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Interesting article, I agree with the woman who wrote it and I don't believe she is raising a "selfish brat".
The preschool policy IMO is a good one, a child may choose to include a playmate and therefore share a toy/activity but if they want to do their own thing on their own, why should they have to give it up all under the guise of "sharing".
The incident with the car, again, I don't see anything wrong with this scenario. There were tons of activities for all the children, her son happened to like this one particular item. I think the other parent who was telling him to let her child have a turn was in the wrong. I think that our children need to learn how to cope, and by getting everything they want when they want it, they will not learn to cope. In this case, the child who wanted to use the car that was in use, needed to go find something else instead of his Mother telling the user of the car that he needed to give it up and take turns. There are situations where taking turns is necessary or a system is in place to encourage taking turns but just because a child has something that another wants does not mean they have to take turns.
We never forced our kids to share special items at home but those items needed to be put away when they had guests and were not to be mentioned etc. I think there is a difference in teaching children to be gracious to others, to share with someone in need and even to share if that is what they want to do but I don't think it is a behavior that can or should be mandated all the time in every situation.
Interesting article, I agree with the woman who wrote it and I don't believe she is raising a "selfish brat".
The preschool policy IMO is a good one, a child may choose to include a playmate and therefore share a toy/activity but if they want to do their own thing on their own, why should they have to give it up all under the guise of "sharing".
The incident with the car, again, I don't see anything wrong with this scenario. There were tons of activities for all the children, her son happened to like this one particular item.
What about the other children that happen to like this ONE particular item? F you, I got here first?
I hate it when parents force their kids to immediatly abandon something just because my daughter show interest in it. I take her to a preschooler freetime at our local YMCA. They have the balance beams, ropes, rings, horses, tumble track , etc set up for all the little ones to use.
This is a great teaching opportunity. Teach them how to negotiate each using the resources for a mutally acceptable amount of time.
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I mean - I go to a coffee house, and I don't get to just throw someone out of the nicer chairs. I have to wait my turn for one to because available.
Of course, if it was the only chair in the place, you would not remain in it for the duration of its availability either.
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In the same vein, I don't camp put there - I stay long enough to enjoy my beverage and then leave to someone else can have a turn...
It is very difficult to say which part is absolutely right. I agree with the preschool that you can play with the toy as long as it interests you and if you took it first, it isn't fair that another kid comes, takes it and plays for maybe 5 minutes, but you would play it for one hour. there are adults that want something just because it isn't theirs and the moment they got it, it no longer interests them. It is great to share, no question about it, but it is also great to say No without fear to others.
There is commonly a big difference between a toddler and a preschooler developmentally. The younger has not yet fully learned to play 'with' others and still plays 'beside' others. Yet the preschooler is well into playing 'with' others instead of 'beside'. (early childhood education 101)
So, sharing means something different with each group. For typical toddlers they usually learn that it means to take turns. It doesn't matter to whom the toy belongs as every toddler will believe it is theirs. So, most learn to play with a toy for a time, then their companion gets a turn and then they get another turn. At this age it is best to have at least 2 of every item.
Therefore a toddler at the park with a toy they brought from home should not be expected to hand it over to anyone because it is their own, they know it for a fact and imposing sharing will cause more trouble than is needed. A toddler at a community play area should be expected to learn to take turns with all toys as they are not their own and they can begin to understand that as well. It is part of the process of understanding the whole concept. It is acceptable to 'hog' your own toys, but unacceptable to 'hog' community toys for still learning toddlers.
A preschooler has begun to understand cooperative play and that sharing toys is often part of it. They usually wish to play with other kids instead of beside them and are more willing to share. The preschooler at a park with their own toy can choose to share with others that want to play, or they can choose to keep it to themselves. The preschooler at a community play area should absolutely be expected to take turns with the toys and not be allowed to monopolize one. The preschooler at the community play area should also feel free to ask for a turn from a child who is doing the monopolizing.
