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So sorry this happened. I was so sad reading about this.
I have to agree with some of the opinions of not getting the parents/adults too involved and to maybe enroll in martial arts or another activity that builds confidence/defense skills.
I have a 13 y.o. who is much skinnier then the other boys, but no one ever messes with him (not even older, much bigger kids). The bigger football players follow him around and other kids come to him when they need help with a bully. I find it fascinating that my scrawny (scrappy) 13 y.o. seems to instill fear in much bigger bullies. I often wonder why this is.
He frequently tells me how he defends smaller kids from bullies in upper grades. He has taken on this roll of class defender. I think it is because he comes across as quite fearless, vocal, and maybe a bit wild and aggressive in his stance. I'm not advocating aggression in school but I do think Martial Arts (or other activities) can teach a children to present themselves in a way that discourages anyone from messing with them.
My son does not do Martial Arts, but he is a basketball player. I think the sport of basketball has taught him to be somewhat menacing in stance and physically assertive and has given him a lot of confidence. So maybe that is what has helped him.
He also has a "code" where he wants to protect the little guy, where he does not tattle on kids to teachers (though he tells me everything), and where he does not turn the other cheek. If someone dare touch him, I have little doubt he would immediately give it right back. I am not saying this is right, but his "code" is somehow happily getting him through middle school without being bullied. Middle school social dynamics is something I don't fully understand.
E.g. The first week of school as a 6th grader, a group of 8th graders pushed him into a locker and he immediately body slammed the boys back. The older kids didn't mess with him after that and even started calling him "Little Buddy" and giving him "high fives" in the hallways. They even go out of their way to tell others not to mess with him.
p.s. I virtual schooled by son 2 years ago.... I have a CD thread about it.
It just goes to show that no matter how small or skinny you are, it's how you carry yourself. Most bullies aren't used to someone fighting back...and when someone does, it can often deflate them and leave them at a lose. Or, as your son experienced, can make the 'victim' suddenly cool.
What?! He got a two suspension. What do you THINK should have happened? Hang him by the toes?! Jeesh, people aren't happy anymore with the outcome unless cops and lawyers are involved. These are freaking kids! Why do parents ALWAYS have to get involved for EVERYTHING (some things are necessary) but there needs to be a time when kids work through their own issues with each other
Yes, with all the emphasis on the 'anti-bullying' programs that schools have now ~ I think a two day, in school suspension ~ was basically nothing. I do think the school failed to support their own program in this instance.
Shoot, I just saw a girl on the today show that got suspended for 5 days for making up a facebook account about a girl getting bullied. It was for a school project but apparently got out of control. Seemed tame compared to this.
I would make quiet waves with the school so they have a good idea what will happen if something like this were to occur again.
My father is an ex-teacher and he always told me - it never hurts for the school to know that you are watching closely and are aware of what is going on.
Ultimately, the OP has to do what she feels is best for her and her son. For some reason, this whole thing really got to me.
What?! He got a two suspension. What do you THINK should have happened? Hang him by the toes?! Jeesh, people aren't happy anymore with the outcome unless cops and lawyers are involved. These are freaking kids! Why do parents ALWAYS have to get involved for EVERYTHING (some things are necessary) but there needs to be a time when kids work through their own issues with each other
More than a little slap on the wrist.
It would be one thing for the kid to pull down his own pants -- but to find an unwilling victim --- no way is that acceptable. Whatever happened to keeping your hands to yourself? If the OP's kid didn't want his pants pulled down the kid had absolutely no right to do what he did.
I think a kid like that needs some humiliation himself. He should be given the chance to get up in front of the whole class and apologize to everyone and admit what a jerk he was or be expelled or sent to alternative school.
Yes, with all the emphasis on the 'anti-bullying' programs that schools have now ~ I think a two day, in school suspension ~ was basically nothing. I do think the school failed to support their own program in this instance.
Shoot, I just saw a girl on the today show that got suspended for 5 days for making up a facebook account about a girl getting bullied. It was for a school project but apparently got out of control. Seemed tame compared to this.
I would make quiet waves with the school so they have a good idea what will happen if something like this were to occur again.
My father is an ex-teacher and he always told me - it never hurts for the school to know that you are watching closely and are aware of what is going on.
Ultimately, the OP has to do what she feels is best for her and her son. For some reason, this whole thing really got to me.
You think IN SCHOOL suspension is better than out of school suspension.
Really?
SERIOUSLY?
I got in school suspension once in middle school, we sat in a room, no talking, it was cold, we sat and did busy work all day, that's all you did was sat at sectioned off desk doing busy work, with no talking, had to sit secluded at lunch, no talking at lunch.
My senior year I got suspended for texting in class the day before and not giving over my phone, my mom had to pick me up that morning soon after she dropped me off. It was spring, I went home, changed into my swim suit laid out in the back yard, tanned, texted. I was at my house with my tv, my laptop, tons of junk food, I could nap and sleep and do whatever I wanted to do.
But out of school suspension sounds SO MUCH WORSE than in school suspension. You're right, much have sucked so much to sit in a tiny isolated room with no peer contact even though they were in the same building.
