15yo son very disrespectful to mom (bi-polar, punishment, spank, single parent)

[twowolves]

Originally Posted by jessiegirl_98

One thing I heard you mention is that he may have an anger control problem. The thing is that he only has this towards you. That means he is in control enough to keep it in check when he needs/wants to. can do!

You have a point here.....he does only do it TO ME. And, only ME. In fact, other people ie for example my brother (has said this many times), my neighbor (his friend's mom) and many other people, say and have said that my son 'is a great person.....he's been raised well' and stuff like this! Even today, the guidance counselor whom I called and whom got my son out of class and had a short meeting with him, said to me on the phone and in front of my son.....'your son is very charming'......!

See? It's only with me who he acts like an angry brat...... What's up with this?!

Thank you so much for your and everyone's words of support and advice, I really need it all right now. As I mentioned, I have minimal support here, pretty much only my husband.

[jessiegirl_98]

[quote=twowolves;1841096]

See? It's only with me who he acts like an angry brat...... What's up with this?!

QUOTE]

I think the important thing to remember is that this is not your fault. As I mentioned, I'm sure he has anger issues and you are the "safe person" to take it out on because you are still there, etc. This happens a lot in cases where the parents are divorced...the poor custodial parent gets the brunt of it.
Again, so sorry you have to go through this! You are on the right track.

[Granny Sue]

I have an idea......Is there an adult that he really respects (male or female)?

Someone he really looks up to? Removed from the situation?

If so, is there a way to have this person sit and talk to him and ask him what's going on? Peer pressure is a powerful thing. If he knows that this person he respects and admires doesn't approve it MIGHT improve things.

This story is amusing to me now but it wasn't when it happened.

I'm my nephew's favorite aunt and I while I was visiting his house he was talking to his mom very rudely. I finally got tired of waiting for his Mom to put him in his place so I said "Sam! Why are you speaking to your mom like that!" He said "Cuz I can!" So my response was "Well you're NOT going to talk to your Mom like that while I'm around. I won't let you!"
He went in and apologized to his Mom, but then I heard him ask his Dad when I was leaving.
He's grown now but his Dad often threatened to call and let me know when he acted up.
I know this is so hard for you right now. Stay strong!!

[twowolves]

Originally Posted by captnemo62

I have an idea......Is there an adult that he really respects (male or female)?

Someone he really looks up to? Removed from the situation?

If so, is there a way to have this person sit and talk to him and ask him what's going on? Peer pressure is a powerful thing. If he knows that this person he respects and admires doesn't approve it MIGHT improve things.

This story is amusing to me now but it wasn't when it happened.

I'm my nephew's favorite aunt and I while I was visiting his house he was talking to his mom very rudely. I finally got tired of waiting for his Mom to put him in his place so I said "Sam! Why are you speaking to your mom like that!" He said "Cuz I can!" So my response was "Well you're NOT going to talk to your Mom like that while I'm around. I won't let you!"
He went in and apologized to his Mom, but then I heard him ask his Dad when I was leaving.
He's grown now but his Dad often threatened to call and let me know when he acted up.
I know this is so hard for you right now. Stay strong!!

I like your story. How great.

I wish there were someone. But, there's not. He has a great respect for my one middle brother who lives 2hrs away....but this brother (although a great brother to me and uncle to my son) is very non-confrontational and does not ever get involved in family disputes/issues. I have called this brother only a few times out of desperation of needing to vent about something, and got a fairly cold or no shoulder to cry on. It's not cuz he's mean or anything, that's just his personality.....I feel for his wife. Good thing she's a strong woman.

My brother is also a very busy attorney and has minimal down time and wouldn't appreciate me calling him with this, even though he loves my son. Did I explain this well enough? I don't want my brother to sound like an awful person, cuz he's not.

The only other 'man' is my husband who my son has a lot of respect for, but as you know, my husband is in the middle of all this....so that won't help. And, as I posted, my husband really socked it to my son the other night basically (he did in these words) telling my son 'you're just a spoiled b*tch....' My husband never talks/talked like this to my son before....but his cannon just went off, after years of my son being disrespectful to me...... In all actuality, my son needed to hear this. He did.

Obviously, my son still loves my husband (or atleast respects him) because on Friday when I had the guidance counselor at his school bring him in for a chat, he told her 'I get along really well with and like my stepfather'.....so apparently my husband calling him a spoiled b*tch didn't cause too much damage to their relationship.....

Tomorrow is the appt with the psychologist, I will go myself. Meet him and see if I like him and if I think he'll help my son. I will brief him and get some pointers from him. As the guidance counselor said Friday, I will go one more time after that and then hopefully my son will consent to going......

I wonder how my son is 'fairing' at the fathers. Boy, what a different environment it is over there. He has no bedroom for himself, sleeps on the living room 'murphy bed'-how nice for a teenager. It's cold and dreary inside, with white shiny tile, our home is very warm and cozy...son always said he liked how our home was cozy and once made remark on how his dad's is 'cold'. None of my son's friends are around him now, however they all live on our street here or one street over.....so he's basically left out and as far as I can assume-lonely. His dad lives alone, in a condo with older/retired people around, when the dad's not home, it's just my son by himself...here at our house, there always noise and liveliness from my 2 little ones....I will bet son misses this. His dad works long hrs and doesn't cook, his license is revoked so how can they just spontaneously get up and go out for recreational purposes on weekends? Yesterday morning my son should've gone to wrestling practice from 8 to 12, but according to my neighbor (his friend also on the team), he wasn't there yesterday....gee, very strange cuz my son NEVER wants to miss practice-plusl, he just started on the team on Tuesday!! I am positive the dad couldn't get him there!! AHHHHHH! You know what though? My son CHOSE THIS option. He had the life of reilly here with us.....completely.

