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I'm encouraging keeping the communication to a minimum. He doesn't know about the name decision and doesn't know she found out about the paternity test statements.
I think there are too many strong feelings on both sides to even try and talk rationally to each other right now.
I know my daughter is angry but coupled with these late term hormones, I know it could get heated quickly. I don't want either one saying something they may regret.
I'm not pro child support in this case. I don't think forcing someone to do something with their pocket is a positive thing. I'd rather he be a caring dad but not feel obligated like its a trade off. I don't think I'm explaining myself right here.
Let me try another way using examples. I've seen dads with support orders that are very bitter about paying it and then when they have their child with them and the child wants something, the response is "let your mother buy it, I pay her enough". Or they feel they have to visit because they pay or something like that. I don't know what I'm saying.
I'm very upset right now. I went and bought 4 outfits for the baby today. I got a promotion and my first paycheck from it. I bought each of my daughters a pair of sandals and the outfits for the baby. Go figure I went out with the intention of buying a new outfit for myself but oh well. I got home and one of my daughters quipped "she isn't even here yet and you do more for her than us". I'm heartbroken. The daughter that said this isn't happy with me because her grades are horrible and she has consequences from it. She also told me that I do nothing more than what I have to for them.
Speak softly to daughter who is feeling needy just now. She is resentful that she is being punished for poor grades while the results of her sister's transgression is getting lots of positive attention - a party, and presents, and gifts from you. You can explain that as much as you love her, you have not forgotten nor neglected her needs; one of which happens to be "consequences" to impress on her how much you care. But quietly. Assure her that this baby is a family member and while she wasn't expected, she will be no less loved than Petulant Daughter herself.
And for heaven's sake, buy yourself a new outfit. You deserve it. Besides, you saved all that money by not smoking in the face of all this drama.
Speak softly to daughter who is feeling needy just now. She is resentful that she is being punished for poor grades while the results of her sister's transgression is getting lots of positive attention - a party, and presents, and gifts from you. You can explain that as much as you love her, you have not forgotten nor neglected her needs; one of which happens to be "consequences" to impress on her how much you care. But quietly. Assure her that this baby is a family member and while she wasn't expected, she will be no less loved than Petulant Daughter herself.
And for heaven's sake, buy yourself a new outfit. You deserve it. Besides, you saved all that money by not smoking in the face of all this drama.
My "teen pregnancy" is 60 years old.
No kidding with the saved money!!!! I'm so surprised I haven't bought cigarettes over the past 9 months!!! I've gotten to the point over the past 3 months that cigarettes always smell bad. There were times I would smell them before that where I thought they smelled just heavenly
I get overwhelmed with trying to keep it all together sometimes.
I've heard what you all have said about the child support. I'm not closing any doors. Those are just my thoughts that once again I've only put out on here.
The only thing I've said to her is to simply not put all of her energy into being upset with him over what he may or may not do but concentrate on what she plans to do to support her baby.
What I've learned is that there's only so much energy to go around and if you place too much on any one thing, others suffer.
As for the dangerous behaviors, there are none that I've seen. He wil be 21 in a few months so hopefully that won't begin any problems.
Other than not thinking things through completely, they're both not bad as people.
I wish the dad would at least work part time and really could do without his parents but hey, nobody's perfect. I'm sure they have things about us they could do without as well.
His reasoning is that he's bitter and angry that the relationship isn't what he wants it to be. That's fine. I have to be honest and say if it were my son and he had any doubts, I would want him to get one. This is just a petty game to try and hurt my daughters feelings. So be it.
It's in her best interest to do the paternity test. It will speed up child support determination. She might as well do it now because he'll demand it in court later. If your daughter's feelings are hurt by his saying this, imagine how she'd feel if he said it in front of a roomful of strangers in court.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719
If he wants one, that's fine, he should order one. She has no doubts at all.
In the hospital right after the baby is born, only she can order it. Since the question of paternity exists, doctors aren't going to let him order tests for the baby. He can get a court order, but why make him go to all of the trouble when she will need to prove paternity to the court anyway. She's actually lucky he's willing to do paternity test. He could just refuse and drag out child support until the courts order him to have the test.
I think that they can both order it together, in the hospital. Call the Labor and Delivery ward where she intends to deliver, and ask them. Hospital social worker will know all about it.
