Wife wants 5th child but I don't - marriage killer? (party, children)
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PaulFrank, though I don't advocate ever bringing extended family into the mess, I'm wondering if your wife has discussed this with her mother/sister/whatever? If you know she has, would it be possible for you to talk to them (if they're in agreement with your own assessment of her and the situation).
It's not really good advice, but I'm wondering if she'll listen to someone else about this? It won't necessarily change her mind, but it may make her see that perhaps she's being a bit selfish and emotionally riding a roller coaster.
I know, people, don't jump all over me, I'm just grasping at something that may help.
After the Lawyer comment today, I did call her Dad and asked them to try to get her to talk. Claiming that they notice something is not right with her and that they're concerned. I'm reaching out in desperation at this point. When this first started I also spoke with her sister. I was just so floored and shocked and lost I just had to speak to someone. I walked 3 miles from our house to her sister's and just laid it out. I don't think they will help the situation though. It will also be a strike against me as well, cause I'm not allowed to talk to anyone I guess.
After the Lawyer comment today, I did call her Dad and asked them to try to get her to talk. Claiming that they notice something is not right with her and that they're concerned. I'm reaching out in desperation at this point. When this first started I also spoke with her sister. I was just so floored and shocked and lost I just had to speak to someone. I walked 3 miles from our house to her sister's and just laid it out. I don't think they will help the situation though. It will also be a strike against me as well, cause I'm not allowed to talk to anyone I guess.
What did her dad and sister say? It's a sticky situation and they probably won't want to get involved because it's "none of their business", but perhaps they can frame as "this is not good for the children you already have."
I'd sure as hell do it, even if it isn't my business.
What did her dad and sister say? It's a sticky situation and they probably won't want to get involved because it's "none of their business", but perhaps they can frame as "this is not good for the children you already have."
I'd sure as hell do it, even if it isn't my business.
I would have seconded the "extended family" strategy if the extended family actually gave a flying F. Apparently they don't - and they adopt the now "classical" modern approach to family, which is "once you're out of my house and have your own family, I don't really care anymore. I DO on paper, but not REALLY".
This is a shame because I can guarantee you that in families with strong extended family involvement/cohesion/integration, the strong opinion of a mother, brother, sister, hey, even an aunt, could impact someone in your wife's situation in miraculous ways.
Remember, the dyad (a group made of two people, usually with strong emotional ties - which is what the typical American nuclear family is) is more vulnerable and unstable than groups of any other size.
It is exactly because of a lack of extended family involvement and the "not-my-business-once-you're-an-adult" attitude, that the modern world has so many divorces.
Frankly speaking, if your wife's father actually loved his grand kids, he would SO make it HIS business.
Then how about this: any chance you could make her read what various strangers think of this situation? We made it "our" business apparently. :-)
Reading all these posts might cause her to get very defensive and reactionary in front of you, but it might also cause her to think long and hard about it in the privacy of her own thoughts. When so many people tell you you don't have it together, you can gain some perspective. Who knows?...
I agree with this. I imagine that being forced to deal with the end of your reproductive life by a miscarriage is unsettling on a very basic and primal level for a woman; kind of like a man realizing that he's in decline when it becomes clear that his son is stronger than he is... There's a lot of existential angst happening here and dealing with one's own mortality...
That sort of crisis is likely to resolve with time.
I doubt this is going to result in the end of the marriage and she'll probably appreciate the wisdom of stopping at 4 in the future.
I happen to agree with you. I think the op is making this a bigger deal than it would have been by talking to everyone and freaking out so much. He has an audience now when it is his wife that really needs the people to talk to.
Millions of woman say they want to get divorced and really don't. Hormones and loosing a baby are difficult and need time. When you start involving everyone else it might just backfire and she might feel the need to see it through with on lookers. She might just follow some bad advice and regret it later. If that's what you want then continue, if not just man up.
Marriage is hard for a reason, people who stay married make it through the times they might want to exit. They don't push the bluffs, they don't take the dares. Just keep telling her you love her, and try to encourage she go to a regular doc and get checked out after the miscarriage. Just keep saying, even if you don't, I still love you. Tell her she has your attention now and you are concerned about her health. That she isn't usually this upset, it must be serious to her. You being weak and offended by her right now won't help. She already has 4 kids, she needs a man. She probably wonders why you care so much if you have another since she does it all. Why do you get to decide how many when she is the one who gives birth to them and raises them. It might seem logical while her system is mess up hormonally. She might feel like your treating her like a little kid.
Woman do odd things at these times. Her thyroid might be off as well. Things in marriage get tough, don't let it throw ya. Marriage is work. Unless maybe you want to end it as well, using this as an excuse? That you should think about I guess. You coming on here and crying about it is odd to me. You seem pretty sensitive as well and you aren't hormonal, or going through physical pain from a miscarriage. You said she hasn't even started her period yet? I guarantee she needs a gyno stat. Stop competing with her for emotions and man up, she needs a spouse that overrides his feelings and gets her a doctor. A counselor is just going to take your side because you are at a reasonable place right now, she is not. That isn't going to help, she needs a doctor first. Counseling second.
Try to manipulate a doc visit. Tell her you'll go with her and have it all checked out if she wants another kid. While there mention the depression then let the gyno take it from there. Pull a nurse aside and tell them to tell the doctor that she seems emotionally unstable after the event. They will bring it up in the office to her. Stay out of it. Let the doctor deal with it. Hopefully they find a better solution and she can get back to normal. I'm sure she will be grateful later that you saw through the emotion and got her help instead of playing the victim.
Those who give advice like, don't let her control you, call her bluff aren't married anymore. They might enjoy the fight a bit too much.
Til death do us part gets hard sometimes.
