My 3 yr old is out of control and I don't know what to do (punishment, spanking)
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I don't know if I am over reacting but I feel like my child is heading down a bad path and I don't know how to turn him around.
When at day school (which he's been attending since age 1) he seems to do really well. At least we do not hear about any outbursts or any major issues. We get the same story when he is with Grandma.
At home it is the complete opposite. He is always yelling out demands, "I want something to drink," "I want to watch a movie," etc... He only says please when we remind him to do so. My husband and I try hard not to do any yelling but I have to admit lately we have broken down and yelled when we cannot take his tantrums any more. If he does not get his way he screams at the top of his lungs and begins throwing things and trying to hit us. I have tried time-outs, taking toys away and even just calmly sitting down with him and talking to him about it not being okay to hit or throw things and I try to get out of him what is wrong but he only says, "because."
The mornings are the worse. I am not usually witness to this as I am usually gone by the time my husband and my son get up. My husband tells me that every morning our son throws a massive fit about not wanting to go to school. He screams, throws things, hits, calls names, "stupid daddy". My husband has a hard time getting him dressed and out the door on time. He says our son just screams constantly "I don't want to go to school, I want to stay home."
I am at the end of my rope already. I can't stand to see our son crying and so upset, but at the same time I cannot let him get away with being so disrespectful. What can I do? What should I try? Please I need the advise.
I think big words like "being disrespectful" just can't be applied to a 3 year old. They fit more to a 8-12-15 year old, ie someone who can be held responsible for their actions.
It sounds that your child is overwhelmed. He doesn't get enough sleep, and/or overwhelmed with having to face different people in his life, adjust to different people's expectations and demands, change of scenery (travel home-Grandma-home-daycare-home) at a drop of the hat. Sounds like a lot to handle for a 3 year old who does not yet understand the reasons behind all these daily changes.
I was waking my son only two mornings a week for pre-school, and even then he eventually accumulated frustration to the point of being un-glued every time you ask him to start dressing up or undress or get into the car or get out of the car.
Children in general hate transitions. If you sense that it goes beyond what the "normal" is, start reading books. Children with autistic tendencies (may be high level functioning) hate transitions more than others. They don't stay still. They don't understand punishment or time outs. It's not their fault, it's the way they are wired. If you keep insisting on *normal* behavior of such a child, or expect *normal* response to punishment, it's not going to happen. You have to educate yourself and be more understanding.
So - either your son is extremely tired/overwhelmed and can't express it other than through tantrums, - or there is something deeper that you have to research.
My eldest daughter was a very demanding child. She was very strong in personality and constantly challanged my husband and me. Plus since she was our first, we were not as experienced as we are now, with three kids!
It sounds like from your post that both you and your husband work. Could your son be picking up these behaviors from daycare/school? Asking the teacher and seeing if she/he notices anything might give you some idea where it's from. My kids often come home from school and act more aggressive and upset until they can take time to calm down from the day.
My eldest daughter really needed disipline. Simply giving her a time out never worked. She was too strong willed. I hate to say it, but we swatted her butt when other punishments didn't work. You have to get their attention. With my other two kids, just a look usually got their attention and they quit what they were doing. We never needed to swat any bums! But not my oldest. She needed constant intervention. But the swatting did help. Most of the adults my age often refer to how little they got away with with their parents and how often a swat on the butt got their attention. It's actually something they boast about!
With your son, I would start by not giving in to anything your son asks. Simply decide what he needs, and take care of him. When he demands a drink, refuse to get it for him unless he asks in a polite voice with a please. If he doesn't then don't give in and walk away. He won't go thirsty and won't starve. Reinforcing his behavior only makes him worse. Warn him twice when he acts out then follow through with your punishment. If he tantrums, walk away. It's amazing how fast the behavior stops when no attention is paid to it.
Do not ever give in, no matter what. As soon as kids can find your weakness, they will take advantage. You must be firm without getting emotional. As soon as you react emotionally, they know how to push your buttons. This all may sound harsh, but kids do really want to know that there are limits to their behavior. My oldest now actually hugs me after I punish her as a way to say she is sorry (she is too old for a swat and now is sent to her room or has a privledge taken away)! You and your husband have to decide together how you want to react to his bad behavior then stick to it and support one another.
When your son is not acting out, hug him, kiss him and otherwise show him your love like you usually would. It reinforces that he is lovable and that you are there for him and it also encourages his good behavior.
You would not accept that kind of behavior from an adult, don't accept it from your child. Just picture how you want your child to behave to others once he gets old enough to be out of your sight. It'll help!
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world, isn't it?!
Remember that for young children like this they do things because the things they do are rewarded.
Rewards don't have to be good.
He makes demands without using manners because it works. He throws a tantrum and screams because it works.
To change the behavior, you need to remove the reward.
In order to teach my kids to use their manners I did this:
Kid: Gimme a drink!
Me: [ignores child]
Kid: I WANT A DRINK
Me: [ignore, walk out of the room]
Kid: Daddy, I want a drink NOW!