She should plan on putting the father on the birth certificate.
She must file for support as soon as possible. It's for the baby, not for her. Frankly, if she doesn't, she's expecting YOU to support the child, and that's just not fair to you and your husband, and your other children. Part of the reason that she didn't have an abortion was that he said he was going to be there to help. He made a baby, and he then made a promise to help support that child if she had it. Of course you have to help them, but if she doesn't file for support, she's essentially expecting you and your husband to pay for everything.
BTW, congrats on the promotion. And I am amazed that you managed to not smoke throughout all this stress. You must be thinking of the baby and your family, in addition to thinking of your own health.
I think that they can both order it together, in the hospital. Call the Labor and Delivery ward where she intends to deliver, and ask them. Hospital social worker will know all about it.
She should plan on putting the father on the birth certificate.
She must file for support as soon as possible. It's for the baby, not for her. Frankly, if she doesn't, she's expecting YOU to support the child, and that's just not fair to you and your husband, and your other children. Part of the reason that she didn't have an abortion was that he said he was going to be there to help. He made a baby, and he then made a promise to help support that child if she had it. Of course you have to help them, but if she doesn't file for support, she's essentially expecting you and your husband to pay for everything.
BTW, congrats on the promotion. And I am amazed that you managed to not smoke throughout all this stress. You must be thinking of the baby and your family, in addition to thinking of your own health.
I have a comment to share about child support.
The mom of a very close friend of my son decided to cut the father of her three children out of her life &their lives because he was a "deadbeat loser" (mom's description) without a job and without any interest in getting a job. She had him give up his parental rights (or something similar) when the children were very young . Well, that was when Dad was in his early 20s. Fast forward five or six years and the "deadbeat loser" turned his life around. He got a college degree and a fabulous job.
Mom was a single mom trying to support three children on her salary. Forward a few more years and Mom still could barely make ends meet but the biological father (who she had forced to give up his parental rights and thus didn't need to pay child support) now was making a substantial income (perhaps $250,000 a year) and his new wife and new children were reaping the benefits.
The friend once told my son that she really wished that her mom had not just looked at what her dad was like as a 22 or 23 year old "boy" but what he could be like as a 30 or 38 year old man. My son's friend said that growing up poor was difficult for her & her siblings knowing that their biological father was now quite wealthy. Of course, the children may not have known the "whole story" but it still seemed pretty sad and short sighted to me that the mom insisted that the biological dad give up his parental rights so early in his children's lives.
Just something to keep in the back of your mind. Dad may not be capable of paying child support now but that may change when he is 25 or 30 or 35 years old.
Good luck to all of you.
Last edited by germaine2626; 04-21-2014 at 10:41 PM..
JerseyT,
I am 25 and have a 3 year old daughter. I got pregnant at 20, and had her at 21. I found out I was pregnant right after a severe car accident. I was working in Philly and coming home late at night when a drunk driver caused my car to flip and I was ejected over 50 ft. I was in a coma, had a sull fracture, my face was hanging off literally and needed almost 80 stitches to be put back, my chest was ripped open and needed multiple flaps to be put back, my liver was nearly ripped in half, also a collapsed lung, severe fevers while in the coma, and severe road rash burns over 50% of my body. I was n the ICU for two weeks, hospital for a month, rehab hospital to relearn everything for another month, than had a home care nurse and PT for another month.
They did a pregnancy test when I came into the hospital and it was negative. Come to find out it was too early and that's why it came up negative. All the pregnancy symptoms I chalked up to the accident. I didn't figure it out til three months along. I had been working since I was 15 and living on my own since I was 18. After the accident I moved back home but moved out and in with my daughters father three months before I was due. My parents were shocked at first, but said they were happy for me and there for me. I had to take pain medicine during my pregnancy and after because I have nodules on spine that push on the nerves. I took the lowest dose possible and saw tons of specialists. I was lucky my daughter ended up healthy. She was in the NICU for cord around the neck cutting off oxygen. But that wasn't something to plan for.
I have taken care of my daughter the whole time almost by myself. I just left her father recently because he was a drain on me emtionally, financially, etc. he stopped working a few months after I had her and lived off my savings. There was always an excuse. But it wasn't like he stayed home and took care of her, even when I asked for him to do a single feeding while she was a newborn (pumping, feeding, diapering, rocking to sleep, etc takes a drain when you do it every 2-3 hours) he would make a big scene, say I am the mother ands its my job to do "that" stuff. He would sleep in, and than berate me for "waking" him when I got up to feed her. Etc. finally I had enough.
