Son is Out of control PLZ HELP!!! (BF, orphaned, ADHD)
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So My son is 15,almost 16,has never really had an ongoing consistant relationship with his dad,& up till 2 yrs ago,he has lived with my mother,We had a family emergancy & he came to live with me & my boyfriend,(plus 3 little sisters) so I understand it's a huge change for him, But last yr. he got kicked out of high school & had to do tutoring for rest of yr. (Couldn't beleive it but he passed),Now we r off to the same start as last yr...Only now he does even worse in school,(suspended for telling teacher to get on knees & suck his u know what!) Now my mother ALWAYS gave him anything, cuz she said with his A.D,H.D we have to treat him differently,but I try to tell her, u know when he's legal age & robs someone the police aren't gonna say "oh well u have A.D.H.D so we re not gonna arrest u," So he steals & lies to my boyfriend & me.. He Will Steal $ out of my pants pockets, & my boyfriends, we even have tried hiding stuff but I don't feel we should have to hide our things in our home!! The only chores he will do is burn our burnables.when we get in arguments he always is raising his fist at me (he's alot bigger than me),So finally 1 day I told him if he raises his fist at me then he better be ready to do it! and hasn't done it again since. My boyfriend & I never fought until my kid moved in with us, now it seems to be all we do! But I can't & won't choose between my son & him....I Don't know what to do anymore..When he gets suspended & what not he does have consiquences, his playstation & t.v & phone privlages get taken away, so he knows there will be some kind of punishment, but even that doesn't work....
PLEASE HELP, I NEED SOME THOUGHTS ON THE MATTER!!!!!!
I'm a teacher and a mom who has a child with ADHD. I think your first step should be to get to a physician and try some ADHD medication and possibly some antidepressants. He clearly has lots of things going on. It sounds to me like he is trying his darndest to get sent back to grandma's. If he would take the meds, it would help him a) concentrate on school and maybe give it a fair shot and b) curb his negative impulses which might improve his behavior. Those two improvements might give you the space you need to develop a more positive relationship.
But I also think he needs therapy. He can't have had an easy time of it. I'm sorry this is happening to your family and You sound like a caring and level headed Mom able to consider all the elements of your son's challenges.
My daughter cares for my nephew who is orphaned. When he was 16 she started having some major troubles with him similar to what you are having with your boy. She sat him down an explained to him that if the bad behaviour continued he could not keep living with them and she would sign over custody to the province making him a ward of the Crown. This would mean he would go into the foster programme. The boy knew full well she meant it and his behaviour changed drastically beginning that minute. She also explained to him that it was he who was deciding where he would end up not her. She wasn't sending him off anywhere but by his behaviour he was making a decision about his life.
That was two years ago and what a difference we have seen in that boy.
So My son is 15,almost 16,has never really had an ongoing consistant relationship with his dad,& up till 2 yrs ago,he has lived with my mother,We had a family emergancy & he came to live with me & my boyfriend,(plus 3 little sisters)....
So do you think any of this has anything to do with how he is acting out? TRANSLATION: He probably needs therapy.
Last edited by Joe the Photog; 10-01-2013 at 07:11 AM..
So this is a child who knew his mother was living with a man and had three more children who lived with his mother and boyfriend yet he was being raised by his grandmother. Then he has to go live at age 13 with his mother and BF for the first time and guess what....he's acting up?? Poor kid -no wonder he's acting up. Get professional help. This kid is feeling extremely unloved and that he is not valuable to anybody. And it appears that is what is going on.
McDragonfly, you're not going to get much useful advice in a place like this. You'll get surly, vengeful comments like "the whole family needs therapy" and "you deserve it" which is obviously not very helpful.
I suggest you contact the school and see what kind of counseling services they offer. A friend of mine is a H.S. counselor in a "bad" school and has to deal with this and worse stuff every day. They may at least have some decent advice for you because your son is not the first one they've ever seen acting this way.
Regarding his stealing, lying, etc., you need to set some really strict limits, especially seeing as how he apparently had very few limits in his previous home. If he ignores the rules, he has to face real consequences--a chat with the police, boarding school, etc. I don't know what else to suggest; it's very difficult and I hope you can find a resolution. Just know that eventually he'll be a man and he'll be in control of himself; you just have to help him find a way to get there.
My brother was horrible to grow up with--propensity to anger and violence, quite the opposite from my own meek, nerdy nature--and after 9th grade and a trajectory that was taking him straight to prison, he agreed to try military high school. That straightened him out and he became very successful in his career, in fact much wealthier than the rest of us in the family. Never got married, though. Anyway, that was 30 years ago; military may or may not be the right thing (extremely expensive in any case) but worth a look.
Best of luck!
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