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Some of us were tormented beyond belief for many years. What we did was learn how to confront and deal with the problem. We gained self-confidence, we stood up for ourselves and we fought back when we had to. We realized that sometimes you need to fight fire with fire and when the bullies realize you aren't an easy target and that what they are doing no longer bothers you...they stop.
Some of us have chosen to live our lives not having a permanent victim mentality. We are the ones advocating not harsher punishment for bullies in some asinine belief that will stop anything, but we are advocating for empowering our kids to stand up for themselves, gain self-confidence and be willing to fight back. I don't want my kids to think that they "need" me, a teacher, principal, etc. to fight their battles with their peers, they need to learn to handle it themselves and it all starts with that first time they get picked on or shoved on the playground.
Oh, how I wish one of my parents took the approach/interest you suggest...or that I had a friend...anybody...to guide me and befriend me...or a teacher/administrator to stop the insanity and torture (one teacher tried...and it got even worse!) Instead, I acted like I was ignoring it, when, in reality, I felt every single emotional and physical taunt like it was a knife through the back of my brain. Think back to your junior high school. There was always that one or two grils who couldn't dress right or had the bad teeth and was ripped apart for it...or the boy who was not athletic and had pimples all over his face who was physically tortured...relentlessly...EVERY day of school. The specific worst-of -the-worse case kids that were taunted unmercilessly and unnecessarily for years...by EVERYONE...is what I'm talking about here. The "Carrie's" (Sissy Spacek) of their classes. These are the ones that are scarred.
I have grown to compartmentalize it through years of therapy...used humor and intelligence in my adult life to get by as a "normal" person...but trust me, you never forget...and if guns were available to me back then, I can still tell you today, who I would have specifcally went after first. To say it has not had some effect on who I am today, would not be accurate. I stuggled in my adult years with severe depression, including 2 hospitalizations for it. My first depression being defined as those junior high school years that I internalized the abuse. This whole thread just brings it all back to me in an unexpected way.
The best thing a parent can do in this day and age is to teach their kids true tolerance for difference...and break away from the all-powerful peer group in showing compassion for the underprivileged/unblessed/unknowing. I know...it's easier said than done.
I remember one of my own kids (who I swore would not go through what I went through) showed up at little league practice (my own parents never bothered to get me involved in that when I was little!) It was the first day and the coach told the boys to pair up and start having a catch. There was one boy there who obvioulsy had some developmental issues that all the kids were avoiding him like he had some disease....even taunting him verbally. I watched his parents as they fretted who would catch with their son, as everyone else was already doing, and struggled to intervene on the taunting (this is before the effects of "bullying", as it is called today, was known.) I called my own son over and asked if he knew the kid and he told me he was in his class and was a "slow" learner. I then asked him to have a catch with him if he knew him. My son agreed. After the practice, his mother later came up to me with tears in her eyes thanking me and my son for including him. Turns out the kid was adopted and had some learning issues associated with birth problems. They turned out to be friends thoughout school, and the parents of that kid ended up including my son on trips to amusements parks, camping and other events. Funny thing about the whole deal...when my son started to have a catch with the kid, others then would come over...and there was a natural inclusion of him in their circle.
That son ended up becoming a minister in his adult life. Before anyone sits there saying I was a good parent...don't! I wasn't. The depressions had very bad effects on my first marriage and parenting skills. I was good/lucky in this one episode that turned out to be a golden lesson to my kid. But it was based purely on my own experience as being that one kid that was excluded and shunned.
No one can know that kind of abuse and what it can do to a young person, unless they have lived through it themselves.
Oh, how I wish one of my parents took the approach/interest you suggest...or that I had a friend...anybody...to guide me and befriend me...or a teacher/administrator to stop the insanity and torture (one teacher tried...and it got even worse!) Instead, I acted like I was ignoring it, when, in reality, I felt every single emotional and physical taunt like it was a knife through my brain. Think back to your junior high school. There was always that one or two grils who couldn't dress right or had the bad teeth and was ripped apart for it...or the boy who was not athletic and had pimples all over his face who was physically tortured...relentlessly...EVERY day of school. The specific worst-of -the-worse case kids that were taunted unmercilessly and unnecessarily for years...by EVERYONE...is what I'm talking about here. The "Carrie's" (Sissy Spacek) of their classes. These are the ones that are scarred.