I have managed to buy a home, a decent car, and have a decent savings. I plan on also going back to school when my daughter starts pre school in the fall. So far I haven't asked for child support, and he hasn't given a dime. He has criminal charges pending, and I am testifying. He is also trying to file for custudy saying he was the primary caretaker which is BS but just trying to hurt me and our daughter especially for filing the criminal charges against him. It is a long and painful process but as long as my daughter is happy I am happy. My parents have helped me a lot and they love their granddaughter. They always buy her little outfits and stuff because they love her, not bc she wants or needs it. My younger brother would also get angry when I was pregnant over stuff but once I had her he was happy and loves being an Uncle. Especially now that she is old enough to play and joke around.
Things have a way of working themselves out and I hope things do for you. I just wanted to let you know that sometimes the universe can throw a curve ball but its still possible to hit a home run (bad sports reference I know lol). Sure the first few years will be hard but it will get easier as the baby gets older. Also, getting the court stuff out of the way will probably be best.
I have had my hands so incredibly full with the three of them lately. It's just so much to handle. Oldest is due in 17 days. Youngest of them giving me fits every time I turn around and hurting the hell out of my feelings. The other one is worried there will be issues when the baby arrives with her bfs family that may impact their relationship. My new job is very challenging and I'm trying to work some ot to get some comp time to help my oldest when she and the baby are home for their first day. And did I mention that husband is away for the month? So all the running around with sports and jobs and all is completely on me?
I had to be seen a week or so ago. I have a cervical strain and a pinched nerve in my neck. I didn't do anything to it at all. They told me it could be stress. Seriously?
The baby's dad met up with my daughter yesterday to go over the game plan. He told her his grandmother wants the paternity test. Not him. And then asked if they could go get it done now before she's born!! She told him no. I don't blame her. She's too far along to get invasive testing done and I'm not sure it even could be done now. He will have to wait until she's born is what my daughter said. He also said "we will see about that" when she told him she would be breast feeding exclusively so there will be no overnight visits for a while. He's not on board with it apparently.
I do not want this baby coming into this world with stress and drama going on around her.
Some more opinions are needed. Should I see that it's getting a little crazy, do I put my foot down as to how much time is spent over here with any of them? Do I just let my daughter call the shots on it all?
I have had my hands so incredibly full with the three of them lately. It's just so much to handle. Oldest is due in 17 days. Youngest of them giving me fits every time I turn around and hurting the hell out of my feelings. The other one is worried there will be issues when the baby arrives with her bfs family that may impact their relationship. My new job is very challenging and I'm trying to work some ot to get some comp time to help my oldest when she and the baby are home for their first day. And did I mention that husband is away for the month? So all the running around with sports and jobs and all is completely on me?
I had to be seen a week or so ago. I have a cervical strain and a pinched nerve in my neck. I didn't do anything to it at all. They told me it could be stress. Seriously?
The baby's dad met up with my daughter yesterday to go over the game plan. He told her his grandmother wants the paternity test. Not him. And then asked if they could go get it done now before she's born!! She told him no. I don't blame her. She's too far along to get invasive testing done and I'm not sure it even could be done now. He will have to wait until she's born is what my daughter said. He also said "we will see about that" when she told him she would be breast feeding exclusively so there will be no overnight visits for a while. He's not on board with it apparently.
I do not want this baby coming into this world with stress and drama going on around her.
Some more opinions are needed. Should I see that it's getting a little crazy, do I put my foot down as to how much time is spent over here with any of them? Do I just let my daughter call the shots on it all?
Maybe you need to just take a long weekend vacation trip -- leave town for a couple days -- do something fun, you and your husband.
It is your house -- you have to make the rules for your house -- but right now isn't a good time for any showdown. It's ALMOST over -- soon it's going to be quite different.
You also have to be very careful about anything you say and do at this time -- anything you say can be held against you forever. Things will work themselves out in time.
