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Our 14-year old son has a small group of 6 good friends. They play video games, ride bikes, have sleep-overs, paintball, etc... all the things normal teenage boys do these days. They started out as the "three muskateers" but have evolved into the "6-pack".
Most of the friends are kind, well-mannered, smart boys. They are really lovely boys and I really love that my son has these good friends in his life. But there's one boy who I am having a really hard time liking or even tolerating, and I'm not sure what to do about this.
This one boy, I'll call him "Sam", has been really changing within the past year or so. He's always been very spoiled by both of his (rich) parents, and so he's always been a demanding sort of boy, but recently it's getting much worse. He is given everything he wants and always gets his way (with his parents), and he expects that from everyone else as well. When he was younger he was a cute and spirited kid, and the other boys really liked him because they said he added energy and excitement to the group. But, because of the lack of discipline at home he's suddenly morphing into this out of control teenager who is starting to get into trouble.
Over the summer when the boys would spend time at the community pool, "Sam" would harass the lifeguards and pester other people at the pool to the point where the manager on duty would have to step in and discipline him. Recently the guys all went to a movie and an elderly couple actually threw popcorn at "Sam" to get his attention and shut him up because he was acting so loud and crazy during the movie. He's constantly screaming and yelling and being too loud and trying to be the center of attention. And one thing that really bothers me is that when he is over our house, he's just rude and disrespectful. He doesn't even look at you when you speak to him or when he mutters something to you. He just kind of barks demands at the adults, and doesn't treat his friends much better.
So, there have been times lately when I have felt fed-up with Sam... and I sometimes wish I could ask my son not to spend time with him anymore. Everytime he's out hanging out with Sam at the movies or the pool or the mall or someplace I'm worried that I'm going to get a call asking me to come pick my son up because his friend got everybody in trouble.
My son knows how I feel, and he's also expressed how upset he gets with Sam because of Sam's behavior. My son was really upset when some of the popcorn that the elderly couple threw hit him even though it was all meant for Sam. My son has also said that there are times he's actually embarrassed by Sam's behavior when they are out in public. I'm honestly hoping that at some point my son will make the decision for himself to stop hanging around this rude and obnoxious boy, but because they have been friends for so long now and they are the "6-pack" I'm just doubtful that this would ever really happen.
Have any of you other parents of teenagers experienced this? What can you do? I'm also wondering if the parents of the other boys feel this way about Sam. Would it be inappropriate to try to talk to them about this?
You have control over what happens in your home. If "Sam" is being disrespectful in your home, you should take him aside, tell him you will not tolerate that type of behavior in your home.
The other 5 of the 6 pack can use positive peer pressure to get Sam to change his ways. If he sees the other 5 boys aren't going to tolerate his nonsense and won't hang with him if he continues, he will come around and start behaving as the rest of the group. No one wants to be ostracized from a group they've been a part of.
Finally, I think this kid is aching for parental love/attention. His [rich] parents probably gave into every whim this kid had, bought him everything he wanted (hence the demanding behavior) but probably never gave him the true love and attention that every child needs. Maybe you can speak w/the other parents in the group and all of you can kind of take him under your wings and give him the guidance, love, and attention that he's obviously not getting at home.
I predict that this group of boys will eventually 'help' Sam and put him in his place or Sam will find a more accepting group of similarly rowdy friends.
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And one thing that really bothers me is that when he is over our house, he's just rude and disrespectful. He doesn't even look at you when you speak to him or when he mutters something to you. He just kind of barks demands at the adults, and doesn't treat his friends much better.
Well I'm beginning to see why your DS won't stand up to Sam's antics...
You are an adult and tolerate this behavior in your home? Do you not have house rules for everyone to follow? It's time to have a talk with Sam.....and I'd do it in front of the other boys, it may give them some courage to stand up to Sam. I know what some of you will say....."You can't call him out in front of others". Yes you can. A bit of public humiliation can be a good thing. I bet if your DS (or any of the other boys) had loudly told him to knock it off in the movies then it wouldn't have gotten to the point of an elderly couple throwing popcorn. Sam is behaving this way because it's acceptable, no one really expects better of him, not his parents, not his friends, not you.
I agree with the others about explaining to Sam that in your house he's expected to abide by your standards of behavior. Perhaps emphasize that it's not so much that you find him unacceptable, but that his actions are unacceptable. Subtle distinction but if he's really that troubled it could make a difference to him.
I also agree that peer pressure is the strongest weapon against his obnoxious behavior in public. If your son and the other boys start telling Sam to "knock it off, stop acting like a jerk, don't be such an idiot" it would probably go a long way in helping Sam change the way he acts.
(My son was always the class clown, the joker, sometimes he could get quite loud and boisterous. Fortunately his friends never had a problem telling him to shut up, so it never really got out of hand. )
Our 14-year old son has a small group of 6 good friends. They play video games, ride bikes, have sleep-overs, paintball, etc... all the things normal teenage boys do these days. They started out as the "three muskateers" but have evolved into the "6-pack".
Most of the friends are kind, well-mannered, smart boys. They are really lovely boys and I really love that my son has these good friends in his life. But there's one boy who I am having a really hard time liking or even tolerating, and I'm not sure what to do about this.