I have grown to compartmentalize it through years of therapy...used humor and intelligence in my adult life to get by as a "normal" person...but trust me, you never forget...and if guns were available to me back then, I can still tell you today, who I would have specifcally went after first. To say it has not had some effect on who I am today, would not be accurate. I stuggled in my adult years with severe depression, including 2 hospitalizations for it. My first depression being defined as those junior high school years that I internalized the abuse. This whole thread just brings it all back to me in an unexpected way.
The best thing a parent can do in this day and age is to teach their kids true tolerance for difference...and break away from the all-powerful peer group in showing compassion for the underprivileged/unblessed/unknowing. I know...it's easier said than done.
I remember one of my own kids (who I swore would not go through what I went through) showed up at little league practice (my own parents never bothered to get me involved in that when I was little!) It was the first day and the coach told the boys to pair up and start having a catch. There was one boy there who obvioulsy had some developmental issues that all the kids were avoiding him like he had some disease....even taunting him verbally. I watched his parents as they fretted who would catch with their son, as everyone else was already doing, and struggled to intervene on the taunting (this is before the effects of "bullying", as it is called today, was known.) I called my own son over and asked if he knew the kid and he told me he was in his class and was a "slow" learner. I then asked him to have a catch with him if he knew him. My son agreed. After the practice, his mother later came up to me with tears in her eyes thanking me and my son for including him. Turns out the kid was adopted and had some learning issues associated with birth problems. They turned out to be friends thoughout school, and the parents of that kid ended up including my son on trips to amusements parks, camping and other events. Funny thing about the whole deal...when my son started to have a catch with the kid, others then would come over...and there was a natural inclusion of him in their circle.
That son ended up becoming a minister in his adult life. Before anyone sits there saying I was a good parent...don't! I wasn't. The depressions had very bad effects on my first marriage and parenting skills. I was good/lucky in this one episode that turned out to be a golden lesson to my kid. But it was based purely on my own experience as being that one kid that was excluded and shunned.
No one can know that kind of abuse can do to a child, unless they have lived through it themselves.
I am truly sorry that you had to go through what you did. There are lots of kids who were in your shoes who committed suicide, and I am glad that you chose not to take that route. You being here today could possibly be a testament to other kids who are being bullied, or who are the bullies. I think a lot of kids are not cruel or sadistic, but simply have no idea of the impact of their words or actions.
I do think it is important for kids NOT to allow themselves to become a victim. In the OP, the mother did not indicate that her son was being continually harassed. Apparently, this was a one time thing. IF the boy had went back to school ashamed and scared, hiding behind the teachers and bursting into tears every time some one as much as cracked a smile his way, the torment probably would have continued and progressed. Or if the police had gotten involved, lawyers, even the mom getting overly involved could have made the situation so much worse for the kid. By returning to school with confidence, he's not wearing a 'KICK ME, I'm a VICTIM!' sign on his head. He's letting everyone know that they cannot break him with a stupid prank. I agree totally with a previous poster who said, if approached by other kids about it, joke and turn it around on the other kid. "He must have really wanted a look at my package!" That makes the other kid look like a fool. And I bet that would be the last time something like that would ever happen to him.
I do think it is important that we don't let our past dictate not only our future, but our children's as well. I had a lot of negative experiences in the neighborhood we grew up in, being the only African American family. I remember being a little girl vowing that, if I ever had kids, I would never send them to a school with all white kids. Had I chosen to carry that feeling to adulthood, I would have denied myself a lot of close friendships and passed that bitterness on to my daughter. While I do believe that experience has made me a lot more sensitive to those issues, I never let it define who I am or who I became.
As I said earlier, I was bullied for many years. For whatever reason, as much as I hated many of my classmates, I never wanted to kill them or hurt them. I probably wanted to humiliate them as much as they did to me though. Mostly, I just wanted to have friends. I still mourn that part of my life where I didn't have friends, a social life or most anything else regularly associated with high school.
