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If i shared with you my entire story, it would make more sense.
There are situations where mom doesn't want dad around. Usually it's drugs, criminal past, being a total loser, etc. In my case, none of that applied so please don't jump to conclusions or make assumptions here. I was the one who brought forth legal action, and yet still kept being referred to as the "defendant" on legal docs and had to get that corrected a few times (costing me more in legal fees ). I spent over $10K in legal fees to be a part of my child's life.
Things are better these days....just got off to a pretty rocky start.
Unrelated to this thread (and not to insult the OP) but I would still strongly suggest any dad get a DNA test though. It's not so much for proving infidelity as it is for proving to yourself and others that this is 100% your child. I remember when i was undergoing my ordeal in the beginning, I needed the support of my family. I didn't want any doubt to be in their heads and having that peice of paper proving it eliminated that. I had my friends and family behind me throughout the journey and that was well worth $525.
I take no offense at all to anything you've said. I think that babies born out of wedlock should have paternity tests as well. I'm thinking that may be the norm one day.
I really commend you for all you've gone through and your persistence to be part of your child's life. That's very important and your child is so lucky to be that incredibly loved.
I'm so happy for you. I want this baby to be loved like that and she will be in my home. There's nothing worse than children being used as pawns. I hate seeing people do that.
I've always said the dad will be welcome here. I meant it. Obviously I will put time limits on it as to how early or late it is just because we have work and school and sometimes it's nice to just relax. Although who even knows what relaxing is anymore
The father is extremely naive if he thinks it's no big deal to take a nursing baby away from its mother for an extended time in the first few months of its life. Does he know how often a newborn has to nurse? How much work it is to get them nursing? Obviously he has no idea how much of a commitment a newborn is. He's in for quite the wake up call...
I have a feeling the "dad" isn't going to want to spend a lot of his time changing dirty diapers and getting up in the middle of the night to take care of a crying baby. If he does -- then I would guess it's his parents but even they might not really want to lose a lot of sleep when it comes down to it.
I should have been clear. She told him a firm no for the test to be done now. That chapter is done until she's born. No negotiation. Then he can do the test. All on him. Where he's getting it and how he's going to pay for it. She told him that when he asked how he has to do it. She told him that's on you. Then he said well don't you have to have it done too? I had to bite my lip on that.
I won't now or ever say one bad thing about the father of this baby. I don't think it's right. That's what I have this board for. I can get my frustrations out without hurting feelings. I'd never want to say anything that my cloud the baby's mind. My own family did that around me and I hated it. It turned out they were right but still it wasn't good.
I hope you're right that she doesn't go into labor quite yet. I had two preemies. Although she won't be but two weeks premature, still. She isn't done yet.
You only have a little more time to have to hang in there.
A lot will change after the baby is born. Everyone is stressed to some extent right now -- and some of the stresses will change for other stresses in a few weeks -- but I suspect a lot of things will settle down.
Your daughter might even WISH he would take the baby overnight so she could get a full night's sleep. She might WISH he would take the baby so she could go out with friends and have an evening out.
Babies are cute but they're little ball and chains.
You only have a little more time to have to hang in there.
A lot will change after the baby is born. Everyone is stressed to some extent right now -- and some of the stresses will change for other stresses in a few weeks -- but I suspect a lot of things will settle down.
Your daughter might even WISH he would take the baby overnight so she could get a full night's sleep. She might WISH he would take the baby so she could go out with friends and have an evening out.
Babies are cute but they're little ball and chains.
Balls and chains are so true!! I remember wishing I could just simply get a shower and something to eat!
Stresses will definitely change I'm sure. I'm hanging is as much as possible
We have gotten the crib and her room set up. At least if she goes any time now we are ready. I am very looking forward to meeting this little girl.
I am trying to keep my daughters mind free and clear as well.
The other two are also keeping us busy. Spring sports are in full swing and there are SATs next weekend and AP exams the following week. When I think of it, there are quite a few days that will be very inconvenient for this little one to make her arrival. Lol!
Please take that as the joke it was meant as. I know they don't come when your schedule is clear
Balls and chains are so true!! I remember wishing I could just simply get a shower and something to eat!
Stresses will definitely change I'm sure. I'm hanging is as much as possible
We have gotten the crib and her room set up. At least if she goes any time now we are ready. I am very looking forward to meeting this little girl.
I am trying to keep my daughters mind free and clear as well.