I guess in a way my son is suffering 'tough love' right now? I texted him last night that 'ILU....mom' but certainly am not begging to come back like last time he left us and stayed with the dad for 10 whole months...that time I begged and cried and begged some more for him to come home. I feel stronger this time around. Though I am sure he's waiting for the begging to begin......

[twowolves]

[quote=jessiegirl_98;1842404]

Originally Posted by twowolves

See? It's only with me who he acts like an angry brat...... What's up with this?!

QUOTE]

I think the important thing to remember is that this is not your fault. As I mentioned, I'm sure he has anger issues and you are the "safe person" to take it out on because you are still there, etc. This happens a lot in cases where the parents are divorced...the poor custodial parent gets the brunt of it.
Again, so sorry you have to go through this! You are on the right track.

Thanks! You make a lot of sense about him taking out his frustrations on me as I am safe and he knows I love him unconditionally....but, if that's the case and I am just a 'scapegoat'.....why the very PERSONAL attacks from him to me?? They are very personal in that he says stuff like 'I hate you...I wish you'd just go away........you're a b*tch.......if it weren't for your husband, you'd be homeless (!)' (by the way I am a nurse and would NOT be homeless if not for my husband!) So, I don't know why he would attack me unless he truly means those things....which would mean that he DOES have specific issues with me.....

[jessiegirl_98]

[quote=twowolves;1850588]

Originally Posted by jessiegirl_98

Thanks! You make a lot of sense about him taking out his frustrations on me as I am safe and he knows I love him unconditionally....but, if that's the case and I am just a 'scapegoat'.....why the very PERSONAL attacks from him to me?? They are very personal in that he says stuff like 'I hate you...I wish you'd just go away........you're a b*tch.......if it weren't for your husband, you'd be homeless (!)' (by the way I am a nurse and would NOT be homeless if not for my husband!) So, I don't know why he would attack me unless he truly means those things....which would mean that he DOES have specific issues with me.....

He knows you and knows exactly how to push your buttons and can get away with it....That's why. He can take out all of his frustrations out on you. The psychologist will help you with this and also hopefully help the two of you work on your relationship. It sounds like the sitaution with his father is good for tough love. I know it's hard for you, but Im sure mom's is sounding pretty good......

[keeperk]

I didn't read all the posts indepth, but my thought on your post was people; family or not will treat you how you allow them to.

My daughter was my trial and error. She's 20 now, she is very cautious when she approaches me now. She knows I'm done with her **** and respects it. Too bad I have such a high tolerance level.

[twowolves]

Originally Posted by keeperk

I didn't read all the posts indepth, but my thought on your post was people; family or not will treat you how you allow them to.

My daughter was my trial and error. She's 20 now, she is very cautious when she approaches me now. She knows I'm done with her **** and respects it. Too bad I have such a high tolerance level.

Was the situation similar with her to mine? What did you do to show her you were done? How old was she when you did this? WHat do you mean high tolerance level, did it go on for a long time before you put your foot down? I need some advice from you!

[Dave1215]

Originally Posted by dynimagelv

Wife and I began raising our[her] 15 yr old g'son a couple of years ago[3 actually]....one night he was gettin chewed out for something,.....and he was gazing off into the distance and totally ignoring her...I got up.....quietly walked across the floor....grabbed him beneath the ching and demonstrated just how far a human neck will rotate... I said [in a VER soft voice] "You little M/F.....[cause at that age they know all the words and are shocked when WE do] when your grandmother speaks you WILL look at her....Listen to her...and acknowledge her...do I make my self clear? He said "yeh" so I said WHAT? He said Yes.....I said YES WHAT? He finally said Yes Sir.....he has NEVER showed either of us the slightest disrespect since then and is a MODEL kid and will definately make something of himself.

The moral is.....ya gotta show em whose boss.....period.

If mom and dad were married I would agree that this is a great approach - it only takes that one time to wake them up (assuming additional firm consequences follow if it starts to creep back in). But when you have the family dynamic of dad not living in the home and not supporting mom, how can dad teach boy to respect mom? I really feel for divorice and single situations - since I am not in one I can't give advice - just thank God that wife and I are together in a loving marriage. I feel for single moms - tough.

[Savedbygrace93]

I have to say that WHO your kids hang out with has a HUGE influence on their behavior as well. ONce they get past 18, it becomes more difficult to enforce the rules. My son is 20 and he seems to feel he has the right to do whatever he wants. My middle son was the most easy going, good natured of my three children, until he got to high school. He started hanging out with some of the wrong kids towards the end of high school. Since he went to Community College he continued to hang out with these kids who didn't work, didn't go to school, basically didn't do anything! They are disrespectful, arrogant, users and abusers of people & drugs. He is 20 and moving out because he has tried to carry this attitude into our home. I feel like I don't even know him anymore and never would have expected this from him. It breaks my heart. I DO NOT cater to him. Have made him do his own laundry, pay his own car insurance, cell phone etc. for several years now, but his behavior has gotten worse. They have to make good choices. He was raised in a Christian family. I thought I had gone through alot with my ADHD son, but this has been worse! I am a soft-hearted mom who has to work hard at the tough love, but I am doing it. I am glad he is moving out.