Am I close?
Do not even consider having a 5th child with her. If she destroys your family that is her choice and her choice alone. That she would destroy your family and hurt her own children in order to hurt you because she didn't get her way speaks volumes to the type of person she is. Remember, adversity doesn't create character. It only reveals it. Her character is being revealed. She IS the type of person who would hurt her own children, not to get her way, but to make sure she hurts the person she views as having denied her what she wants. Nice catch there. You have my sympathies. Please get yourself snipped before she has another "accident".
Your wife needs serious counseling. She needs to concentrate on the kids who are already here and how not to hurt them. The four children who are here matter more than the one who hasn't been born. At least they should. Apparently, they don't in her mind. They are just pawns to get what she wants because she knows YOU care enough to not want to hurt them. Using kids as pawns is wrong and that is what she's doing. It's not your fault if she decides do destroy her children's family. It's all on her.
I can identify because back when dd#1 was born, I wanted to take a year off. Dh did not want me staying home. I thought about leaving for the same reasons your wife gives. He wasn't considering my feelings in the matter. Then I realized that that wouldn't get me what I wanted. All it would do is make me a single working mom instead of a married one. So I looked at what I had instead of what I didn't have and went back to work. In doing so, I preserved my dd's family. I didn't get what I wanted but, when you're a mom, that's not what it's all about. My dd got what she needed. Both of her parents in the same household.
I, seriously, think you need to call her bluff. She is not looking at what she has. She's focusing on what she wants. You might want to explain to her that as a single mom to FOUR kids (unless she finds someone who wants to have #5 with her), she will not see her kids half of the time because they'll be with you. She'll, also, need a job to make ends meet and have medical insurance. And, frankly, few men want to date a woman with 4 kids as baggage so she's likely to end up alone. Her all or nothing attitude isn't going to serve her well. She needs to compromise and a dose of reality just might get her there.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 02-26-2012 at 04:04 AM..
The fact your wife is willing to put the four children she has through a divorce, knowing that that doesn't even get her her way, speaks volumes. She's intent on punishing you AND HER FOUR CHILDREN (I know they're yours too but she's not running for mother of the year here) for not giving her what she wants even though she still loses in the end. Let's, see if I have her logic right: You won't give me what I want, I can't get what I want by leaving and leaving would destroy my children's family but I don't care because leaving hurts you and I'm determined to hurt you because you didn't give me what I wanted. Am I close?
Do not even consider having a 5th child with her. If she destroys your family that is her choice and her choice alone. That she would destroy your family and hurt her own children in order to hurt you because she didn't get her way speaks volumes to the type of person she is. Remember, adversity doesn't create character. It only reveals it. Her character is being revealed. She IS the type of person who would hurt her own children, not to get her way, but to make sure she hurts the person she views as having denied her what she wants. Nice catch there. You have my sympathies. Please get yourself snipped before she has another "accident".
Your wife needs serious counseling. She needs to concentrate on the kids who are already here and how not to hurt them. The four children who are here matter more than the one who hasn't been born. At least they should. Apparently, they don't in her mind. They are just pawns to get what she wants because she knows YOU care enough to not want to hurt them. Using kids as pawns is wrong and that is what she's doing. It's not your fault if she decides do destroy her children's family. It's all on her.
I can identify because back when dd#1 was born, I wanted to take a year off. Dh did not want me staying home. I thought about leaving for the same reasons your wife gives. He wasn't considering my feelings in the matter. Then I realized that that wouldn't get me what I wanted. All it would do is make me a single working mom instead of a married one. So I looked at what I had instead of what I didn't have and went back to work. In doing so, I preserved my dd's family. I didn't get what I wanted but, when you're a mom, that's not what it's all about. My dd got what she needed. Both of her parents in the same household.
I, seriously, think you need to call her bluff. She is not looking at what she has. She's focusing on what she wants. You might want to explain to her that as a single mom to FOUR kids (unless she finds someone who wants to have #5 with her), she will not see her kids half of the time because they'll be with you. She'll, also, need a job to make ends meet and have medical insurance. And, frankly, few men want to date a woman with 4 kids as baggage so she's likely to end up alone. Her all or nothing attitude isn't going to serve her well. She needs to compromise and a dose of reality just might get her there.
I think you are way off in this post. And not at all understanding.
MrsFrank has just had a miscarriage, that is a huge element you are ignoring.
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Let's, see if I have her logic right: You won't give me what I want, I can't get what I want by leaving and leaving would destroy my children's family but I don't care because leaving hurts you and I'm determined to hurt you because you didn't give me what I wanted. Am I close?