The other two are also keeping us busy. Spring sports are in full swing and there are SATs next weekend and AP exams the following week. When I think of it, there are quite a few days that will be very inconvenient for this little one to make her arrival. Lol!
Please take that as the joke it was meant as. I know they don't come when your schedule is clear
You know one of those "inconvenient dates" will be exactly when it happens right? LOL
You know one of those "inconvenient dates" will be exactly when it happens right? LOL
I was going to write the same thing. Our power went out during a relatively mild rainstorm. It was out for about 15 hours and of course that was the day the baby wanted out.
Jersey, you're doing great. I know you feel better with everything set up and ready.
Maybe you need to just take a long weekend vacation trip -- leave town for a couple days -- do something fun, you and your husband.
It is your house -- you have to make the rules for your house -- but right now isn't a good time for any showdown. It's ALMOST over -- soon it's going to be quite different.
You also have to be very careful about anything you say and do at this time -- anything you say can be held against you forever. Things will work themselves out in time.
I totally agree with this, for what it's worth. All of it.
By the way, if your daughter is breastfeeding, that will take priority when scheduling court ordered visitation.
I have a feeling the "dad" isn't going to want to spend a lot of his time changing dirty diapers and getting up in the middle of the night to take care of a crying baby. If he does -- then I would guess it's his parents but even they might not really want to lose a lot of sleep when it comes down to it.
Whenever I watched those 16 & Pregnant shows it was the same thing. Baby daddy gives mom a hard time saying its "his" baby too and he wants to take care of mom and baby. "Dad" ends up suing he will get a job, never does. Thinks parents and his allowance will be enough to take care of baby. Mom ends up doing all the work, feelings, etc while dad sleeps next to her and doesn't even bother doing a single feeding. Mom gets up to go to school, the "dad" stays home playing video games while a grandparent watches the kid. Mom comes home, repeat.
Here's a word of advice from someone who's "been there, done that" with my own daughter.
She chose not to marry the father of her baby (she was 19 and he was 18 so I was very happy with that decision). It was the baby's FAMILY that became quickly very attached to the baby and pushed the dad to take full advantage of visitation rights. Once he got the baby (or they came to pick her up, whatever), the grandmother and two aunts basically took complete charge of the baby. They loved her very much and I'm not criticizing them for this - in fact they took good care of her and showered her with affection - but it did sort of sit wrong with me when I knew that it wasn't even the bio dad's desire to spend time with the baby that was fueling all this visitation. Of course, as the other grandmother, I could certainly understand why they loved her so much.
Notice all the past tense language I'm using though? That's because as the years went by, it became more and more apparent that the bio dad wasn't going to pay child support regularly, or visit regularly, etc. and his family began to tire of his lack of consistent involvement because everything landed on them - driving two hours to pick her up and take her back, watching her, entertaining her, etc. Meanwhile, he got further and further behind on child support. My daughter married a terrific man who wanted to adopt the little girl. Eventually they made an agreement with the bio dad - they would "forgive" the back child support in exchange for him signing over his parental rights - not that big a deal since he never saw her anyway, right? (Once or twice a year) Well - you can imagine how that went over with his mom and sisters! They were heartbroken, even though my daughter made it clear that they could still see her little girl, she would still know them as her grandmother and aunts, and still know her bio dad as her "dad" (but know her adoptive father as "daddy"). It was very dramatic. It took a couple of years to settle down. Honestly their biggest issue was with the bio dad, not my daughter or her husband. Very hard on their family overall.
And just yesterday I got a sweet letter from my granddaughter who is now 11. In that letter she said "MiMi, I need your help, because sometimes I am so mad at my dad (bio). And I don't want to be." I haven't yet figured out what to say back to her in my return letter.
Tricky issues.
But the bottom line is - no matter the issues, we have this beautiful girl in our lives, and she has a daddy who loves her enough to push to adopt her (Yay!) and many, many people who love her. In spite of the occasional drama, I am so grateful for her and so glad her mother kept her eleven years ago!
All that to say, my advice is to safeguard your grandchild's heart and well being. The child is the only completely innocent person in this entire scenario. Put that child's best interests at the forefront and don't waver. Every time a gnarly situation comes up, ask yourself, and the others involved, "What is best for the child?" Not "what is the parents' right, or the grandparents' right, or whatever." WHAT IS BEST FOR THE CHILD? Stick to those guns.
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). I spent over $10K in legal fees to be a part of my child's life.