Bottom line is you can't expect a child who is of the toddler mentality (no matter the actual age) to share happily and successfully, however you can expect it of a preschooler mentality (again no matter the actual age)
What about the other children that happen to like this ONE particular item? F you, I got here first?
The author stated there were other similar type of cars for other children to play with. I would not say its an F you type scenario, but her child was there first and IMO he should be allowed to play with the car as long as he wants too. The other parent, requesting he take turns, IMO was out of line.
If there were limited activities and all children were rotating, then that is different. However, in this scenario, her son had the car first, he was enjoying it, there was plenty of things for the other kids to do including like items. Why should he be forced to give up the activity with the toy that he liked because another parent deemed he needed to take turns?
I make her share reasonably - she doesn't have to hand over a toy just because another child demands it but she has to take turns. For example she goes round her friend's house who has a trampoline. They can't both go on at once so they have to take turns. In the park there's a sort of trampoline and she went to go on it just as another child went - I told her to wait and let him go first even though she was there first because I couldn't tell the other child to wait and I didn't want them both on there together.
In the first example in the article I wouldn't force my child to share her toy but I would tell her it would be nice to let the other child have a go once she's done.
The second example I would make my child get out of the car and let the other child have a go. maybe that boy liked the red car just as much as the author's son likes it - an hour and a half is hogging your turn and I don't let my child do that.
I agree with this. If the toy were my son's from home and he didn't want to share, fine. If it were a common toy (e.g. the rec center car and somebody else wanted to play with the car, I would encourage my son to share).
The author stated there were other similar type of cars for other children to play with.
"There's this one red car in particular my son really likes playing with"...
If it is the one car that is compelling enough for him, it can clearly be compelling to the other kid.
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I would not say its an F you type scenario, but her child was there first and IMO he should be allowed to play with the car as long as he wants too. The other parent, requesting he take turns, IMO was out of line.
If there were limited activities and all children were rotating, then that is different. However, in this scenario, her son had the car first, he was enjoying it, there was plenty of things for the other kids to do including like items. Why should he be forced to give up the activity with the toy that he liked because another parent deemed he needed to take turns?
No, not because the other parent demanded it. Because it was the right thing for that kid's parent to teach that kid, how not to be a selfish brat.
As someone pointed out above, taking turns is not quite the same as sharing.
In our preK, the rule was similar to the rule in the article, but we would sometimes set a timer or count because there was a limited amount of time and several children who wanted to play with a toy. The 3 to 5 year old set certainly understood this once it was taught. Of course, if there were identical toys, we redirected kids to those.
At the park, for example, lots of kids want the swings and you cannot always stay on them quite as long as you would like. We would count if their was a line for them so that each child had a turn. And you could get back in line if you still wanted more swing time - there was no limit to the number of turns you could have.
In the case of a toy that belongs to a particular child, s/he has no obligation to give another child a turn, but... we encouraged the kids to allow it especially at school since bringing a toy to school where there were plenty of shared toys could be awkward. Of course, they did not have to share, but... most children did want to play together by age 4, so they did.
At home, of course, we put away toys that were special because often it was a matter of not wanting them played with and being lost or broken, but anything in the common play area when their were guests was shared.
Also, there were some things that kids needed to share like crayons or markers for art projects, but there were many of the same color, so the waiting was mostly not very long if it happened at all.
"There's this one red car in particular my son really likes playing with"...
If it is the one car that is compelling enough for him, it can clearly be compelling to the other kid.
No, not because the other parent demanded it. Because it was the right thing for that kid's parent to teach that kid, how not to be a selfish brat.
If you are going to quote the author, might as well quote the entire passage that included: "There were a million other little cars for her son to drive, including one that was almost identical."
IMO, it is not the "right thing to do" to cave into the whims of others, that just creates demanding self centered children who think the world revolves around them. It's not my job or my kids job to make the world an equal place and to cater to the whims of the masses. It's not selfish either to allow a child to enjoy a toy for as long as they want when there are plenty of other activities and like type toys available.
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