Me: [walk back into the room. walk in front of child, pick up something, refuse to even look at child]
Kid: May I have a drink please?
Me: [bright a cheery!] Certainly! What would like! I loved your manners. Thank you for using your manners!
Repeat until death.
For the tantrum... that's easy.
"Son. This is not the proper way to behave. Go to your room and do not come back until you can behave properly."
If the child won't go, pick him up and put him in his room. Close the door. Do not reward or acknowledge the tantrum. He can stay in his room as long or as short as he likes, but if he is still misbehaving, he can't come out. Yelling at him, losing your temper, hugging him, talking to him in response to a tantrum are all rewards for throwing a tantrum. He knows that by throwing a tantrum he will get your undivided attention. And that's what he wants.
This worked for both my kids and now anytime they need to throw a fit, the take themselves to their room. And a few minutes later come out all better.
Sometimes kids need to throw a tantrum. They need to burn out that serotonin in their brain. That's okay, but you don't want to reward that behavior with attention or socialization.
I posted something similar the other day about our 3 year old and her now daily tantrums. I have found the "No Cry Discipline" book to be helpful; if nothing else, it puts you in the perspective of why your kid may be doing this. Remember that at this age, they just don't have control over a lot of things. They don't have tantrums to make you mad or because they are just being a jerk. It's just a response to being unable to control themselves or unable to deal with things on an emotional level.
As someone else said, give some thought to the idea of not enough sleep. Also, remember to just keep doing what you know is right--there's lots of good suggestions for things like this on this very forum, and some people have already given you good tips. Just STICK TO IT and don't expect your kid to get it right away. Sometimes you have to do it over and over and over. But if you have confidence you are doing the right thing then they will get it.
Are you kidding me, if any of my boy's had temper tantrums at age 3 and started to throw things, or hit me (I so don't think so), or better yet, put "demands" on me, I would get a hold of him, pinch him in the arm (hard) and bring him to his room and stay there till he realizes that temper tantrums are NOT ACCEPTED in my house, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Demands??? are you kidding me, I'll be damned if I would put up with "demands" from a 3 year old!
I know so many kids that do this and the parents just give in to them shut them up, but in reality they are feeding into the child's wishes. It isn't a good idea. There has to be some reason why he is like this. I am lucky though, my boys were actually very good, one was a little feisty, but nothing like yours.
I have a very strong willed three year old boy and he has his moments of crazyness. when someone would call him his response would always be WHAT very nasty WHAT we would tell him he needs to say yes and call him again and again until he would say yes now this went on for months now all he says is yes like the angel i know he can be LOL... I would not spank him something like that but throwing things yes thats a spanking.. he just recently got into stomping away... now I call him back to me and tell him he was to walk nicely and he does it.
Its not easy the one piece of advise I can give is you have to be consistant dont let him get away with yelling at you just because your in a store and dont be afraid to be stronger with him you are the adult he needs to learn how to respect and act in all situations.
I don't know if I am over reacting but I feel like my child is heading down a bad path and I don't know how to turn him around.
When at day school (which he's been attending since age 1) he seems to do really well. At least we do not hear about any outbursts or any major issues. We get the same story when he is with Grandma.
At home it is the complete opposite. He is always yelling out demands, "I want something to drink," "I want to watch a movie," etc... He only says please when we remind him to do so. My husband and I try hard not to do any yelling but I have to admit lately we have broken down and yelled when we cannot take his tantrums any more. If he does not get his way he screams at the top of his lungs and begins throwing things and trying to hit us. I have tried time-outs, taking toys away and even just calmly sitting down with him and talking to him about it not being okay to hit or throw things and I try to get out of him what is wrong but he only says, "because."
The mornings are the worse. I am not usually witness to this as I am usually gone by the time my husband and my son get up. My husband tells me that every morning our son throws a massive fit about not wanting to go to school. He screams, throws things, hits, calls names, "stupid daddy". My husband has a hard time getting him dressed and out the door on time. He says our son just screams constantly "I don't want to go to school, I want to stay home."
I am at the end of my rope already. I can't stand to see our son crying and so upset, but at the same time I cannot let him get away with being so disrespectful. What can I do? What should I try? Please I need the advise.
Terrible 2's
Horrible 3's
I feel your pain. We also have a 3 year old who is nearly the same way. At school he's an 'angel' and his teachers even comment that they wish he would talk more.
At home he's noisy, bossy, defiant, whiney, bratty, etc etc etc. We were affraid to send him to pre-school because of the way he acts at home. But apparently he's a different person at school.
But I've been told that this is actually 'normal' behavior. His two older sisters weren't this bad. So we're writing some of it off as being the youngest sibling, a boy, and generally being his own person.
Kids are usually better elsewhere than they are at home. I know my daughter has always been a complete angel at school, playdates etc. I remember one day I was picking her up from pre-school she was having a tantrum, for me it was par for the course. The parents and teacher were all looking at my daughter in shock. They asked if she was okay, was she hurt?
I just started laughing and said "nope, this is her for real, she puts a show on for everyone"
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