I have had my hands so incredibly full with the three of them lately. It's just so much to handle. Oldest is due in 17 days. Youngest of them giving me fits every time I turn around and hurting the hell out of my feelings. The other one is worried there will be issues when the baby arrives with her bfs family that may impact their relationship. My new job is very challenging and I'm trying to work some ot to get some comp time to help my oldest when she and the baby are home for their first day. And did I mention that husband is away for the month? So all the running around with sports and jobs and all is completely on me?
I had to be seen a week or so ago. I have a cervical strain and a pinched nerve in my neck. I didn't do anything to it at all. They told me it could be stress. Seriously?
The baby's dad met up with my daughter yesterday to go over the game plan. He told her his grandmother wants the paternity test. Not him. And then asked if they could go get it done now before she's born!! She told him no. I don't blame her. She's too far along to get invasive testing done and I'm not sure it even could be done now. He will have to wait until she's born is what my daughter said. He also said "we will see about that" when she told him she would be breast feeding exclusively so there will be no overnight visits for a while. He's not on board with it apparently.
I do not want this baby coming into this world with stress and drama going on around her.
Some more opinions are needed. Should I see that it's getting a little crazy, do I put my foot down as to how much time is spent over here with any of them? Do I just let my daughter call the shots on it all?
Wow, it does sound pretty stressful right now. You need to remember that your health and your well being is important as well. Is there anyone who can help out right now (because your husband's gone)? Maybe a friend or another parent can take over a few of the trips/ driving for your other children? Perhaps you can use a service to deliver groceries? Or get more take-out or already prepared meals? Take care of yourself.
+++++
Regarding the breast feeding and Mom being away from her baby overnight. This may be an area where I would stand firm with my daughter (support & guide her) and deny overnight or lengthy time away from Mom & the babies food.
If Dad & his family are not familiar with women breastfeeding he/they may not realize the hardships for Mom and a newborn baby when they are separated. It may take a while to establish a solid milk supply and pumping when the baby is gone can be a problem.
Perhaps the pediatrician can give some guidance and even restrictions in this area. If the pediatrician says "No overnight periods (or 6 hour periods or whatever) separating breastfeeding Mom and Baby for six weeks" vs. Mom & Grandma saying it Dad & his family may react differently.
Also, breastfeeding can vary from woman to woman. I breastfeed my two children and most of my friends and family breastfeed their children so I thought that I was pretty familiar with the variations until my DIL started breastfeeding. My grandson was/is a slow eater and a frequent eater. I am not exaggerating when I say that, during the day for his first two months, he was breastfeeding more than he was not breastfeeding. My DIL could not be away from her son for more an hour at a time for months. And, yes, they checked it out and it was normal. My grandson just ate/drank/fed very slowly and he was hungry again very quickly. Other babies can be very different.
Your daughter won't know her babies schedule and style of feeding until after the baby is born. So I would suggest not making a lot of promises about visitation until then.
I have had my hands so incredibly full with the three of them lately. It's just so much to handle. Oldest is due in 17 days. Youngest of them giving me fits every time I turn around and hurting the hell out of my feelings. The other one is worried there will be issues when the baby arrives with her bfs family that may impact their relationship. My new job is very challenging and I'm trying to work some ot to get some comp time to help my oldest when she and the baby are home for their first day. And did I mention that husband is away for the month? So all the running around with sports and jobs and all is completely on me?
I had to be seen a week or so ago. I have a cervical strain and a pinched nerve in my neck. I didn't do anything to it at all. They told me it could be stress. Seriously?
The baby's dad met up with my daughter yesterday to go over the game plan. He told her his grandmother wants the paternity test. Not him. And then asked if they could go get it done now before she's born!! She told him no. I don't blame her. She's too far along to get invasive testing done and I'm not sure it even could be done now. He will have to wait until she's born is what my daughter said. He also said "we will see about that" when she told him she would be breast feeding exclusively so there will be no overnight visits for a while. He's not on board with it apparently.
I do not want this baby coming into this world with stress and drama going on around her.
Some more opinions are needed. Should I see that it's getting a little crazy, do I put my foot down as to how much time is spent over here with any of them? Do I just let my daughter call the shots on it all?
Get a lawyer. Get things in writing. Do not have him sign the birth certificate until the paternity test comes back. Your daughter has full control if he doesn't sign it. I would get the test done quickly and I would get a parenting contract signed that spells out visitation rights.
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