This one boy, I'll call him "Sam", has been really changing within the past year or so. He's always been very spoiled by both of his (rich) parents, and so he's always been a demanding sort of boy, but recently it's getting much worse. He is given everything he wants and always gets his way (with his parents), and he expects that from everyone else as well. When he was younger he was a cute and spirited kid, and the other boys really liked him because they said he added energy and excitement to the group. But, because of the lack of discipline at home he's suddenly morphing into this out of control teenager who is starting to get into trouble.
Over the summer when the boys would spend time at the community pool, "Sam" would harass the lifeguards and pester other people at the pool to the point where the manager on duty would have to step in and discipline him. Recently the guys all went to a movie and an elderly couple actually threw popcorn at "Sam" to get his attention and shut him up because he was acting so loud and crazy during the movie. He's constantly screaming and yelling and being too loud and trying to be the center of attention. And one thing that really bothers me is that when he is over our house, he's just rude and disrespectful. He doesn't even look at you when you speak to him or when he mutters something to you. He just kind of barks demands at the adults, and doesn't treat his friends much better.
So, there have been times lately when I have felt fed-up with Sam... and I sometimes wish I could ask my son not to spend time with him anymore. Everytime he's out hanging out with Sam at the movies or the pool or the mall or someplace I'm worried that I'm going to get a call asking me to come pick my son up because his friend got everybody in trouble.
My son knows how I feel, and he's also expressed how upset he gets with Sam because of Sam's behavior. My son was really upset when some of the popcorn that the elderly couple threw hit him even though it was all meant for Sam. My son has also said that there are times he's actually embarrassed by Sam's behavior when they are out in public. I'm honestly hoping that at some point my son will make the decision for himself to stop hanging around this rude and obnoxious boy, but because they have been friends for so long now and they are the "6-pack" I'm just doubtful that this would ever really happen.
Have any of you other parents of teenagers experienced this? What can you do? I'm also wondering if the parents of the other boys feel this way about Sam. Would it be inappropriate to try to talk to them about this?
Well congrats to your son for not following his friends behavior. It doesn't sound like he is being influenced by his friend but quite the opposite. Most likely these kinds of friendships resolve on their own and hopefully the boys can get him to act differently and if he doesn't then maybe they will ditch him.
It is very hard to get a teenager to stop hanging out with a friend. It's practically impossible. It creates tension amongst everyone and if forced can break up other friendships.
As long as your son isn't engaging in this behavior and is doing the opposite then there is no need to worry and I wouldn't force them to quit hanging out. Just don't tolerate in your house or when you are around. Let the boy know whats expected of him at your house.
It sounds like this behavior stems from his parents lack of parenting. And this boy needs all the positive examples he can get. I used to do that with friends, which is why a lot of my friends parents love me. I have a friend whos parents won't let her go places unless its with me or stay out to a certain time unless its with me. Same parents who ask me to keep an eye on my friend.
Tell your son to pay no attention to his friend when he does stuff like that. Like if he is pestering the life guards then to go to another area of the pool. Or if he is being loud at the movies then to move seats away from him. Show him they don't like it either. If they do this it will show him his behavior gets a negative response and hopefully he will try to find better ways of going about to find it.
It sounds like his parents give him a lot of material attention and not enough real attention and is desperately searching for some quality attention and is trying to find it by acting out because that's an easy way to receive it.
These kinds of kids are sad really, they are lacking basic emotional needs and go to extremes to receive stuff like attention and are desperate for it. I wouldn't have the boys ditch him. I would have them try to work with him and get him to act better.
I also agree that peer pressure is the strongest weapon against his obnoxious behavior in public. If your son and the other boys start telling Sam to "knock it off, stop acting like a jerk, don't be such an idiot" it would probably go a long way in helping Sam change the way he acts.
(My son was always the class clown, the joker, sometimes he could get quite loud and boisterous. Fortunately his friends never had a problem telling him to shut up, so it never really got out of hand. )
As a high school freshman my child is getting a first hand view of how this works. There is one boy in particular who keeps acting very 'middle school' and after a few days the other boys in class (including sophomores and juniors) started telling him that he just isn't funny, not to talk to people that way, getting up and leaving him sitting alone when he acts up or even just throwing him a 'look' in class. It's not an instant cure but he's getting better. Peer pressure can be a very positive force.
I think all the advice you've received is right on. IF he's at your house, he follows your rules or gets put in place. And I agree the boys will most likely start telling him to cut out the obnoxious behavior - just may take a while.
My DS is 16 - so far we haven't really had this (fortunately). However, he did have a few friends when he was younger, who were....shall we say "Eddie Haskell -like"...One or two boys in particular, who were very bright, very athletic, came from very religious homes. I used to really worry that this one boy in particular who I found to be very manipulative, would find a way to talk my son (or somenone else) into bad behavior....I had many many talks with my son about right and wrong and how as you get older you are often judged by the people you choose to keep company with -even if you are not the one bevaving like that. Guilt by association - happens all the time. He did eventually grow away from those boys and I like his group of friends now. Keep your eyes and ears open and keep talking to your son.
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I would definitely tell him his behavior will not be tolerated in your home and he will have to leave if it continues. Then follow through if it does happen again and ask him to leave.
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