I really hope my children never have to go through what I did. Even if my feelings about my high school experience aren't as tragic as jfk's, they have left a long lasting impression on who I am and, for a long time, how I felt about myself. There are still strains of the taunts fused with my self-image.
I agree with Anna that I think many kids simply don't realize how much it really hurts others to taunt them. I think of one girl in particular who was a TERRIBLE bully at our school. She is now a guidance counselor of all things. She has said many times how much of a jerk she was in high school and how she wishes she could go back and change how she acted.
I think instead of trying to crucify or prosecute these kids, we should seek to normalize dialogue between students, parents and faculty about things like interpersonal communication, respect and community. Everyone doesn't have to be friends and I think high school fun is an integral part of adolescence. But there is a fine line between that and attacking.
I am truly sorry that you had to go through what you did. There are lots of kids who were in your shoes who committed suicide, and I am glad that you chose not to take that route.
Thanks for your kind words. Back then...school shootings and student suicides were unheard of. If it was as common back then, as it is today, I probably would have committed suicide...as I know I definitely thought about it back then. Therapy for kids was unheard of then.
You're right...for the OP and her son, I'm glad it all worked out. "Pantsing" obviously sounds like an act of inclusion today, as opposed to bullying (who would guess???) And today, much more is known about the abuse that can take place, and it's effects of young people, and the attempt to stop it. Although, sadly, there are also more avenues for it...texting, cell-phone pictures, etc.
As someone else pointed out, I should not apply my own past experiences to this particular situation. But damn...it sure brought out some strong feelings!
Oh, how I wish one of my parents took the approach/interest you suggest...or that I had a friend...anybody...to guide me and befriend me...or a teacher/administrator to stop the insanity and torture (one teacher tried...and it got even worse!) Instead, I acted like I was ignoring it, when, in reality, I felt every single emotional and physical taunt like it was a knife through the back of my brain. Think back to your junior high school. There was always that one or two grils who couldn't dress right or had the bad teeth and was ripped apart for it...or the boy who was not athletic and had pimples all over his face who was physically tortured...relentlessly...EVERY day of school. The specific worst-of -the-worse case kids that were taunted unmercilessly and unnecessarily for years...by EVERYONE...is what I'm talking about here. The "Carrie's" (Sissy Spacek) of their classes. These are the ones that are scarred.
I have grown to compartmentalize it through years of therapy...used humor and intelligence in my adult life to get by as a "normal" person...but trust me, you never forget...and if guns were available to me back then, I can still tell you today, who I would have specifcally went after first. To say it has not had some effect on who I am today, would not be accurate. I stuggled in my adult years with severe depression, including 2 hospitalizations for it. My first depression being defined as those junior high school years that I internalized the abuse. This whole thread just brings it all back to me in an unexpected way.
The best thing a parent can do in this day and age is to teach their kids true tolerance for difference...and break away from the all-powerful peer group in showing compassion for the underprivileged/unblessed/unknowing. I know...it's easier said than done.
I remember one of my own kids (who I swore would not go through what I went through) showed up at little league practice (my own parents never bothered to get me involved in that when I was little!) It was the first day and the coach told the boys to pair up and start having a catch. There was one boy there who obvioulsy had some developmental issues that all the kids were avoiding him like he had some disease....even taunting him verbally. I watched his parents as they fretted who would catch with their son, as everyone else was already doing, and struggled to intervene on the taunting (this is before the effects of "bullying", as it is called today, was known.) I called my own son over and asked if he knew the kid and he told me he was in his class and was a "slow" learner. I then asked him to have a catch with him if he knew him. My son agreed. After the practice, his mother later came up to me with tears in her eyes thanking me and my son for including him. Turns out the kid was adopted and had some learning issues associated with birth problems. They turned out to be friends thoughout school, and the parents of that kid ended up including my son on trips to amusements parks, camping and other events. Funny thing about the whole deal...when my son started to have a catch with the kid, others then would come over...and there was a natural inclusion of him in their circle.