Why don't you just go to the counselor to deal with your feelings and treat her like the patient she is right now and get her to a doctor before she offs herself or something worse. Don't push a sick person into a corner. Try not to take it personally until you find out if it's medical. She might do the same for you one day when you get dementia.
All of this is just IMO. Clearly others disagree but because you've opened a thread about your personal business I'm contributing to it. I dealt with an Alzheimer's patient, and at first people just thought he was a crazy jerk, come to find out he was ill. You said this is taking you by surprise, that is a clue that something is out of place for her, not you, don't read something into it yet like "she always thought this way and you never knew." Try to override your hurt feelings and get her some medical help first.
Wanting to replace a child that you lost is normal behavior for an abnormal event. She isn't that off the mark, thyroid, hormones will cause chemical depression. Go to the doctor! She might need an anti depressant to get through a rough spot, she might need vitamins, etc. Make sure she is medically sound before you buy into her emotional state, don't make that mistake. Thyroid, Depression and Mental Health | Stop The Thyroid Madness
I would have seconded the "extended family" strategy if the extended family actually gave a flying F. Apparently they don't - and they adopt the now "classical" modern approach to family, which is "once you're out of my house and have your own family, I don't really care anymore. I DO on paper, but not REALLY".
This is a shame because I can guarantee you that in families with strong extended family involvement/cohesion/integration, the strong opinion of a mother, brother, sister, hey, even an aunt, could impact someone in your wife's situation in miraculous ways.
Remember, the dyad (a group made of two people, usually with strong emotional ties - which is what the typical American nuclear family is) is more vulnerable and unstable than groups of any other size.
It is exactly because of a lack of extended family involvement and the "not-my-business-once-you're-an-adult" attitude, that the modern world has so many divorces.
Frankly speaking, if your wife's father actually loved his grand kids, he would SO make it HIS business.
Then how about this: any chance you could make her read what various strangers think of this situation? We made it "our" business apparently. :-)
Reading all these posts might cause her to get very defensive and reactionary in front of you, but it might also cause her to think long and hard about it in the privacy of her own thoughts. When so many people tell you you don't have it together, you can gain some perspective. Who knows?...
I agree, extended family that are women could have helped her recognized she needed a check up, that she wasn't acting like herself without offending her. She could really use a supportive female family group. I think it could have helped a lot. For centuries woman found helpful advice from other woman in their family who understand.
If you are going to have her read these threads though, please edit them to only the helpful ones. Don't use them to prove a point, like she's crazy, your not. That might turn out badly, as well as being really sad.
We have 4 great children. We started have kids late, our oldest is 8, then 4 (large gap I know), then 3, then 1. History has been we struggled to get pregnant the first time and my wife had to take meds to help her ovulate. I didn't feel like we were financially ready to have our first, but we did and it worked out fine. Our second we were not in a good place in our marriage, just not close and I felt like it should be over. In the end we worked it out and had second. The third we were both kinda surprised and were feeling pretty comfortable with two. My wife was afraid to tell me she was pragnant with our third, but I was perfectly fine with it. Then our fourth came as a complete surprise to us both and both of us wanted to really stop at 3. She was emotional about her body and not wanting to go through it all again. I was just feeling like we were good with 3. We both had mentally closed the door on more babies. In the end we came around and had our 4th. After that we were vocal to one another and others that we were done. This is where I should have had my vosectomy. I didn't and surprise we got pragnant again. You'd think we don't understand how these babies are made at this point. Again we were floored and didn't want to have another baby, so much so we even talked about terminating the pragnancy (terrible I know). We both came to our senses and knew we couldn't live with that, so it was on again. Time to get your mind ready for yet another baby. Then a week later my wife had a micarriage. This was bad news for us both, but frankly hit her way harder than it did me.
The fifth pragnancy happened before my 4th child was even one. So months have went by and my wife was on the fence when people would ask if we're having more. I on the other hand would a firmly say no more. Then my wife had a dream about being pragnant and I thought it brought back all her sadness. So I was being as supportive as possible and bought flowers and a card to let her know I'm here for her. Turns out her sadness was because she really wants a baby largely because she lost the 5th. Stating if I could just understand how she feels inside I would want one too.
I'll be 41 this year and she'll be 38. I've told her I don't want anymore kids because I will already be in my mid 60 or even 70 with a child still living in the home. I don't want the expense, the stress, the risk of an unhealthy baby, and I want a life after kids in the house. A little bit at least. Oh, and I also had to change our insurance and now we don't have maternity coverage.
None of this matters to my wife. She is on a personal mission to get this baby. She says she loves me and our family, but we are at extreme odds on this. Today she told me she is sick of me making all the decisions, which is news to me, and that she wants out. Sighting that I didn't let her baptize the kids the cathonic way (she's cathonic I'm not) and now I won't have another baby.
I'm feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Just 5 days ago we were painting and getting our 4th child's newly built room together and now I'm on my way to divorce? Really??
She feels counseling won't change either of our conflicting desires. She's just done and bringing up everything wrong just to justify it.
I'm devastated, scared for my kids and don't know what to do. I want to keep this thing together, but after listening to her maybe even having another child wouldn't keep this thing together. Very confused!!!
Haven't read the whole thread, so this has probably already been stated - your wife needs professional help.
There is some emotional issue driving her that she needs to be able to acknowledge and deal with.
Get her to a therapist for your whole family's sake, she needs help and you are in over your head.
I think you need to look at it from her perspective. She just lost a baby and wants to have another one, and now you are suddenly deciding you don't want one. I think you BOTH need to seek couples therapy to work on your issues.
I think you need to look at it from her perspective. She just lost a baby and wants to have another one, and now you are suddenly deciding you don't want one. I think you BOTH need to seek couples therapy to work on your issues.
I agree, make sure she is healthy so she can think straight and then get therapy, you both could use a neutral party.
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