My 7th grade son is home today crying from embarrassment. A boy was dared to pull his pants down in the gym in front of all his classmates-boys and girls. Yes his underwear also came down.
The boy got two days suspension, but what should I do about my son.
Poor kid. That is the ultimate in bullying!!! Get him to a sex abuse counselor...they may be better prepared to deal w/ this type really personal traumatic experience. Some sort of counselor.
Have you called the cops?? He needs to have his feelings validated, and maybe if these kids have formal charges brought against them he may feel better.
Also, sue the school...get him lots of money for college and perhaps he needs a new school.
What a traumatic experience...give him a hug from another Mom of four son's. He didn't do anything wrong.....Gads, kids can be so mean. I am so sorry for your son. You are obviously a very caring concerned parent, glad he has you.
Boy on boy harassment and abuse are frequently trivialized. I'd make a HUGE deal out of it and I would not send my son back to that school. The other students won't forget it.
It would be one thing for the kid to pull down his own pants -- but to find an unwilling victim --- no way is that acceptable. Whatever happened to keeping your hands to yourself? If the OP's kid didn't want his pants pulled down the kid had absolutely no right to do what he did.
I think a kid like that needs some humiliation himself. He should be given the chance to get up in front of the whole class and apologize to everyone and admit what a jerk he was or be expelled or sent to alternative school.
Expelled? Sent to alternative school?
Do you know the kind of kids they send to alternative schools?
The kids with MAJOR attendance issues, the kids with behavioral issues, the kids with drug issues, the kids with MAJOR issues. Not kids who pants other kids.
Seriously, the alternative schools are for the kids who don't show up to school because they skip and get high and do illegal stuff.
He pantsed another kid, there is NO NEED to send him to a school where is just going to learn worse behavior and be exposed to those actual BAD children.
Wow, thank you for all the kind words. I had a meeting yesterday afternoon about the incident with the school. I was told that all the boys involved with the prank were spoken to and the boy who did the pantsing was suspended for two days, in school-not home. I think it is not severe enough but I really am not a big trouble maker to begin with. I know that there are some very extreme rules about bullying and for the most part they are there for very good reasons. I hope that these kids have learned a lesson about bullying and peer pressure. I am a believer that suing a family or school or causing a 13 year old to have a record that would ruin his life is not the answer. This said I am not sure that just suspension in school will teach much of a lesson either. I hope that his parents have enough sense to set him straight. Luckily my son is well liked and seems to have forgiven the boy who did this, they are more friends than enemies prior to this happening. I bellieve it was just a 13 year old prank.
My son did return for the last part of the day yesterday after the meeting. I feel you can not hide from problems. Sitting home would have made him think wild thoughts about what the whole school was thinking. Better to face your fear and laugh at your enemies and Never let anyone see your weakness. Well he did this and seems to be ok. Not sure if he is burning with embarrassment inside, but we will watch him. He seems to have a nice group of friends watching his back and I told him if anyone goes beyond a slide remark and make you upset than by all means go to the principle/guidence counsilor/teacher and report him for bullying. The school seems very concerned about his welfare and theirs I am sure, but like one poster said--how is this the schools fault? If a teacher was there, what could have been done to stop it. If my son was a girl being pants by a boy then this would have been sexual abuse--in this day and age I would think that the sex of the children would not matter--boy or girl,a very private part of my child was exposed, unwillingly to others. Yes I am very mad and want revenge but what really comes out of that will not help my son get over this and move on quickly. I am sure that today there will be new gossip about something else.
Thank you again for all your kind words and advise. I will watch for distress and I think that helping him work on his physical looks are unfortunately important at this age, but by no means the answer. I believe a kind soul, witty personality and confidence in who you are, sells you better than how you look on the outside.
It sounds like you handled it well -- as long as your son isn't overly humiliated by it. If he can let it roll off, or shurg it off, then fine but still it was too light a punishment for the offender. Some kids are very sensitive and shy and this would have been terrible to have this done to them in front of so many.
I think it's the school's fault that they are not taking these incidents very seriously at all. I don't really think that the school's approach is teaching this kid or any of the kids that sexual assault is a crime.
There is that case where of the roommate and a hidden camera left in the room and he got 30 days in jail which is also too easy I think. His little prank led to his roommate committing suicide, not everyone can handle public humiliation.
For that boy's sake a stronger punishment would have done more for him. What's next? He got off this one with no consequence, and at age 13, hes's too old to think this is some funny prank.
Poor kid. That is the ultimate in bullying!!! Get him to a sex abuse counselor...they may be better prepared to deal w/ this type really personal traumatic experience. Some sort of counselor.
Have you called the cops?? He needs to have his feelings validated, and maybe if these kids have formal charges brought against them he may feel better.
Also, sue the school...get him lots of money for college and perhaps he needs a new school.
What a traumatic experience...give him a hug from another Mom of four son's. He didn't do anything wrong.....Gads, kids can be so mean. I am so sorry for your son. You are obviously a very caring concerned parent, glad he has you.
Sex abuse counselor?
REALLY?
He was pantsed, not molested.
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