That son ended up becoming a minister in his adult life. Before anyone sits there saying I was a good parent...don't! I wasn't. The depressions had very bad effects on my first marriage and parenting skills. I was good/lucky in this one episode that turned out to be a golden lesson to my kid. But it was based purely on my own experience as being that one kid that was excluded and shunned.
No one can know that kind of abuse and what it can do to a young person, unless they have lived through it themselves.
I'm so very sorry that you experienced this as a kid. No one should have to go through that and I wish you'd had an adult to advocate on your behalf. You experiences certainly put your reaction to this situation in perspective. Kudos to you for seeking to understand what happened to you and to taking steps to deal with the fallout.
I'm usually the first one to defend public schools but the school is the problem if they see this as such a small thing that two days suspension suffices.
I also wouldn't yank my kid out of the school because you and he need to send the message that ya'll know he did nothing wrong and can hold his head up high. He could really be an inspiration to others as well.
Yes -- it's not necessarily the right thing to call the police - but getting a lawyer involved so that the school stops acting like this thing is nothing would go a long way.
What's interesting is how many posters actually think the forced exposure of unwilling victim's genitals is normal and apparently how often it's being done in the public schools -- and the schools are letting it go on.
For one there is nothing remotely funny about it -- yet some are laughingly referring to it as a boys-will-be-boys "prank". Maybe you could call it a prank if it involved 4 or 5 year olds but apparently the school thinks it's normal behavior in high school.
And I agree the victim should not have to find another school. It would be far better for the thuggish kid to be removed until he learns the proper social skills and age-appropriate behavior.
And this is not going on at all schools, not even all public schools because many schools would not tolerate it.
And I'm not even for the suspension of all verbal abuse or teasing and in some schools they take it too far, but when it comes to a physical act, there is nothing subtle about the attack. And children going to school to learn should not be subjected to the morons who have never advanced beyond the emotional maturity of kindergarteners. It's not the victim who needs to be told to suck it up and learn to deal -- he did nothing wrong.
This has nothing to do with making an oversensitive kid, it's actually normal for 13 year old boys to not want to be put on display like this, the victim here is the normal child. He doesn't need to learn to laugh it off and accept abuse to this extent.
The difference in responses in the thread are stark...and strong. To me, where one stands is where they stood in junior high school. Some of us (inculding me) were tormented beyond belief...leaving true emotional and developmental scars that exist to this day, even at age 54. Some were the tormentors...who don't seem to be posting here. Others, are the luckily the majority...just your average Joe's & Jane's, who fortunately were not the tormentor, nor the tormented.
For most...junior high shool years are tough. For some...it was made unbearable. I think unless you were tormented to the extreme, it is difficult to understand what it does to a person. Whenever I hear about these shootings or suicides of junior/senior high school students...I am saddened. Yet I understand what they were going through.
I will have to say I was never once tormented, I was one of the lucky. In school I had seen kids picked on but not to the extent of this incident. In my school there was name calling, some slur words but not if the teachers and school officials witnessed it.
The worst I had it was because I couldn't stand to have to get up in front of the class and give a speech, and could get tongue twisted and be absolutely mortified, but no one laughed, but even the sympathetic gazes of that huge vast audience of maybe 20 kids was mortifying. And that was nothing really -- but you can just imagine how an incident like this would have been. Poor kid.
That's what is especially appalling about this school's response -- it's not as though it was just some hear say, some he-said-he-said kind of thing where it's difficult to know exactly what really took place.
Some of the posters should watch the movie "Carrie" with Jodie Foster and maybe they could learn a little empathy and what public humiliation might feel like.
I know very well what humiliation feels like malamute. I was made fun of over very personal things in front of many kids. I know how it feels to dread going to school and just wanting to fit in. I know what it feels like. But I refuse to say that a kid deserves to have the rest of his life ruined over this type of thing. I know several people who were jerks in school and are now productive members of society AND realize how wrong they were to act like that.
Everything is not a federal case nor does every wrongdoing need to be punished legally.
Some of the posters should watch the movie "Carrie" with Jodie Foster and maybe they could learn a little empathy and what public humiliation might feel like.
You're just trying to scare 'em straight!
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